I don't know if I should commit to a relationship or not :(

[pinsoflight]

hello all. I'm a 31 year old straight white male. I live in California. i'll try to keep this as short as possible. i got out of a (bad and troubled) two year relationship in june of 2011. that relationship came straight after an equally disastrous 3 year one, so we're talking about 5 years of my life which were a sentimental and emotional failure for me. after about 6 months of recovering i decided i wanted to start dating again but stay the hell away from any sort of relationship or sentimental involvement. I just wanted to be on my own and enjoy my time with my self, heal, collect my thoughts and emotions, and explore my "singleness" by dating around and keeping things simple and fun. So I joined a dating site and started meeting women. then I met this asian girl, a great person, and very attractive too, and we got along great right from the start, had lots of fun and even developed a mutual respect and unerstanding for each other. we would really kick it in great ways, spent lots of time together and enjoy getting to know eachother. we dated (monogamously) for about 5 months till she started opening up to me of her growing feelings for me. I freaked out cause I found my self in front of a decision to make. she was asking me to take it to the next level and bring on board some sort of commitment. it's understandable, we had a great 5 months together and we got close. but i was not ready to commit, or give up my being single. I still wanted to keep my options open and be "free", so i told her it would be best to call it a day if her feelings for me were growing. i did not wish to hurt her in any way, i respected her and liked her too much as a person to be selfish. it was hard, she cried, I was sad, but we parted ways. for some reason it was impossible for us to stop talking though. we would keep in touch by text and gtalk from time to time and check in with each other. i kept dating other girls, i think she went on to date other guys too, but we kept constantly in touch, till inevitably we ended up sitting together in front of a drink at a bar again, to "say hello" to each other. now we keep doing this about once a week, we hang out, we both agreed to not kiss and not sleep together and we are managing to do that somehow, and we both agree that it's very hard not to. i think we both agree that we prefer to see eachother in a odd way like this to see what happens, and keep our impulses at bay, rather than not see eachother or talk at all. we clearly like each other a lot and i know she is waiting for me to make up my mind, and since she doesn't sleep with me or even kiss me, she feels like she's in a safe place and she can manage to hang out with me. bottom line, I really like her, i really respect her and i do have feelings for her. but when i'm out on my own i always find my self attracted to other women and i want to stay single to meet new people, party and enjoy my self. i am torn in these two opposite directions and i don't know what to do. what is your advice? i would really like to know what you think about this messed up, and a bit sad, situation. thanks!

[vashti]

I may be a bit biased, since I find myself in exactly her shoes, but it seems to me that if you are still interested in dating around, you should stop all contact with her (assuming she is hoping for more). Your continuous contact is like picking at a scab that won't heal. Let her have the time she needs to get over you, and find someone who has matured a bit more and is ready to take on adult responsibilities.

BTW, the time you spent with your previous relationships wouldn't be considered "failures" if they resulted in your emotional growth. Did you take the time to learn how you contributed to their end so you can avoid making the same mistakes again?

Also, I hope you are up front with other women you date about just wanting casual, non-exclusive relationships, and aren't giving them the false impression that you actually want more.

[pinsoflight]

thanks for the reply. i agree with you, and in fact i tried (we both tried) actually to cease all contact, but either me or her, we both ended up checking in with each other again. I will probably have to take a deep breath and kiss her goodbye once again. i will miss her. so as for your "scab picking" example it is not very accurate. it's two ways, it's not only me contacting her, it's both ways, she contacts me too, and when i tell her "it's not a good idea" she replies "i know and i don't care, i wanted to say hi"....

ans yeah, my past relationships were bad but necessary evils to teach me what i want and don't want in my life anymore. it was bad, but i feel better about my self and what I want for my self now.

and yes, i am always upfront when i meet girls about my desire right now to keep things on a more fun/casual note. then i leave it up to them to decide. i'm not a player or anything, respect for other human beings always comes first!

what happened to you? how were you in a similar situation? I hope you are ok. feelings are sometimes worse than physical pain.

I may be a bit biased, since I find myself in exactly her shoes, but it seems to me that if you are still interested in dating around, you should stop all contact with her (assuming she is hoping for more). Your continuous contact is like picking at a scab that won't heal. Let her have the time she needs to get over you, and find someone who has matured a bit more and is ready to take on adult responsibilities.

