My girlfriend has left me but I am not convinced that she has made the right choice.

[ElJaffacakeo]

Hi,

My girlfriend of near 4 years decided last week that things had to end and to be honest it was a bit of shock, well, a lot of a shock. Ill give you the back story, it is quite lengthy but I really would appreciate other peoples musings on this that I am not connected to socially or emotionally.

We recently went on holiday as a happy as you like couple, sure things weren't ideal but there was no evidence to suggest things were particularly bad. We went on holiday with another couple who actually broke up towards the end of the trip. After the holiday, my girlfriend (who was friends with both sides of that couple) stayed in close contact with both and witnessed first hand what became a pretty ugly breakup. During this time my girlfriend had stated that she was applying for jobs outwith the City and when asked what I thought, I told her that as she didnt want to have kids, I didnt want to leave and compromises should be made. This was the start of the decline, I think. Following the break up of that other couple, my then girlfriend began to get close to the guy who did the dumping. I was too, he was a good laugh and I would have considered him a very good friend, we had a lot in common. My ex has always gotten on with guys better than girls, its actually one facet that I really loved about her. Some construed it as flirting, but I never doubter her for a second, I never had a reason. Anyway, her best mate, a guy, recently moved to Australia and this guy from the other couple had similar banter so when they started to get close I just sort of thought that she was missing that aspect of her life. I should say here that watching that couple break up was an eye opener - I realised I had to be a more attentive and emotionally available boyfriend, so I decided that my comment about not leaving the city was stupid and I would be an absolute fool to break up what I felt was THE relationship over something so trivial - basically I grew up. I more or less ran home from work that day to give my girlfriend the news - she had been distant and I knew it and I thought it was because she was upset about what I said. Only thing is when I told her what I thought, she seemed unreadable, in fact her demeanor didnt change. As the week wore on, I knew something else was up. One Sunday night I decided to challenge her on it and after about an hours questioning about what was wrong with her, she finally told me - she kissed the guy from the holiday and possibly had feelings for him. I honestly didnt see that coming and anyone who has been told that will know how it felt, heartbroken just isnt the word for it. We cried, we talked, I felt violated but I asked her if she wanted to break up with me and she said no. I knew then that I could forgive her if we both made the commitment to moving past this and learning from it and of course he was removed from both our lives. The next day however she decided that she wanted to think things over, that she didnt know if she wanted to continue because of how the relationship had been for the last year. This is something I will need to explain -

This time last year I started a new job - I had just finished, and spectacularly messed up, my Uni degree and blamed everything but myself. I started a full time job in a call centre and things went down from there - I had money troubles and looking back I now realise that I was actually probably depressed. My girlfriend and I enjoyed a truly amazing weekend away in Rome for a second time in November last year but after that, we did nothing together - we didnt go to the pub, out for dinner, we even sat in different rooms to watch TV. At the time it suited me though because I didnt really want to do that - I didnt want to do anything. My girlfriend had a tough time too - she wasnt happy at her own degree result and couldnt get a job but I was never there for her. I wasnt there to alleviate her boredom and offer her advice because I simply couldnt be bothered. I knew it was bad but I didnt think that we would ever, EVER break up.

Now, back to what I was saying. As soon as she told me that she didnt know if she wanted to be with me, that began what I will always remember as the single worst 2 weeks of my life. I tried everything I could to make her realise that this wasnt dead; we shared a flat - no, a home -, we have a dog together and we were planning our lives, talking about marriage and the future. Nothing I said would work though and after 2 weeks of being in limbo she told me that it was over. I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried. Truthfully, looking back I realise that it was mostly my fault - as I said before I just wasnt there. I think that being around a couple breaking up was probably what started it - she was unhappy and saw all the negativity surrounding them and found herself a friend and "something different" in the guy from the holiday which led to that kiss (she has promised me on her mothers life that nothing else other than that one kiss happened and I believe her!).

