Do I have double standards??

[kipani]

Hi all. Recently my boyfriend of 7 years (and father of my children) became close friends with a girl. Actually.. He called her his best friend. Since then I have been a jealous wreck about this girl. You see, I'm no longer one of those people who think that a man and a woman can become close friends without the sex factor coming in the way. He says he sees her as a sibling or a guy. Things have happened that have made me more jealous of her.

I asked him to play a game with me, he turned me down and said he didnt like leveling with people.. then I saw him leveling with her. Of course I reacted with jealousy. Now he says its because I get bored easily and start doing something else. Okay thats fair. Still felt replaced. She started playing with another guy and he got jealous and possessive. I reacted with jealousy again. But the thing is, he's gotten upset in front of me being replaced before by a MALE friend, and hes completely straight.

I'm still upset he's possessive of a female who isn't me. He used to talk to her a lot, a few hours every day and sporatic texts throughout the day, called her his best friend, then when I got mad, switched it to sibling. Said he saw her as a guy. I just wasnt comfortable with the situation.

I got paranoid, checked his facebook messages, seen stuff like her saying "Hows my buddy? I miss my buddy" and him going "Aww thought I was the only one"

I was too jealous. I wanted her gone. He removed her.

After the kids, I havent felt great about my body. I saw a camwhore on his MSN messenger and flipped out at him.. Turns out it was a bot.

Now here's the thing - my boyfriend gets very upset when I talk to a certain guy. I talked to this guy to complain on 3 separate occasions about my boyfriend talking to this girl. I think I did it because I was talking to him to be spiteful and because I felt angry and like I was sharing my boyfriends affection with her.

My boyfriend says I have double standards, because I don't want him talking to this girl, but I can talk to this guy. It was 3 short conversations and it was while my boyfriend was still talking to this girl - before he removed her. It's weird, I feel this need to know everyone he knows. He doesnt believe me.

He says I do too many things for attention. For example, I put my picture in my avatar usually. Not a **** picture, just my face, no cleavage or anything haha.. I take lots of facebook pictures of myself. Before I met him, I got drunk one night and flashed a bunch of people. I know, sick, unclassy. It was like 8-9 years ago, before I met him. Had a bad breakup at the time. I'm more grown up now.

Also I occasionally visit chatrooms at night (because im up with the baby - but btw, the people I flashed were just in random chatrooms too) and talk to a bunch of the same people at once. Usually male, like 70% male. I've agreed since he removed her, no more chatrooms.


I told him I wouldnt talk to guys anymore and I removed every guy from my facebook. Then when the guy he didnt want me to talk to typed something to me on a GAME, I replied to him, and my boyfriend got upset. The guy didnt private message me just said it outloud. I said fine, whatever, and I blocked him. I told him I would be tempted to reply to him if he asked me something, so better I just not see his messages. My boyfriend got upset and said I shouldn't even be tempted to reply to someone he felt uncomfortable with me talking with, since he couldn't talk to his female friend.

He angry I can have male friends but hes angry he can't have this female friend.

Are my standards really double?? Do I have a right to be paranoid? Does he?

Thing about my boyfriend, is hes a pretty moral guy. He's stubborn, he loves me to pieces. He tries so hard to relieve my insecurities with everything. He says I just make him more paranoid because I told him, I can only have one very close connection with a man and if I feel a connection with another man, as the connection to the other man grows stronger, the connection to the original man will grow weaker. I was expecting him to say "Hey me too, I see your point!" but I got no such admission. He said he has boundaries and sees her as a man.

[Wakeup]

I think your problems run deeper than this one issue you have shared. You don't even sound like you do anything with one another and the two of you spend all your time ignoring one another while you cyber chat with others. You even get on the damn computer when you're up tending to your babies for goodness sakes and basically ignoring them as well.

When is the last time you and your boyfriend went out on a date, just the two of you without the children and more importantly were away from your computer screens? I think you two need to get your priorities straight and quit worrying so much about who has a double standard and who doesn't.

Good luck, you're going to need to do some work to get yourselves back on track, or so it seems. Best start now while you're still young enough to fix things back to the way they should be.

[vashti]

I agree with wakeup. It sounds like you are both waaaayyyy too caught up in cyberspace. You both are parents now. It's time to re-prioritize.

[kipani]

Is this really all of the advice you people can offer? Gotta admit I'm a little disappointed because nobody really answered my questions.. When you have children (You didnt ask their ages) you lose time to yourself and a lot of the time parents have a lot of trouble finding a babysitter. We're such parents. We last had a date when the Avengers came out - Then before that, when the first iron man came out.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Kipani, their advice is actually very sound. It is you who are not an adult. Grow up and leave Never-Neverland(aka the interwebz). To answer your question, yes, you do have double standards. I think the best thing you could do for your offspring, and society in general, is put them up for adoption, and then you and your boyfriend should commit ritual suicide. Make it something cool and dramatic, like jumping off a tall building onto the sidewalk.

[vashti]

Is this really all of the advice you people can offer? How disappointing.

It is. The fact that you are dismissing good advice from two honest-to-goodness grown-ups is indicative of your level of emotional development.

What advice were you expecting to hear?

[Wakeup]

Is this really all of the advice you people can offer? Gotta admit I'm a little disappointed because nobody really answered my questions.. When you have children (You didnt ask their ages) you lose time to yourself and a lot of the time parents have a lot of trouble finding a babysitter. We're such parents. We last had a date when the Avengers came out - Then before that, when the first iron man came out.

Oh for goodness sakes. You are the main problem in this relationship if I were to gauge it on this last response of yours.

You have to make an effort. If you made as much effort to get out and reconnect with the father of your children as you do on the internet/facebook/chatrooms then you'd have a happy co-habitation. Christ have you even made an effort to make your boyfriend/girlfriend status more than a highschool euphemism?

Make a freaking effort to be a good partner and then the chances are very likely that you will get a good partner in return. You're lucky he's still supporting you and your children this far.

I've been happily married for three decades and we didn't stay that way by me saying "it's hard to get a babysitter." You should be each other's No. 1 priority after the children have been fed, clothed and put to bed. (certainaly not your chat buddies/facebook or other men you "connect" with online.)

(same goes for your dude as well)

Ask your local highschool guidance councellor for a list of reputible babysitting teenagers in your area and get back the emotional connection you've lost with your SO. Failing that, what about his parents or your own?