My love life, drugs & an escort agency (Its not what you think!) Part 2

[DMPeters]

...I know I was a total nightmare to be with, and if I ever see him again I will apologise. We destroyed each other in that year.
I was devastated when we broke up. It took me a year to get over him.
So the next day I did what any girl trying to get over a boyfriend would do – I went and got a job working as an Escort! Haha.
I figured it was the only way to feel desirable again & take my mind off things.

THE ESCORT AGENCY

I took a job at an agency in the centre of town. It was great! All that money! And the girls (although they’ll never know how much) helped me get over my break up.
The job intrigued me. I worked there for a year.
A couple of the girls took a dislike to me. It’s quite competitive sometimes & clients always want to see the new girl. So business can sometimes drop off for the other girls.
The job really opened my eyes to people. I have a thing about personal hygiene & I can’t stand dirty people. And believe me some of the men were dirty. They didn’t have a bath before they came. And sometimes I’d refuse to see people because they smelt.
I enjoyed the job to begin with, and I certainly enjoyed the money! But after a while it wears thin & you don’t want people pawing you all the time.
Also I was very strict on what I did & didn’t do. I didn’t kiss, I didn’t let people lick me & I didn’t do anything (including oral) without a condom. Which lost me a lot of business after a while. I was earning a lot but nowhere near enough to risk my life getting a disease!
I dated guys during that year for something to do and then a year after working there I met a guy through friends & started falling in love with him.
Enter Toby…
He didn’t know I worked as an escort & I quit the job cos lying isn’t my thing.
He was cute, loyal, caring, adoring. He worshiped the ground I walked.
But for some reason I wasn’t feeling the besotted love I’ve felt for other people, and I would chat to guys (I would’ve gone mad at Toby if he’d chatted to girls)
It was as if I’d somehow forgotten how to conduct myself when in a relationship.
Ok so I didn’t cheat on him & talking to guys is hardly a big deal, but Toby always used to throw it back at me saying I wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round.
And I knew this, so why couldn’t I stop doing it? Was it cos I didn’t really care about his feelings?
I felt like he was suffocating me, trying to change me. Criticizing parts of my personality.
After a couple of months of being together my savings ran out & money began to get tight. I was used to buying what I want when I want & now I was scrimping & saving. I started to get agitated at not being able to buy the things I want. My car fell into disrepair & although Toby had a job it just wasn’t enough. It killed me but I broke up with him.
I thought going back to Escorting was what I wanted, but it wasn’t. I wanted Toby. But I hated the thought of missing out on what I could be earning.
I told Toby what I did as a job before & said he needed to earn more because I was thinking of going back to it & I didn’t want us to break up.
Selfish? Yes I s’pose I am really. Toby got another job & we were ok for a bit.
But then I started to get itchy feet again. It just wasn’t enough money.
Also I wanted to go out clubbing, but didn’t want Toby to come because I thought he would be looking at other girls. And Toby didn’t want me to go on my own because he didn’t trust me.
So we went round & round in circles for a bit until I couldn’t take anymore. I figured the only way I was gonna make this relationship work was by getting to the root of my problem. I had counselling to try & find out why I felt so ugly when other girls were around. And then maybe with that sorted me & Toby would be able to start going out to clubs/pubs together.
The counselling didn’t work. I couldn’t put it to the back of my mind; I couldn’t deal with the issue. So I asked Toby to try & get help for his problem, then maybe I could go out on my own without him getting in a mood. But I knew I was being out of order expecting him to stay home while I was out all the time.
So now its come to a head. Toby says he can’t accept I want to go out on my own. I can’t waste my life staying in, as much as I love him, I’m a bubbly girl & I like going out & having a laugh.
Toby says to me all the things I used to say to Ashley. I never want sex, I’m not loving, I don’t care about him.
I can’t believe after all my moaning to Ashley I’ve actually turned into him & now I’m the cold uncaring one.
And I’ve had an insight into why Ashley was like that with me… he didn’t really love me. I know this because I don’t love Toby. I love all the things he is, kind, loving, caring, sensitive etc and I should love him. But I just can’t. I cant find love inside me anymore. How have I gone from a girl who loved being in love to this cold person who is too worried about death creeping up on her & taking her life away to waste any time falling in love.
I’ve wasted all my love on people who weren’t right for me & now there’s none left for Toby
There’s no doubt the relationship with Toby is restrictive & suffocating. But he’s the best thing that ever happened to me so why why why can’t I find feelings of love for him? It’s definitely not because I’m scared of getting hurt, that never scares me.
Is it cos I’m scared of death & wasting my life being tied to one person?
Is it cos after Ashley I cant find love to give anymore?
Is it cos me & Toby just aren’t right for each other?
Does anybody know? Please tell me if you do!
Thanks

