How to regain my love who decided to leave after 2 years in total harmony

[Tommaso]

Hello everyone,

After having briefly introduced myself in the dedicated part of the forum, I am hereby writing my story seeking some good advice.

I am a 43-year-old man; I work as a manager of a branch of a multi-national company suffering a lot of financial crisis and have been on the verge of bankruptcy for over a year now, albeit we are still surviving.

I am married since more than 10 years, however my marriage has been a wreck since quite a long time, and since over three years my wife and I live like brother and sister, although we do care for each other, but we know we’ll split up one way or another.

Faults were from both sides, lack of communication, and great expectations, especially from her side.

Slightly more than two years ago we used to fight everyday, and I am not exaggerating if I say 24 hours a day. Not to mention that we work at the same place, and she used to bring the fights over to work, and create quite embarrassing situations by yelling, screaming, insulting…etc.

Nevertheless, I don’t hate her and I do care, but as a friend, or a room mate.

The same year (2010) when all that happened, I met a wonderful lady through work, she is one year younger than I am, and we became really close, as friends, and then we grew closer to a point that we became lovers. She was married, however her husband used to live in another country and they used to meet once in three months for a week or so.

Their relationship seemed to be cold and distant.

When we got together, she showed me a side of love that I had never experienced or though it ever existed, she was supportive, available, caring, strong, loving, you name it. She said she had no expectations and she just wanted me to be happy, and relieve all my pain, doubts, worries and concerns.

She knew what kind of hell I was living with my wife, and she told me consider me your sanctuary. And she was in every meaning of the word and beyond.

Sometime last year, she split up with her husband, and she became a bit distant for a month or so, then we became closer, meanwhile, I carried on living with my wife, however only as roommates, and this is mainly because we both work in a foreign country, in the same company and share the same accommodation.

We still shared a few things together, as social events since we were invited as (MR. & MRS), and a few dinners, drinks here and there. She obviously did not know anything about my relationship.

The idea of separation was there, but it was just a matter of time due to the complexity of her being working with me at the same place at an important role.

Meanwhile, my relationship with the lady continued, with all the loving, caring and extreme harmony, we used to share the silliest things together in joy and happiness, even silence, as long as we were together. I lived the most magic moments of my life, and everyone who used to see me noticed that I am always with an upbeat spirit (obviously no one knew why).

Last summer, when my wife went back to our country for summer vacation, I moved in with the other lady, and we lived together for a month, and it was like a honeymoon. I lived the most magic moments of my life, and everyone who used to see me noticed that I am always with an upbeat spirit (obviously no one knew why since it was our little secret).

Since from the beginning we never spoke about hopes or expectations, we had only short-term projects or wishes, as in sharing travel experiences, wishing we could be together for a longer time, acknowledging that living together is just simply the right thing, and so on.

Less than 2 months ago, my wife returned from her summer leave, and I had to go back and live at home with my wife on separate basis; that saddened my lady a lot, and she sent me notes that she wished she had me for her only, and that my presence with her was the only right thing. I said I agree, and it is only a matter of time till that happens, she replied that she was just expressing a feeling, but she had no expectations, and that she will always be there for me.

Strangely, 2 weeks later, she started taking a distance, by not responding to my emails, texts, and when she did, all the responses were short and very “cold”. I tried to see her, but she claimed she was busy and promised to get in touch “properly” when the workload is less.

The silence became longer and wary, and I felt something was wrong, as her normal was contacting me every hour by a text or an email full of love, and caring and endless yearning signs.

She told me in more than one occasion that if I ever leave the country, I could never imagine the state of devastation she would be in. That’s how important I was to her.

I started suffering as it was the 1st time in more than two years that we were not constantly in touch, and I felt the world collapsing as I didn’t know what was going on.

Finally, she got back to me telling me that, she had been addressed by friends asking her (since she is separated now), what’s your next move?
She said she had instantly thought of me, but knowing that I am married, and that she doesn’t want to appear as a home-wrecker sort of confused her feelings and made her want to take a distance from me.

Spontaneously, I fell in a panic mood, as I could not imagine my life without her, and I told her not to worry, she is not a home-wrecker as my home is already a wreck, and that we have a common future, we connect very well, and two years together were just great and that I am looking forward to more. As a consequence, I told her I shall tell my wife now we’ll have to put an end to the show, since it has already ended quite sometime ago.

She (my love) said she is all of a sudden confused about her feelings towards me, and she doesn’t know where to head right now, perhaps right back to me or away from me.

Apparently it seemed that what her friends had said affected her a lot.

I sent her strong signs, that we had is not a short-term relationship, it grew stronger overtime, and in fact in two years we were in complete harmony, an ideal love story based on sharing joys and pains, being supportive to each other, and all what love brings, she helped me at work, I did help at her work as well. And countless things.

I told her that my life would be a misery without her, and that I am willing to sacrifice everything for her.

She obviously appreciated, but she said that I am becoming too attached to her, and this is worrying. A few days later, she sent me a devastating email telling me that my signs of unswerving love and attachment made her apprehend many things, and are forcing her to decide to stay away from me, and that yes she did love me, but over the past two weeks her feelings have been downgraded to affection and care, and special friendship.

I was (and still am) devastated, and tried to remind her of all of our loving moments, and everything else, but she said I want to move on.

Since then (almost a week), not to mention the previous 2/3 weeks of silence from her side, I have been living a tragedy, as she was the common factor of my day, texts, emails, then seeing each other 2 or 3 times/ week, for dinners, walks, chatting, snuggling together…etc.

