she was also my best friend

[thirdofsix]

here goes nothing.....
a little about me: i'm a smart guy. most consider me a nerd/geek. I dont think I'm exceptionally good looking, but I'm a cool guy (from what i hear). people tell me im a nice guy. i really do genuinely care about other people. I'm not in bad shape, but i dont have a six pack and shoulders like the hulk (i dont know if it would help, but I'm 5' 11" and weigh 185 pounds).

about her: she's a great girl. genuinely cares about other people, honest, a good friend. and she is BANGIN. i mean she is the hottest thing around and she is constantly being hit on by random strangers. she doesnt know it, and if she does, she is very modest about it.

So I'm in college, I've never been in a relationship and I don't really have many friends. and the ones i do have are not really close to me. so there is this girl, great girl. she was shy and she had never been in a relationship before either. i guess you can call us both "church going goodie-two-shoes". we both became really great friends. and when i say really great friends, i mean it... thats honestly all it was. she was the best friend i have ever had and the only person i have ever trusted.

but then, things got complicated. I started to like her. that didn't change our friendship at first, but then i told her (which, to this day i regret doing). She simply responded saying that she just wants to be friends and she isnt looking for a relationship right now, i responded by saying i respect that. she kind of freaked out for a bit and didnt really talk to me for about a week or so, but then things went back to normal for a bit. we continued being best friends. I always trusted her and she always trusted me, we spent alot of time together because we are in the same classes so we always studied together.

i always reminded her that i liked her though, always calling her beautiful, winking at her, and i would be checking her out. she would see me and ask if i was checking her out and i would say yes, she would just respond by saying "hmm. ok"

then one day we were watching a movie at my house with a bunch of friends, maybe a total of 6 of us? she was sitting next to me and my hand accidentally touched hers, but i didnt move and neither did she so i started holding her hand and stuff, and someone else saw that. movie was over, everyone went home, and the person who saw us holding hands called her out about what they had seen and she was freaking out. that day she admitted to me that she liked me. it was the happiest day of my life, even though she still said that she wasnt ready for a relationship (again, church going goody two shoes) until she graduated.

anyway, we became really close after that. we were still best friends and everything was looking good. but for the next two years, she would go between liking me and not liking me. and then going back and say things like "i do like you but i was scared". i felt like she never made up her mind...

then after a while things got really serious. I got my own apartment so she spent alot of time there. she would come over and we would hang out a lot. then things got a little crazy and we would make out and cuddle a lot. nothing ever got sexual though. this went on for about 5 months or so. keep in mind-she was still my best friend. and she would never fail to remind me that we shouldnt be doing that stuff and we should be anything more than friends, and we never even considered ourselves in a relationship.

but she made it very clear to me that she liked me. and she knew i liked her, and she even said that in the future she would like for us to get married. we even talked about how she wanted to be proposed to, how many kids she wanted, and a bunch of mushy stuff like that. we exchanges a few "i love you"'s and "i love you too"'s and we always were calling each other cute nicknames.

i am pretty sure that i was the happiest man alive. like i mentioned before, I dont think that I am good looking. a guy like me would never had even had a chance at being with a girl like that. educated, smart, kind, funny, and I trusted her which was a big deal to me. and like i said before, she was banging. the whole package, im not a pervert or anything but she is one gorgeous person, and I'm...not.

to be honest i dont even know what happened after that. she just stopped talking to me for a very long time. i would call her and text her and she wouldnt answer, and when she did, it was a short and to the point conversation. i was angry and after a few months i confronted her about it. she pretty much just said that she didnt like me anymore and she never really liked me and she wanted to be friends but she wanted to give me space so i could get over her (that didnt work, just in case you were wondering). we went back to being best friends for about two months and then it went back to not talking to me. its been about two weeks

im honestly really hurt. i know im a guy, and i dont know if i should be this hurt, but i am. this was the first time i had felt that about someone, and the best part was she returned the feelings. but not only was i hurt, i also lost my best friend. i cant sleep, im always thinking about her, im always sad, when i do sleep i dream about her so when i wake up I'm even more depressed. i tried convincing myself that i hated her but that didnt work either.

(by the way, these events took place over a period of almost 5 years)

what do i do? help..... please

[Little delights]

First off, you should be feeling the way you are. What she did was not ok in any way. From what I read, she is having her cake and eating it too. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but she had everything a relationship would be, without the "relationship" part. She has been using you in a way. If I was in your shoes ( and I strictly mean what I would do) I would confront her and explain exactly what she does not want to hear. How horrible she has been treating you. The way she has been playing with your emotions and feelings. Tell her how much she hurt you, and how she doesn't deserve your friendship. However, I wouldn't let her go yet. It seems you have strong feelings towards her, so act upon those feelings reasonably and logically. Don't give up until you know its over.