[BillyGalbreath]

I know the reason. You're retarded. You remind me alot of my ex. If you continue down this path you will be pathetic. Well, you already are, but it will get worse. It will get to the point of suicidal tendancies. You will bury yourself in over your head with drugs and clubs until you become a walking talking zombie. You will hurt everyman that comes your way and move on to the next like its nothing. You will eventually wake up one morning, who the **** knows where, and you will feel like shit, you will look like shit, you will realize you ARE shit, and you will want out. You will want to change your life for the better, but it is too late. You have burnt all your bridges. You have lost all your money. You have lost all your good looks. And when that small piece of sanity runs thru your mind you will realize you are too late. And you will commit suicide. Either that or just snap. You wont feel anything. You wont think anything. You wont love anything. You wont hate anything. You will become mentally retarded, a "nut". And they will carry you away while you just lay there limp as a noodle not giving a care in the world of anything as your feet drag along the ground and your arms are tied in that really cool white jacket that you will forever grow to your death in. I've seen someone snap - and its not a pretty picture.

I am not saying this to scare you, I'm only out to prepare you. This is the road you are headed. And if what I have said isn't enough of a kick in the ass to make you change - then I am sry, but you will deserve this kind of life.

No one can help you. No doctor can save you. No drugs can make you better.

Change, die, or snap. Its ultimately your choce. Time is ticking. It waits for no one.

[blue]

**** billy! you are so absolutley right. Honey its time to stop hiding and running and grow up! Stop hiding behind the drs cuz they are a ****ing cop out! stop hiding behind men, sex and drugs. Do you really want to be a statistic? What about your son? You have no sense of reality. I have been where you are and one day like billy said you will have a rude awakening. There is no more just you. You are responsible for a little person that cant even defend himself in this cruel world, not even from cruel you. you will regret it. I left my son for two years of his young life and i hate that i did that & now i have had him back for years and the things i have done still affect him today. you talk about things that have happened in your childhood and here you are doing the same to your baby. No not me not anymore in him i found whats important. Drugs will cloud your judgment make you do things you normally wouldnt do. To be realistc here i am no angel but i will nevr loose sight. Dont loose your soul once that is gone....i have seen it happen its not pretty, you become somebodys hoar do the drugs you normally wouldnt do, you are scared of death well you are inviting it. WAKE UP. look in the mirror and tell me what you see. You can change but if you dont then you did waste your ****ing life away no love, nothing. life keeps moving. I hope that i have not offended you, i hope that i have made some sense. sincierly blue.

[DMPeters]

Well thats an overseas take on the situation.
Did you both read it all or is it a tad long? I didnt know whether to shorten it or not, but I wanted to give as much info as possible.
Anyone in England (who understands our culture) got a take on it?

[BillyGalbreath]

I read the whole thing.

And I dont care what country you are in - I still stand firmly with what I said.. And you should too.

[LucidDream]

Wow guys, total lack of support there
Ummm, Im not sure what advice I can give you on the situation.
I live in England, but Im in a rural area, not an urban one, so the culture is a little different.
Also, I though escorting was Illegal here?

[BillyGalbreath]

Wow guys, total lack of support there...

Lack of support ? LACK of support ?!

I just gave her the best advice ANYONE could have given her. I gave her a glimpse into her future if she doesnt change. Now if thats a lack of support, then you should join her in her misery.