The day that we broke up I tried to promise her that everything would be ok and I outlines what would change to make it so. Her response was that she couldnt see how it would work. Now this is why I cannot accept that she has made the right call. Asked her if she loved me, she said yes. I asked her if she was in love with me, she said yes. I asked if she wanted to be with me, she said yes. I asked her if she was leaving me for holiday guy, she said no. I cannot understand why then that this needs to end!! She said she is tired of carrying the relationship (she did, Ill give her that) but when I asked if we were worth the fight she said she wasnt sure she had any left. One other thing, On the day that we broke up, I told her to tell me that it was over. 3 times I told her to say it was over, 3 times she repeated that she couldnt see how it could work before I finally got a tad angry.

Simply, I am not sure that SHE is sure she wants this to end. I have now moved all my stuff out and when I did, before I left she burst out crying, hugged me for about 30 minutes and everytime I tried to leave she held me tighter. I am truly scared that I will always love her and that I will always be waiting for her and I told her this, and I asked her to tell me that there was never going to be a way back to which she replied "I cannot ask you to wait". What does that mean!?!?

I know in my heart that this is ending for the wrong reason, this is the first major crisis we have had in our near 4 years and it guts me that at the first she has essentially cut and run. I told her that I have forgiven her kiss - mistakes happen. But I told her that I wasnt sure I could ever forgive her for ending our relationship. I know that one day she will regret doing it, because when we were happy, we were damn happy and knew it was forever. I just hope its not too late when she realises, but I fear that it will.

I am going over to the flat this week to pick up the remainder of my stuff and I know that it will be a long time till I see her and my dog again. I have a million things I want to say to her. Hell, I have even thought about fabricating a girl from work liking me and telling her that I am going for a drink with her to try and make her a little jealous!

Am I stupid to not let go? I will, in every way I know, try my best to and to get over her but I think I am always going to love her. She is my everything and It breaks my heart everyday when I wake up and realise the wonderful dream I had about her was just that - a dream.

Can anyone suggest what she might be thinking?? Am I wrong to think that somewhere down the line she will realise it was a mistake? What should I say to her when I see her this week?

I just....dont know anymore.

Thanks.

[Jack1]

Wow that sounds like a pretty terrible break up. It sounds like both of you have very strong feelings for each other but also some pretty big issues. Maybe its best to give each other some time to think things through and then decide how to proceed. As for making her jealous I would say that is not the best idea. Obviously she hurt you but at the asme time the problems seem pretty complicated so that sort of provocation might just make things even more complicated. I really think you can get her back though, just give her some time and maybe try to improve on the things that you said were problematic on your end in the relationship.

[ElJaffacakeo]

Cheers.

I am already working on what needs to be done on my end. Only thing is the longer I go without speaking to her and trying to prove to her that we can work the more I think she is getting over me! Im scared that she is going to convince herself that this was the best idea.

[smackie9]

I don't think she has been totally truthful. She has had thoughts of ending this relationship for awhile...You were happy at one time, but that was in the past. While she had to deal with your emotional disconnect from the relationship, it gave her time to think about what else is out there to experience. It all came to the surface during that trip for both her and that other guy. She got a taste and oh how sweet it was, it made her feel so alive again. Now she is stuck. She has a good reliable thing, but there is also this new passion to be had.


The ball has to be left in her court. She needs her space so she can weigh out things and see which direction she wants to go. It's a 50/50 chance she will come back. Doin a dance, begging, standing on your head for her won't make a hill of beans....you have to leave it all up to her. Time away will let her experience life without you....this will play more in your favor.

[misombra]

Kissed=****ed.

