Moving in advice

[Bettyboo]

Hi All,

Well this is my first time posting, so I will do my best to explain.

I'm after some advice about my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend 2 years and we are serious. By that I mean that we stay over each others three or four times a week most weeks, I'm friends with his friends who are mostly couples etc.

However, I brought the subject of moving in together back in April which really took him by surprise. I only wanted to bring it up and wasn't expecting to move in anytime soon. I just wanted to see if it was a option.
He said he does seeing us going there and certainly he has referred to getting married etc then in time, and has since referred to the bigger picture since then.

We both have our own places and are very independent.

I have since brought it up again, and I've told him that I'm ready to start discussing it and making plans, to which he said he wants to discuss it in the New Year. He also said that he is scared as he feels he is giving up his freedom.

I have to say, he doesn't go out on the town, so I know he isn't looking for anything better, he is just someone that likes his downtime, which I am the same, but I'm prepared to take the leap.

The advice I'm after is I thought moving in and making future plans should be exciting, however I can't help but feel he is reluctant to make plans. I don't want to nag him, as that isn't me.

Does he just need some time? I don't want to give ultimatums as I wouldn't want to force anything that he isn't ready for, but I won't sit around waiting forever for us to take the next step.

When I asked him what he was scared of, he replied "because I love you too much". His last two girlfriends he lived with went wrong, so I can understand he is being cautious.

I know he trusts me with his life, I'm just really confused over his resistance and would appreciate some advice.

Many thanks

[Wakeup]

His last two girlfriends he lived with went wrong,

He's the common denominator ~ I'd be wanting to know what made those other relationships go south just because he moved in with them.

He's told you what his reluctance is.

[Bettyboo]

From what his friends have said, his two previous girlfriends cheated on him. He can't accept his last girlfriend cheating on him, however his best friend (whose wife is his ex girlfriends sister in law - which I hope makes sense) has said she made a move on her husband. This was seven years ago, but once bitten I suppose.

Am I being selfish? I know he is the one I want a future with, so that's why I am after advice

[Bettyboo]

Cocos - very wise words there - thank you. I'm not one of these girls that has to have the moving in thing. I just feel that it's a natural progression and would like to explore the moving I option. I love coming home to an empty house being able to crash on the couch with no-one to answer to, but I enjoy it more when he is here. So that's what has given me the inspiration to finally want to take the leap. He said he is scared as he has been living I his own for seven years, however he seems to forget I've never lived with a guy before, only friends, so I'm Just as scared

[Wakeup]

Am I being selfish? I know he is the one I want a future with, so that's why I am after advice

You know what you want so, I say "no" you're just trying to make sure you're on the same page. You're not btw, not yet anyway. I doubt he'll be looking to marry you anytime soon either. If he thinks that moving in will ruin things then, a piece of paper decreeing you man and wife isn't going to change that perspective.

Start staying over more and more and have him stay over your place more and more and eventually one of you just won't go home. He needs to ease into this, I'm thinking. Thing is, if his reluctance continues, then you'll either have to just enjoy what you have or leave because he's not on the same page. I think it's important that he knows that you eventually want the relationship to progress.. If he keeps putting it off, well then you have a decision to make.

He may very well come around to your way of thinking but he's not ready just yet. Readdress the subject further on in your relationship is my suggestion.

[Bettyboo]

Hi Wakeup,

I like to think that's what I'm doing. We both know we want to settle down and as cliched as it sounds, grow old together. That's why I am prepared to take my time for us.

The whole marriage thing, well it's not on the top of my list to do. I'd be happy being with him and I don't need a gold band and his name to verify that so I'm happy not having that soon.

You are very right, I'm gradually trying to do the staying over thing and getting into a routine when we do spend time together as I'm conscious at present when we schedule time together, it's very much 'our' time. To me the true test is, is dealing with routine so I a more than keen to do that.

It just frustrates me as it is me that tries to do this. Maybe I should give him chance to try and chase it?

Many thanks for your words.

[Bettyboo]

If anyone else has anymore advice it would be greatly appreciated x