Married and in love with someone from my past (who is now back in the present)

[vicki123]

Between the ages of 17 and 20 I worked with a guy who was married at the time. We got on like a house on fire, I was totally smitten with him and although we had the odd "moment" we never let it go any further because he was married. We were totally comfortable in each other's company, had an incredible sexual chemistry between us and I was totally in love with him, although I never told him how I truly felt. I accepted a long time ago that nothing could come of it and I got married myself and have two children.

Recently, 10 years after we last worked together, our paths crossed again. In turns out in the time elapsed, he has had two childen and has since divorced and is living alone. We have exchanged many e-mails and it is as though there has been no time difference at all, we are both the same people (although now our circumstances are very much changed).

We met up last week and the chemistry was still there was it was before, and I am still as much in love with this guy as I was 13 years ago. He is my perfect soulmate. Nothing has happened between us on a physical level but it is clear we both want to.

My marriage hasn't been great for a while. I love my husband but as a friend not a lover. He is a good man and a wonderful father, but, as much as I hate to say it, he doesn't "do it" for me anymore. But at the same time, our children are both still very young and the thought of possibly taking them away from their father is painful, incredibly.

Please help me make sense of this mess?


Vic

[searock]

You are bored with your marriage, this is why you let yourself go to old emotions. I think you should stop seeing/contacting the "old flame", and focus on your marriage. Were you ever madly in love with your husband? Think about those feelings... if it was true love then, there has to be something left :-).

[vicki123]

You are bored with your marriage, this is why you let yourself go to old emotions. I think you should stop seeing/contacting the "old flame", and focus on your marriage. Were you ever madly in love with your husband? Think about those feelings... if it was true love then, there has to be something left :-).

Being 100% honest? I would say the only man I have ever truly loved in my life is the "other guy". My husband is a good kind man (although hard work, miserable and thoughtless on occasion!) but I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about the other guy pretty much every day since we last saw each other.

[vicki123]

I think you are horny! Thats all.

And i dont think if you say something about sexual chemistry, is cause its all about sex!
You want to go and see what it was that you did not get when you was a teenager.

And that is stupid! Cause you are married and should take care of issues in your marriage with you husband so things can get better.

You cant come up suddenly when you saw a old crush with story's like : well my marriage is not great for a while.

And any mess that there is, you made it!
You should respect your marriage! and kids and husband.
And stop having contact with this dude. and go solve the real issues instead of using this
dude as a excuse to do rubbish.

And the sad thing is he can come in when ever he likes and do what ever he want to you,
cause he knows he have not to loose. but you have!

How stupid are you?!!!!!!!!!!!

If it really was just about the sex then don't you think I'd just have an affair with him, have a bit of fun and then forget about it? I could do if I wanted, but to be honest, the sexual side of things is nowhere near as pressing as the emotional feelings.

[searock]

OP, cheekxs is a troll, ignore her. Did you read my post, what do you think?

[IndiReloaded]

OP, cheekxs is a troll, ignore her.

This^. But s/he does have a knack for occasionally making sense. Like the lucky town idiot.

OP - do you have children yourself? If yes, then focus on your family. If not, then I think you should have a frank conversation w/your husband about your feelings for this old flame. Give him a chance to address any issues you are having. You owe your husband that, I think.

[Boisdevie]

Whether you have children or not you need to let your husband know that you're not happy with the relationship. If things can be improved to your mutual satisfaction then fine. If not then end the marriage and move on. Plenty of children live with divorced parents and they seem to survive.

[searock]

Being 100% honest? I would say the only man I have ever truly loved in my life is the "other guy". My husband is a good kind man (although hard work, miserable and thoughtless on occasion!) but I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about the other guy pretty much every day since we last saw each other.

I hadn't seen this before, my bad.

In this case, you made a HUGE mistake by getting married to a man you were never head-over-heels in love with. You need a divorce, regardless of the other guy. If it's not going to be him, it's going to be someone else sooner or later. You will always feel like there is something missing as long as you aren't with a man you truly love.

[JB9]

I was in a relationship and then marriage for a total of 14 yrs with someone who I never was attracted too. Was he a friend, yes. A lover, no. An alcoholic, yes(hence the unnattraction). What did I do? Realised how unfair it was to stay with him regardless of the pain that was created for the both of us and that he would never meet my needs on many levels, his issues with alcohol were never going to change and life is too short. I "manned up", asked for a divorce, got it and moved on. Nothing is easy, the end result is worth it. And emotional cheating is wrong.

No one can tell you what to do, you have gotten yourself into this situation...find YOUR way out. Whatever that ends up being. Good luck!

[IndiReloaded]

Plenty of children live with divorced parents and they seem to survive.

Its not about 'survival', its about what is best for the children. If parents can remain civil and married long enough to raise reasonable children, then they should do so. That's what the commitment means, after all. Not 'bail when it gets hard'.

That said, there are situations where marriages are abusive or very acrimonious. In these cases, I agree it can actually be *better* for the children when the parents divorce (sometimes parents get along better as co-parents than as partners). But IMO the needs of the children should always be considered first. Divorce is very hard on children, so when it happens it really had better be b/c the alternative is much worse.