Now, she is not there, and she is going out every night with friends, clubbing in a an exaggerated way, displaying a new look, new attitudes, a completely different person.
I wrote her notes, poems, pleas, but she said there is no way back. I even thought perhaps someone stole her heart, but no, no one did.

The emptiness in my life is beyond imagination and is immensely painful. I can’t work, I can’t eat, and when I eat I throw up, I can’t sleep more than an hour a night, and when I sleep I dream of her, and I am feeling chest pains all the time. Not to mention that I am missing her physically, as when we were together it was not making love, it was surrendering our souls to one another in the most amazing sublime way, it was the expressing of love in its awe-inspiring form. Hence, my skin shivers quite often, needing to touch her skin, even touching her hand or gazing into her eyes is equivalent to making love to her.

She said she wants to be a friend and not more. I know it is hard, I have to accept it, but it will kill me, in case I’ll see her with someone else.

As for my wife, we are just roommates. I told her we need to split up, she said give me time, you know I am working, but apart from that we have no relationship that sharing a meal together every now and then.

What can I do to regain my love’s heart back ?

We never quarreled, we were in perfect harmony until around mid Sep 2012, then, all changed, and since then I have been living a nightmare and it is not getting any better.

And I don’t want her to end up with someone else, I found in her my soul mate, my compatible partner, she did as well, her notes to me until mid Sep 2012 show it and prove it. I am really desperate and would rather die than to live this way.

Thanks for reading this, and appreciated any constructive hints.

Regards

[dem862]

You are married and she doesn't want to get involved in your drama, rightly so. What self-respecting woman wants a man who doesn't have the balls to get a divorce and tie up the loose ends of a failed marriage. You say your marriage doesn't mean anything, well then get out of it. You are not 100% available to anybody. Nobody wants to settle for part of a man. This woman has some pride and self-respect. She wants a full-time partner, not a part-time lover. Any woman can find that on any street corner. The ball is in your court. Move out on your own, divorce your wife, and start your life over. No excuses. Shhh. Do it. Shhh. Do it.

[smackie9]

I'll tell ya what happened.....you were a rebound. When you are in a dead relationship for so long, you become so deprived, that's why when someone comes along that gives you that attention it is so intense, it makes you crazy. When you are in that state of mind, nothing else matters because you want it more like a drug. But it gets to a point where it burns out as fast as it started. It turns out that it isn't love, that it was infatuation. It becomes clear that it's not what you thought it was. The dust has settle and the logical thinking comes back.....it's like coming down off a high. Sorry but it's over. Here is a link to clarify. copy and paste http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/romanceafterdivorce/p/reboundrelation.htm

To add, even if you did leave you wife sooner, the possibility of you being a rebound is still strong. The relationship may have lasted a few months more but she still probably would have ended it.

[Tommaso]

Thanks everyone for your contributions

dem862:

When I told the lady that I am willing to separate from my wife, which has been the case since quite sometime, but my wife is just procrastinating by using the work matters. But that is my intention, and my wife knows it, she is the one who is just delaying it.

OnyourFace:

We tried couple therapy a few times, but it never worked, we had our good moments, I can't deny, but most of the time fighting and arguing for anything and everything. It was an unhealthy marriage and I tried every possible way to mend it.
Now to avoid insanity the only way is giving her the chance to explore other people, and each one goes his own way.


smackie9:

i read the article, and it partially matches with the situation. however my "love" started seeing me way before she got separated from her husband, they were living apart and she knew he had more than one affair, and one time she saw us together, and she told me that it was that moment that she was sure she was in love with me when she saw us togther, she pictured me as a giant figure and him as a miniature.

after she got separated, she wanted some time alone and she asked me to give her some space, which i did, then after less than a month she was back to me, until what happened recently.

[Cerby]

The break point was when your wife came back from holiday and you moved back in with her. This was a sign to the newer girl that you were still showing a greater priority to your wife and not her. She rightfully realized that you will NEVER leave your wife, and that you continue to stay at home like a teenager that just won't move out.

It became clear you aren't serious about being with her or living with her. 2 years and she was frustrated, her friends asked her "what next" and she realized that you aren't dependable for a future.

Unfortunately your inability to take action and leave your wife cost you this relationship. Sorry.

[smackie9]

It is what it is.....when people are in the infactuation stage, they will dream and say all kinds of things, calling them their soul mate, marriage, life together etc...but it should never be taken as promises....people will and do change their mind when it all wears off.

[Tommaso]

Cerby

I believe you are right, but she has known that from the start, not that I am not going to leave my wife, in fact leaving my wife was and and still is an option (about to be take place very soon) as we both (me and my wife) know it is the right thing to do, after countless attempts to mend things.

Now, will I be able to get the other one back ? Once she knows I am leaving my wife, would that trigger (or re-trigger) something.

smackie

I agree with the infatuation thing, but again it was not the rebound after her split up, we were dating one year before her split up where she had a sort of an idle marriage, with a husband that betrayed her, and I had my failing marriage. Of course I wouldn't want to admit it, but if it is the case of infatuation, then i have to accept it.

Love is awful, its pain is far more powerful that its joy.

Thanks all.

[smackie9]

Love is awful because you played against the rules.

[Cerby]

@Tommaso - perhaps it might change something, but she is already in the process of moving on. Once she emotionally recovers (if she hasn't already) getting her back will be tough, if not impossible.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You must kill her if you love her. I know it may sound crazy, but if you truly want to be with her forever, you must kill her, then yourself.