So it's now been one year, two months and 13 days since my wife left me forever. As it stands right now her new boyfriend, whom she has only been dating four months, proposed marriage to her on Christmas Day. A man who has two good jobs, owns a home and is capable of affording all the amenities of middle class life without care. A man who is able to pay for everything she could possibly ever need in life and thus be the man for her that I never could be. So while I sit here miserable, lonely and hoping to smoke myself into stage 4 cancer by tomorrow she's out happier with her life than she has ever been before. Happy that she has a "better" man and that she is now living the life she feels she deserves.
Just the thought of her happiness fills me with an immeasurable amount of anger. I am still in love with her. She destroyed my life and all my dreams of happiness but I still love her and I am still waiting. I am not even trying to wait. I have attempted to form relationships with several women this year but when it comes time to be intimate all those latent feelings about my relationship with my former wife creep up and ruin everything. Just a month ago it happened again and after that I came to the conclusion I truly can never date again. Being so financially destitute and so boring all am able to attract are desperate/ugly/obese women. You know, the kind of woman who knows she can never attract a successful and financially stable man so they take whatever comes their way.
My former wife was my last chance at happiness. In spite of my low paying job, in spite of my lack of interesting hobbies or conversation and in spite of my less than appealing looks she still fell in love with me and still wanted to marry me. But because I never realized how fine a line I was toeing I never hung on tight enough and I lost her. How could I ever find that again? She was, quite literally, the best I could ever get considering my financial situation and all others that might have any interest in me have all been inferior and unless I hit the lottery tomorrow the desperate/ugly/obese are all I will ever be able to get and I refuse to settle on that. I will not be "the next best thing".
So here I am, over a year into being single and still as terribly miserable as I was the day she packed her things and left me. And whether I like it or not I am still waiting for her to come to her senses and return to fill the empty void in my soul that she created when she got that wild hair up her ass that I was suddenly not good enough for her when for so long I was. I had decided back then she was the only one for me. She was the first woman who ever loved me and because of that it proved she was the only one who ever could. If she wasn't the only one who ever could then surely there would have been a woman before her. But there never was. She was the first and now, whether I like it or not, she is the last.