Waiting or not?

[Bana]

So I've been with this girl for 5 months. It's been amazing. We began our relationship the night we met and just clicked, making little strides along the way. We went "exclusive" officially about 2 1/2 months ago and this week the topics of moving in together/marriage came up. It was the first time we really started talking about the future and our goals seem perfectly in line. I learned that she wants to get married; in fact, due to my awkwardness at how I phrase things sometimes, she thought I was asking her right then and there. She was ready to say yes. I assured her that no, she wouldn't have to ask if that was what I was asking; she'd know when I did, and there'd be a ring.

We both want it, we both feel ready for it. We'd like to find a place together post-engagement. She expressed her position that she must have at least that level of commitment before living together, which is something that I'm fine with (and nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html suggests is better). But, I can't do that due to my current lease for another 6 months or so. It's not practical for her to move in with me, we will need to find a new place together in another area of town. So, that gives me a time-line. At some point in the next 6 months I will propose, and almost certainly she will accept. The question is, when? Sooner or later? She hasn't met my parents yet as they live far away, but she will meet them in early April. Do I owe it to them to wait until they've met before getting engaged? I'm sure they'll love her, and even if they didn't that wouldn't change my mind anyway. Otherwise is there any point to waiting? Is there any need to rush it? Does anyone here have similar experiences to relate which might suggest the appropriate course of action? Thanks!

[basilandthyme]

Bana, it's too fast. At only 5 months in, you're still on that chemical high and you haven't yet started to see the reality of each other. My advice is to wait at least 18 months before proposing marriage. Give it enough time to let the magic settle down and for reality to step in.

[Bana]

So, that's a vote for "wait." ;-) I appreciate your point of view but what I'm seeing is that the engagement period is that trial period. I would want to live together for at least a year and a half, probably closer to 2, before tying the knot. We already know that our goals are in line, that we have great chemistry, etc. There seems to be little reason, to me, not to move onto the next phase. For what it is worth, we are not young (both of us in the area of 30-35) and we have both been through serious relationships (and serious heartbreak) in the past. We know what's at stake.

[Cerby]

So, that's a vote for "wait." ;-) I appreciate your point of view but what I'm seeing is that the engagement period is that trial period. I would want to live together for at least a year and a half, probably closer to 2, before tying the knot. We already know that our goals are in line, that we have great chemistry, etc. There seems to be little reason, to me, not to move onto the next phase. For what it is worth, we are not young (both of us in the area of 30-35) and we have both been through serious relationships (and serious heartbreak) in the past. We know what's at stake.

With this level of experience you should both know what an appropriate timeline is. 5 months is too soon to talk engagement in any relationship, you barely know each other. Yes, your goals are in line, but almost everyones relationship goals are in line if you try hard enough to make them that way. We have so many people come here and post about how they've been with someone around a year, they were engaged and talking about houses and kids and then all of a sudden it fell away. It takes at least that long to realize what you REALLY want with someone. Once all the early butterfly emotions pass, that is when you start thinking about the future.

Based on your last post I have a feeling you're only here for validation on what you already want, and not actual opinions. But for what its worth, I also say "wait", so thats 2-0 from the forum.

[Bana]

You're probably right about my seeking validation. Yes, I probably want someone to tell me it's OK and just do it. ;-) But, human psychology is a tricky thing. I felt like I came here with honest intentions.

I'm also thinking of logistics. If I don't move out of my current place when the lease is up in 6 months, I'll be locked in for another year (I won't pay the month-to-month premium) and I don't want to wait that long to see if we can live together. If we can't, I need to find out sooner than later. Time's a wastin.

Maybe there's a more interesting question here about engagement. My prior point of view was that a couple would date for a while, go exclusive, later on live together, then they'd get engaged and the wedding would be as soon as it could be coordinated (which could take some time). In more conservative times, a couple would date, go exclusive, get engaged, get married, THEN move in together. That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Does it make much difference if instead the engagement is made with the plan that it should last for a minimum amount of time (as I said, I want at least a year and a half; advice given to me long ago) and that it comes before living together? How do you feel about a couple moving in together after about 1 year, sans engagement?

[Cerby]

I think co-habitation is the first move prior to engagement, some here will disagree though. I live with my gf, moved in together 14 months into our relationship with no plans of an official engagement. So I agree with your order of operations, just not the timelines you have in place for doing so. It sounds like you want to rush moving in together because your lease is coming up and you don't want to sign in for another year. So why not compromise here a bit, you have 6 months left, wait 4 more, then ask her if she wants to move in together. That brings you up to 9 months together, a much more reasonable amount of time before the "moving in" consideration.

That is the best advice I can give you that still falls in line with what you want.

[Wakeup]

I agree with Cerby except I think If you wait until you're ready to move in together in six months, that will give you six more months to get to know her. There is no hurry to spend the money on a ring or to ask her to marry you. If she's the girl for you, six more months won't hurt... it can only help you to cement in your mind that you're both making the right decision when you give yourselves the extra time to learn more about one another.

As for your parents (and hers, you don't mention anything about hers) Only you know how your parents will react about you either bringing home a girl you're getting to know and love or a girl you're engaged to. Us, we knew our son-in-law for a few years before our daughter accepted his proposal.

I'll add that the hubby and I lived together for three years after a three year exclusive dating term (after two years he proposed and surprised me with a ring) and then we got married.

... You guys are currently still experiencing new relationship energy,also known as the honeymoon period. I've always cautioned people to avoid moving in with one another during the honeymoon period. Best time to move in is after that period when you know you still love one another warts and all.

[Fruitsss]

wtf u both are tooooooooo much desperate to jump in something u dont even know about.
u also dont even know each other.

stop doing crap. take time get to know each other, marriage is no joke. or for fun.

i think u both dont know what u r doing. u hearth about something named marriage and u want to try it out.
stop! go read books what marriage is about. and take time to at least to know if she have no herpes.

[basilandthyme]

For what it's worth, my hubby and I moved in together when we'd only been together for about 4 months. And we're still together 20 years later.

Though we didn't get officially married - we couldn't really see the point when we already had the life of a married couple (and legal recognition)