Remember: I've been there. I've seen it. I almost married it. I've lived it.

I do not say what I do not mean. And I would hate to see her fall into the same ways my ex has - the same ways I, myself, almost fell into. I, for one, chose to change. She did not. Who do you think is happier ?

[LucidDream]

You will eventually wake up one morning, who the **** knows where, and you will feel like shit, you will look like shit, you will realize you ARE shit

I meant emotional support, not situational (if there is any that can be made out of your post)

[BillyGalbreath]

I meant emotional support, not situational (if there is any that can be made out of your post)

My post is not meant for emotional support or situational support of any kind. It is merely a kick in the ass to wake her ass up and just maybe it might make her look at the situation from a different perspective. Yes I know my ways of helping may not seem like helping. But if you dont have a closed mind, then you will see what I am saying, and you will learn from it.

[cbee]

I live in London and am 100% behind Billy and Blue on this you are just destroying your life.

Lucid dream: I don't think "escorting" per se is illegal in the UK. If you are an escort though by definition you are not performing sexual favours. As soon as you start performing sexual favours for money you start running into difficulties but i do think it is illegal for you to solicit and think some sort of thing gets the males (pimps and people receiving the sexual favours) but not the prostitute. Something like that anyway!

[webfish]

I am a kung Fu Sifu (teacher)
And I have worked with all types of People with very bad problems. And changed them for the better. Alot of people can be self destructive after a break up. The most important thing I teach them is to love themselves first and then everything will fall into place. Love for others etc. By writing this thread and posting it shows the need to change. I feel that anyone can change dramatically over night if they wish to. We all have skeltons in our closet and I chose to be unconditional with everyone for the most part.

Here is my analogy of a life gone bad (I have many)

Your inner self is like the foundation of a house, every time you do something positive for your life you can add a brick to your foundation, if you do things that take away from your innerself you are removing bricks from your foundation. All of the way to the dirt so to speak. So we must all work very hard to build our foundations and have a better life. If your foundation is strong then not even the worst storm can topple our house.

So most importantly is love yourself first and that ripple will carry on to everyone around you, and you will strengthen and protect your well being.

Turn your back on the negative and search for the positive, follow that path and lead a wonderful life!

[LucidDream]

Yes I agree with webfish, learn to love yourself

[webfish]

Some of my favorite quotes that I use in class

~The outward person is the swinging door; the inner person is the still hinge. ~Eckhart

~At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, fun to be around. That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself? ~Phillip C. McGraw

~Take the time to come home to yourself every day. ~Robin Casarjean

~Only you can set you free. ~Living Colour, "Cult of Personality"

~We must be our own before we can be another's. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

[blue]

lucid she is living in the fog and she came in here for advice and billy, web and myself just told it like it was! what do you want me to say awww poor her no i wont there is a child involved here and its selfish. I have made it a point to change my life and not go down i have been thru so much the drugs the wrong people and not loving myself so i always ended up attracting the wrong guy because i did not love myself first. dm that country shit is bullshit like i said before its once again your pattern of a ig huge cop-out.

[DMPeters]

Yes the cultures in the US & here are very different with regards to attitudes towards drugs & sex. As I said I was a recreatiol drug user i.e I took drugs when going to nightclubs. As the club scene in the UK is fuelled by drug taking the cultural differences between the US & here are apparent - therefore only a person who has lived this culture could understand it. I dont take drugs anymore.
Secondly my child has never seen anything that goes on. Mummy goes to work at night - my child knows no differrent - and he has a perfectly normal happy existence.
Its rather amusing how my writing has come accross to some of you. You seem to have got the impression Im some crack whore living in a trailor (lol or a council estate if you're in the uk) well you're wrong. I have a very nice house in an upmarket part of town. My child goes to the best school.
Any way I've made the descision, I'm back Escorting. Im sad @ the breakup of my relationship, but I cant help the way I feel. So Cest La Vie - thats the way it goes Because ultimately I am the only one who can decide my destiny. So next week Im going to stay with a business man on his yacht while my son is away in Bermuda with his dad. Life is good