BTW, the time you spent with your previous relationships wouldn't be considered "failures" if they resulted in your emotional growth. Did you take the time to learn how you contributed to their end so you can avoid making the same mistakes again?

Also, I hope you are up front with other women you date about just wanting casual, non-exclusive relationships, and aren't giving them the false impression that you actually want more.

[lovemuffin]

Yikes on both sides... and I've been there.. on both sides. Let me ask you this... if she went off and say married another guy how would you feel?

[pinsoflight]

i think she is seeing someone now, and it "hurts". not much i can do or say about it, but i admit that it "bothers me"....

[Ange Barnes]

Interesting... I think this girl sounds like a good catch. Don't mess her around and start dating her again if your 'mind' is wandering elsewhere. Do what you 'have to do' but after having your fun, you may realise that this girl is actually 'the one' and she may or may not be there when your ready!

[pinsoflight]

i know in fact she is a wonderful person, but i'm just no there mentally to commit, that's what's so hard about this situation. it's really messed up, i want her, but i want my freedom too....
i'm not dating her really we just hang out sometimes with no physical interaction. but it's hard, cause the feelings are there I'm really lost on what to do, that's why i posted here, to get other people's opinions, cause i can't make sense of this situation...

[vashti]

The problem with online dating is that many men can't seem to stop once they start. It's a virtual candy store out there, and men can't seem to stop wondering if a better piece of candy is just a click away. It's not really fair to the women they date (assuming she thought he was interested in an actual relationship), in that a relationship was never really an option to him.

Listen, I have no problem with casual dating, but I guess my definition of casual dating is different than yours. Despite your warning that you were only looking for fun, casual dating doesn't include 5 months of exclusive dating, which is more than enough time for one partner to develop actual feelings of attachment. 5 months - to me - is an actual relationship, which requires an actual break-up, and will include lots of hurt feelings and pain.

You should have cut this off a lot sooner.

[IndiReloaded]

If you wanted her enough, this wouldn't be an issue. Relationships aren't just about great people, its about timing and both being in a place in life they are ready for each other. Grow up. Stop playing around and let her go already. You are keeping her on the line which is a shitty thing to do. If you lose out in the end, that's the price you pay.

[pinsoflight]

i just want to make it super clear that she knows everything about me and my situation. i never hide anything from her. yet, for some reason she still feels she wants me in her life. she knows i lead a single life now and all. i am definitely NOT playing games with anyone. that must be absolutely clear. this situation is what it is because we are BOTH into it, and we BOTH got our selves into it. I did let her go some time back, now we are back, but not cause I decided it. I t happened on both ends. also, i have been on the other side too, in the shoes of the person with strong feelings for someone who did not want to commit. i know how it feels, i'm not oblivious or insensitive to any of this.

[vashti]

Yeah. I got all that the first time you said it.

I assume the way you portrayed her interest is accurate, in which case I say: Let her go. She is probably only hanging around because she still feels connected to you, and cares for you. One of these days (because you are still looking), you will click with someone else (who won't want her around), and you will have to get rid of her anyway, but by then, she will be even more connected.

[IndiReloaded]

yet, for some reason she still feels she wants me in her life. she knows i lead a single life now and all. i am definitely NOT playing games with anyone. that must be absolutely clear.

i know how it feels, i'm not oblivious or insensitive to any of this.

Yeah. Addictive, isn't it? That ego-stroking you get from this girl wanting you so much she'll tolerate your non-committal self to get it.

BS. You don't love this girl. You love the way she makes *you* feel. You keep telling yourself its all her choice tho and not your fault when she gets shredded. All for your ego. Nice.

For goodness sake, do the right thing and let her go find someone who actually wants her.

[pinsoflight]

hum honestly this is not an ego thing at all. i would appreciate some understanding here. i simply like her. she's a great person. the problem is that i ran into this "great catch" at the wrong time of my life, when i was not ready for a relationship, that is my dilemma, as simple as that....

Yeah. Addictive, isn't it? That ego-stroking you get from this girl wanting you so much she'll tolerate your non-committal self to get it.

BS. You don't love this girl. You love the way she makes *you* feel. You keep telling yourself its all her choice tho and not your fault when she gets shredded. All for your ego. Nice.

For goodness sake, do the right thing and let her go find someone who actually wants her.