[MsAdele]

It sounds like you are both going through hell. The last thing you would want to do now is fabricate a new woman just to make her jealous, do not attempt to lie to her, lack of communication and deceit was the issue for your break up in the first place. You should definitely take some time apart, if she decides that the break up was the right thing to do then you will just have to accept it as there is no point in being in a relationship that is one sided. Then again she may decide that she can't live without you and come back to you again after a few weeks/months. You will need to be patient but you also need to prepare yourself in case she doesn't come back to you. If she kissed another man she must have been feeling vulnerable because the way you describe her makes me think she isn't the cheating type - maybe she went to him due to something you couldnt fulfill, maybe he was attentive and was there for her to chat to when she was down because it seemed as you both were drifting apart for awhile. It seems as if she is extremely guilty over this kiss also which maybe another reason for breaking up with you. If you decide to give it a go again maybe you should start from scratch and live apart but meet up for dates to begin with and see how it goes from there, see if you can rekindle the love that you had when you started going out.

[KingZ]

As difficult as it is for someone in your position to grasp right now, the relationship is done. It's over. It wasn't a sharp decline; it had been going south for a while. She knows it. You might not.

Trying to force it at this point will only result in an awful marriage, further infidelity, and in all likeliness, divorce.

Cut your losses now, because if you don't, you'll have to later; and it's going to be so much worse.

[iamaninnocentma]

As difficult as it is for someone in your position to grasp right now, the relationship is done. It's over. It wasn't a sharp decline; it had been going south for a while. She knows it. You might not.

Trying to force it at this point will only result in an awful marriage, further infidelity, and in all likeliness, divorce.

Cut your losses now, because if you don't, you'll have to later; and it's going to be so much worse.

Haha wtf. Has someone hacked your account or have you been watching too much oprah.

[Cerby]

Cheers.

I am already working on what needs to be done on my end. Only thing is the longer I go without speaking to her and trying to prove to her that we can work the more I think she is getting over me! Im scared that she is going to convince herself that this was the best idea.

Sadly, trying to fix the problems after the fact really does nothing but create more heartbreak. If she convinces herself that this was the best idea, then it probably was...

[ElJaffacakeo]

Thanks for the replies. To the guy that said kissed=****ed, I know that's not true, its as simple as that. Some people are saying that I should just cut my losses. I cannot see how I can do that - this is the first crisis in 4 years that we have had - what I need is for her to sit down with me and talk about how we got here, hopefully give her just a tiny bit of faith to carry on then I KNOW we will be golden. But she wont do that. She just listens to what I have to say and looks at me. What I cannot understand is why, after 4 years and so much that we have together, she feels the need to just end it. Someone also said that the decline has been going on for a while - I dont think that is particularly true - she has never until the breakup of that couple on holiday, given me any indication that she was unhappy, she was her normal, loving self. It was just in the 2-3 weeks following that holiday that I noticed the change. As I said, that couple mixed with that guy and her head was turned. I think it is a very, very rash decision. She said she loves me and is in love with me and even told me that she wanted to be with me - how can that not be enough to have another try!? Doesnt 4 years and all that we have together DESERVE another shot??

[smackie9]

Doesnt 4 years and all that we have together DESERVE another shot??

Sure! But you can say that till the cows come home.....like I said, it's still up to her.

As for her changing a few weeks before......she's been a little more than friends with that guy for awhile, a possible emotinal affair or even more. The guy made himself single for her, now she is following along with the plan to be with him by leaving you. Dude people lie to pacify, to avoid confrontation, to hide the truth. This isn't about you and the need to be a better BF, this is her desiring someone else.

[lylufy]

Sometime, a longtime love will be so weak ! You know why?
Because too much passion, happiness, beauty but also too much worrying, fightening if it broken.
So that why, although 4 years, she still want to go end.
As you said, both of you love each other so much, strong feelings.
That kiss is only a tiny bit mistake. That boy(kiss her) is also a strange wind to her but you are only one !
She seem to be still love you much, and don't want to left. But she is afraid of your selfish too.
You was wrong when you treated her like that ! I will never live all life with man who did not come to alleviate my pain, my difficult, my boredom.
Try to express your love and regret to her ! Fix your mistake ! Take care her more.