here goes nothing.....
a little about me: i'm a smart guy. most consider me a nerd/geek. I dont think I'm exceptionally good looking, but I'm a cool guy (from what i hear). people tell me im a nice guy. i really do genuinely care about other people. I'm not in bad shape, but i dont have a six pack and shoulders like the hulk (i dont know if it would help, but I'm 5' 11" and weigh 185 pounds).
about her: she's a great girl. genuinely cares about other people, honest, a good friend. and she is BANGIN. i mean she is the hottest thing around and she is constantly being hit on by random strangers. she doesnt know it, and if she does, she is very modest about it.
So I'm in college, I've never been in a relationship and I don't really have many friends. and the ones i do have are not really close to me. so there is this girl, great girl. she was shy and she had never been in a relationship before either. i guess you can call us both "church going goodie-two-shoes". we both became really great friends. and when i say really great friends, i mean it... thats honestly all it was. she was the best friend i have ever had and the only person i have ever trusted.
but then, things got complicated. I started to like her. that didn't change our friendship at first, but then i told her (which, to this day i regret doing). She simply responded saying that she just wants to be friends and she isnt looking for a relationship right now, i responded by saying i respect that. she kind of freaked out for a bit and didnt really talk to me for about a week or so, but then things went back to normal for a bit. we continued being best friends. I always trusted her and she always trusted me, we spent alot of time together because we are in the same classes so we always studied together.
i always reminded her that i liked her though, always calling her beautiful, winking at her, and i would be checking her out. she would see me and ask if i was checking her out and i would say yes, she would just respond by saying "hmm. ok"
then one day we were watching a movie at my house with a bunch of friends, maybe a total of 6 of us? she was sitting next to me and my hand accidentally touched hers, but i didnt move and neither did she so i started holding her hand and stuff, and someone else saw that. movie was over, everyone went home, and the person who saw us holding hands called her out about what they had seen and she was freaking out. that day she admitted to me that she liked me. it was the happiest day of my life, even though she still said that she wasnt ready for a relationship (again, church going goody two shoes) until she graduated.
anyway, we became really close after that. we were still best friends and everything was looking good. but for the next two years, she would go between liking me and not liking me. and then going back and say things like "i do like you but i was scared". i felt like she never made up her mind...
then after a while things got really serious. I got my own apartment so she spent alot of time there. she would come over and we would hang out a lot. then things got a little crazy and we would make out and cuddle a lot. nothing ever got sexual though. this went on for about 5 months or so. keep in mind-she was still my best friend. and she would never fail to remind me that we shouldnt be doing that stuff and we should be anything more than friends, and we never even considered ourselves in a relationship.
but she made it very clear to me that she liked me. and she knew i liked her, and she even said that in the future she would like for us to get married. we even talked about how she wanted to be proposed to, how many kids she wanted, and a bunch of mushy stuff like that. we exchanges a few "i love you"'s and "i love you too"'s and we always were calling each other cute nicknames.
i am pretty sure that i was the happiest man alive. like i mentioned before, I dont think that I am good looking. a guy like me would never had even had a chance at being with a girl like that. educated, smart, kind, funny, and I trusted her which was a big deal to me. and like i said before, she was banging. the whole package, im not a pervert or anything but she is one gorgeous person, and I'm...not.
to be honest i dont even know what happened after that. she just stopped talking to me for a very long time. i would call her and text her and she wouldnt answer, and when she did, it was a short and to the point conversation. i was angry and after a few months i confronted her about it. she pretty much just said that she didnt like me anymore and she never really liked me and she wanted to be friends but she wanted to give me space so i could get over her (that didnt work, just in case you were wondering). we went back to being best friends for about two months and then it went back to not talking to me. its been about two weeks
im honestly really hurt. i know im a guy, and i dont know if i should be this hurt, but i am. this was the first time i had felt that about someone, and the best part was she returned the feelings. but not only was i hurt, i also lost my best friend. i cant sleep, im always thinking about her, im always sad, when i do sleep i dream about her so when i wake up I'm even more depressed. i tried convincing myself that i hated her but that didnt work either.
(by the way, these events took place over a period of almost 5 years)
what do i do? help..... please