Is he really confused, or just trying to make it easy for himself?!?!

[mimi88]

Ok, so I started off this relationship 2 months ago, at first it was really intense, then about 3 weeks into it he out of the blue tells me.he doesn't know if he's over his ex, with whom he broke up about 2 weeks prior to getting with me. I tell him let's take a little break so he could work things out. I didn't want to force anything, seeing as I previously broke off a 2yr relationship. So in that period he called me every single day, he didn't want to break contact. After a week, he tells me that he's sure that he wants to be with me. I'm not even sure why he told me this is in the first place. He said there was no chance of him being with her again but that he wanted to be fully committed. Since the moment we got back together, he has been calling everyday after work, has introduced me to his friends, introduced me to his parents, but something is off... When were together he's really affectionate, always holding my hand, kissing me, mostly on my forehead in public, but the moment were not together our convos on the phone are business like, msgs are direct no affection, and even if I say something nice he ignores it. Mostly whenever I initiate meetings he can't make time for us alone, its always, come spend time with me and my friends... Hes friends told me he likes me, and that he always mentions me... We see each other at most twice a week, am I asking to much?
Soo after an incident, when he bailed on our date, i just had enough, we had a long talk, he tells me he's confused, he likes me alot, but doesn' know why he can't be his usual self, he can see himself being with me, but just doesn't know why it can't go smoothly for him. I ask him if he wants to break up, has no answer for me. So I tell him maybe we should break up.He then asks, if I would be with him again if he clarified his head. So is he really confused, or just wanted to make a easy break

[a-brainwavelove]

The guy is really confused, give him some time! The best way to approach the situation is this - ask yourself - how YOU feel about him. Not only heart to heart, but the soul-to-soul connection - how deep is it? If you feel there is something really special there, just be patient. Don't try to push things and make the decision now - let's break up or let's stay together. I have seen this same kind of scenario with a couple of guys - they don't show it, but they are very sensitive and they have this fear instilled in them, fear of committing again, fear of opening up. He may even not realize it himself! It may take time, but he will loosen up, he will - if you are willing to wait. So, basically, clear out your feelings, your head and make a decision for yourself - how into him are you, and how long are you willing to be patient for?

[searock]

It seems like he's trying his best to make the relationship with you work, he genuinely *wants* it to work, but for the time being he is still being emotionally held back by his feelings for his ex. It's understandable, he broke up just 2 weeks before dating you. For how long were they together? Was she his first "true love"? The answers to these questions can help estimate the time he'll need to fully "recover".

It will be at least a few months, in the best case scenario. Are you willing to wait - even knowing that he might never actually be completely "yours"?

[mimi88]

I really do like him, I mean its harder for me now, than it was breaking up with my previous long term boyfriend. He honestly is the sweetest and calmest person I have met, not once since were together have we had a fight, we both really listen to each other, and I have never had that in my my life. I do want to wait, and I really want to make it work, but the question is, should he know that he can count on having me back, or should I just play it cool and make him understand that really can lose me...

[searock]

For how long were him and his ex together, and was that his first long-term relationship?

[mimi88]

He has had a 3yr relationship in the past, but he was with this one for 7 months, but it was an off and on again type of relationship, with her being the one that was stringing him along. And in the end she broke it off, cause she got back together with her ex. I mean he's 28 and she is 32, i just can't really believe that he thinks theres a future there. Maybe just some of us are born masochists...

[mimi88]

I really do like him, I mean its harder for me now, than it was breaking up with my previous long term boyfriend. He honestly is the sweetest and calmest person I have met, not once since were together have we had a fight, we both really listen to each other, and I have never had that in my my life. I do want to wait, and I really want to make it work, but the question is, should he know that he can count on having me back, or should I just play it cool and make him understand that he can really lose me...

[searock]

It sounds like he was very much in love with her, and he had made lots of projects in his mind that involved her. So it's natural that now he feels lost and confused, and can't open up straight away. He probably feels very vulnerable right now, and he's building his defenses so as not to be hurt as much as he was when she left him. However: 7 months is not a very long time, and since he's 28, I'm assuming it wasn't his first long-term relationship. Which means that it won't be a long time before he recovers. So if you really care for him and want to make it work, I suggest you tell him that you are willing to give him space to process the break-up, and when he's ready he can come back to you. You can keep in contact and even hang out together, just don't have sex until he's ready to be emotionally committed to you alone.

[mimi88]

Thanks, this was very insightful ) i really needed an outside point of view, seeing as my friends were very biased and just couldn't give me clarification... Pride is a fickle thing, it was really hard to look at all this for what it really was, as opposed to him just blowing me off...

[a-brainwavelove]

I really do like him, I mean its harder for me now, than it was breaking up with my previous long term boyfriend. He honestly is the sweetest and calmest person I have met, not once since were together have we had a fight, we both really listen to each other, and I have never had that in my my life. I do want to wait, and I really want to make it work, but the question is, should he know that he can count on having me back, or should I just play it cool and make him understand that he can really lose me...

I would just like to add that what you say here shows that this relationship has really brought something quite special into your life. I do wish you from all my heart all the best with it! I don't completely agree with the advice of telling him to 'come back once he is ready', as this in a way suggests a break-up... I would rather say, just distance yourself a little when you feel you need to, but don't close yourself up like he does, as this will just drive you too much apart... Rather follow your intuition of what you have to do, stay calm and confident in your own worth.

[HeartIsAching]

The guy is really confused, give him some time! The best way to approach the situation is this - ask yourself - how YOU feel about him. Not only heart to heart, but the soul-to-soul connection - how deep is it? If you feel there is something really special there, just be patient. Don't try to push things and make the decision now - let's break up or let's stay together. I have seen this same kind of scenario with a couple of guys - they don't show it, but they are very sensitive and they have this fear instilled in them, fear of committing again, fear of opening up. He may even not realize it himself! It may take time, but he will loosen up, he will - if you are willing to wait. So, basically, clear out your feelings, your head and make a decision for yourself - how into him are you, and how long are you willing to be patient for?

what a bunch of claptrap.

[mimi88]

Well, we have been apart now for 2 weeks, didn't turn out quite well that night... We parted on the good terms, but with an unspoken agreement that its not quite over yet... How much time should i give him?? During the 2 weeks he sent me a text once, asking me how if i passed my exam, he actually remembered when it was..... I sent him a couple of msgs on facebook, but just casual chit chat, didn't mention anything about us. Its been really hard on me, don't know if i should initiate a meeting, seeing as i actually initiated the break up, or i should let him call me when he's ready???

[smackie9]

Tip: never date someone fresh out of relationship, especially if they are the one that got dumped. He is obviously is still in love with his ex and you are not enough to make him forget about her, so there is no hope for you. You are best to leave him be and find yourself a more stable guy.

Why he still contacts you? He is just using you to escape from the pain of the break up from his ex........you are a rebound.

[Maple1714]

Yep....you are a rebound and you never want to be in that position! Move on from him...no matter how much you like him. Maybe one day in the future (years!) he will really be able to move on from his ex and come find you again. I was in a similar situation a few years ago...its hard but you can move on. Do you really want to be 2nd best to someone or live in his ex's shadow?

[Maple1714]

Also, I don't believe people are ever really confused...he knows what he wants (his ex) and he can't have it. So he is trying to find someone else (you) to fill the void. It wont work. He is not confused just a coward to face his pain alone. The guy I was in "love" with who wasn't over his ex...it's been 3 years and he still can't get over her...takes men longer I think to get over being dumped. DO NOT try and be his friend either.