I also wanted to say another important thing that I saw in your writing. Don't ever feel that you are not good enough for anyone. You are more then good enough for her man. It doesent matter what you look like or act like because you want to find someone who loves you for who you are, not what they want you to be, or what you "want" to be. I just hate it when people put themselves down for no reason. There is no need for such behavior and it only makes you feel and look unattractive to the opposite sex. Confidence is a major turn on to both woman and men, so learn to not put your self down but rather, be slightly cocky

I hope luck is in your favor for her, she sounds like a wonderful woman who you have shared many experiences with. Don't give up quite yet, but just think about what is the right thing to do, and do it. Good luck and don't be a stranger

Delights

[thirdofsix]

hey Delights, thanks for your response

when I mentioned that i confronted her about the situation, i told her exactly that. I told her how i didnt appreciate the way i was being treated and i certainly did not enjoy being dropped. i was actually in a very tough time in my life and she knew that very well, and i told her i blamed her for not being there when i needed someone to vent to. I told her she was being a crappy friend and i also said that if she didn't want to be friends anymore, that she could tell me straight up and i would respect that. I told her at least i would know that im not chasing some imaginary friendship and so i could stop feeling like an annoying creeper for texting her and calling her.

she cried. she responded with apologies and it really did seem like she meant it, but her actions don't match her claims of friendship. to be completely honest and fair, she does reply sometimes to my texts. but i get short answers and conversations always end with "sorry i have to go" or "im having a bad day and i need to be left alone" or "im falling asleep" or some kind of excuse or another and im tired of it.

and i have had this feeling for some time now that she is becoming a little bit more than friends with another guy. which, i get..... i guess. you move on, you fall in love, whatever. I asked her about it but she says they are just friends, but im pretty sure there is a little more to it than that. i guess i am upset because i know that her and I will never be best friends again. and on top of that, she was everything i have ever wanted in a girl and she made me believe it was a reality, then (not to be dramatic or anything) ripped out my heart and stomped on it and ripped it to pieces. then ran it over with her car.

so maybe there is a chance that her and i will keep in touch. "hi, how are you?" "good and you" "good, ok bye" kind of thing, you know? but as far as anything more than that, i dont see happening at all.

I guess what im looking for is a way to get over this whole situation. but forgetting someone you have loved for 5 years is kind of tough and i have tried everything i know of. i would like for this to work out (obviously) but it is very clear that it will never happen. you think i should keep trying to be friends with her or should i just settle with being one of those "acquaintance friends"?

[Little delights]

Well, you wont be forgetting her. Trying to forget someone you loved never happens. You need to just accept what happened in those past 5 years and move on. Yes, I think being an acquaintance right now is your best bet. Just back of from her and the whole situation. Maybe she will realize what she is missing out on.

[searock]

I just hope that you learned your lesson here. You should have stopped hanging out with her as soon as you came to know that she didn't reciprocate your feelings. You simply can't be friends with someone you have feelings for, if they don't reciprocate. It will only hurt you, in the short and/or long run. Period.

she just stopped talking to me for a very long time. i would call her and text her and she wouldnt answer, and when she did, it was a short and to the point conversation. i was angry and after a few months i confronted her about it. she pretty much just said that she didnt like me anymore and she never really liked me and she wanted to be friends but she wanted to give me space so i could get over her (that didnt work, just in case you were wondering). we went back to being best friends for about two months and then it went back to not talking to me. its been about two weeks

She probably found a guy she's interested in. Or even if she didn't, she finally realized that what she has been doing these past years was wrong. She basically led you on, JUST to keep you around as a friend. Hopefully she will learn from this experience as well... you don't do that to a person you actually care about, you don't lie to them and play with their feelings just to keep them around.

Now she wants you to stop thinking about her, to stop having feelings for her. Basically, she wants you to do what you should have wanted for yourself since a long time.

So, what you should do is to cut contact with her altogether. Don't even reply if she contacts you first. Tell her that you agree with her and you will try to get over her, and to do that you are going to go no contact. Tell her if she changes her mind and wants to go on a date with you, to let you know and you will think about it. Otherwise, no contact.

Also, things like this make no sense:

a guy like me would never had even had a chance at being with a girl like that

As long as you're confident and happy, you'll attract any type of girl (which doesn't mean all girls).

[thirdofsix]

thanks for your responses and your advice. I hope this whole thing passes smoothly.

and from your responses, it seems i need to work on my self esteem a bit. this situation has done a number on me, hopefully thats normal. time for some new friends

[Little delights]

Situations like this will hurt your self esteem. We have all been their and experienced the same feelings you are feeling right now. It will take some time, but its also situations like this that will make you a better person. Learn from this and you will be alot better. Good luck!

[thirdofsix]

Ok so I'm not screaming for attention here, that's not what i want. And I'm not suicidal or anything like that.... but i am starting to understand why people end up killing themselves.

I feel used, hopeless, angry, i can't sleep, I have no appetite, I am always in a bad mood, and i no longer have anyone to vent to because its the same person who screwed me over and threw me away that i used to vent to. I have never in my life actually wanted to cry, but i can't freaking cry! I tried! I don't want to kill myself, but if I got shot today i don't think i would mind at all.

What the hell did i do wrong? There has to be something i did to put myself in this situation and no one has any answers. I did everything right. I moved slow, I made the first move, she was in love, and then it all ended. Ladies: do you see why men are terrified of you?

edit:someone to talk to would be great. my aim username is thatbridgeleaf

[Cerby]

Doing everything "right" is different based on the person. There is no magic formula for a successful relationship beyond being a good person and trying your best. Relationships end, even when people are happy, and this is a simple yet sad reality.

It sucks, you hurt, and then you eventually get over it and move on. Most people in this forum came here because they had a problem similar to yours, and ended up sticking around. Like everyone else, you need to find something to keep you busy until you're in a position to deal with this, and then it gets easier. I don't have aim so I can't chat with you, but I have been through what you're going through more than once, including a female that just stopped talking to me several months into a relationship (and that was the reason I came here almost 2 years ago).

[VincenzoG91]

I bet you wish you could have those five years back. Next time, try using the third date rule.