How Do I Cope?

[err1122]

Well, this is honestly my first posting on any online forum. I'm having trouble coping with the loss of a 4 year relationship. Before the relationship started, we were the best of friends. Always wanted to talk, hang out, etc. I gave hints of wanting to date him, but he's the shy type. I knew he liked me as I heard from other people that he wanted to ask me out. He got very angry when I started seeing someone, and started to drift apart. Eventually I faced him and asked if he wanted to go out....and we've been together for 4 years..until this past October. We started having problems in terms of me being insecure with his new friends because I felt he'd rather go out with them then spend time with me. He admitted to me that at times, "he would prefer to hang out with them because they're more fun". Through it all though, he would talk about getting me a Tiffany's engagement ring, and getting married, in a very general sense.

This past summer, he met a new guy friend at work. They became friends very quickly (in a matter of 4-5 months), but in a very weird way. They would sleep in the same bed, share clothing, say they would miss each other if they were apart. It really freaked me out, but my boyfriend at the time seemed happy, and I didn't want to ruin anything. He broke up with me in late October because "he needed his independence". He told me we were more like friends than anything anymore.

Up until a few days ago, we were up to 5 weeks of no contact. He started to pull away from our mutual friends, but I would hear things like "I'm not saying we're getting back together, but it wouldn't be a surprise if were to". The last time we talked I asked if there was a chance to get back together and he said maybe. I asked if he would date anyone, and he said no, i'm not even thinking about that.

My world was once again turned upside down once again as of yesterday. I found out he is in a relationship with this new guy friend of his. I'm floored. There are so many questions I have. I'm angry and hurt. Supposedly he knew he liked guys since high school. I knew he was bi, but from what he told me, he "preferred girls" and "wouldn't do anything with a guy". The thing that gets me is that he wants to be friends still. He tells friends that he misses his best friend, me. Not sure if I can handle that. I'm still very much in love with him. As of yesterday, I feel my dreams of reconciliation are dropped. Not only because he's seeing someone within weeks after our break up of our 4 year relationship, but because he hasn't had to guts to tell me any of this. I could maybe eventually be friends if he just told me flat out, but if he's deceiving me to this day, why would I want a "friend" like that. I'm sick. I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm lost.

How do I begin to process this? How do I cope with this situation? What do I say to him when I see him? What questions should I ask him?

Also, do you think he's going through some "phase"? Not sure what to make of all these words/actions of the past few months.

[DerekDrake]

First thing's first, Merry Christmas.

I feel sad that you have to say all that on Xmas. You should be together with him right now as any other previous Christmas. But it seems you two wants different things.

You gotta process it right away. Seperate the facts and rumors. Repeat the past if you have any pact or promises. Like, how he was so shy and acted angry when you see other people and now how would he thinks you feel. In a relationship, one must be forgiving or else it just gets worse. I've seen some people reconcile after situation like that because they stated the breakup as "need independence". I've even seen it happened on this forum. If you still love him you will patiently waiting and when you're no longer so, you'll know it. I'm saying just say and act what you've been saying and acting in the past 4 years. The different at this time is to give him some boundary.

Yes, I do think he may going through some phase.

[err1122]

Thank you. Merry Christmas to you, too. Although I can't say I'm in the holiday spirit.

Thanks for the advice. I'm just so confused. I don't know how to let go of him, considering months ago we talked about getting married. In fact, he asked the guy he is with now if he would be his best man at our wedding..... (i'm so confused by this)

The thing is I no longer trust anything my ex has said recently. It's hard for me to decipher what is real/the truth from what's not. I'm afraid he'll go forward with this relationship, but want me around as a friend. But, in order to keep my sanity, I can't do it. I never liked the guy he is with from the beginning. I think he's very manipulative. (The guy hit on me twice....) I will not and cannot support it. I'm not sure I can forgive this.

[DerekDrake]

You can tell your ex how you feel about the guy he's with, truthfully. That you're not comfortable around him and you don't expect to believe anything he said. It may sounds catty and jealous. Still, he knows you for 4 years, he should know better.

I would not forgive, too. All those years building a bond then broken by "independence" doesn't sound good to me. I'd want to hear that 4 years ago and declare we were in a "casual relationship". OK, it might be a miscommunication but not downright so.

Was about to suggest to find a friend to talk to about it. But I delete it 'cause it's sooo general.

I sing when I'm heart-broken. Unbreak my heart by Toni Braxton. Same song everytime. Even better when someone sings it for me!

[err1122]

I have a lot of questions for him. Do you think it's appropriate to write those down and when the time comes, meet with him face to face to try to get these answers. Many of the relate to the timeline of events (when did the relationship between the two of you start? was it still when we were together? did you have any idea that you liked guys more than you said you did, and if so, why didn't you tell me?)

I really feel I deserve answers. At least that.

[DerekDrake]

Oh you don't need to write those down. You already remembered it. Just ask him does he wants to tell you about it.

[err1122]

The whole thing is he doesnt know I know about his new relationship. But, i feel in order for me to attempt to be at peace, I need a closure with truthful answers. I feel selfish for cutting all ties for good with him, but I can't keep them going because it'll be torture for me. I need to say goodbye forever. And that will honestly be the hardest thing I'll have to do in my life.

[basilandthyme]

i feel in order for me to attempt to be at peace, I need a closure with truthful answers. I feel selfish for cutting all ties for good with him

First, how do you know he'll be truthful in his answers to your questions? I think he's more likely to try and avoid telling you the whole truth of what happened. My suggestion is to just cut all ties and just avoid speaking to him again. Closure is something you can give yourself - it's simply about acceptance.

Second, what is selfish about cutting all ties to him? If he wanted to ensure that you stayed part of his life, he wouldn't have ended things....or been sleeping with the other guy. Besides, what's so bad about looking after your own needs?

[DepressedSad]

Wow, I'm really sorry you're going throught this. Even if he is just going through a phase, you don't have to be waiting for him to come out of it. and, even if he says he misses you to other people etc.. it kind of means nothing if he hasn't got the guts to say this to YOU himself. I know that sounds harsh, but this is kind of what I am dealing with in a way too. I know this jerk I've been involved with, does care about me on some level, but he can't ever tell me, it's only what I can infer, and what I can infer is not the same as him saying these words to me directly, so it is in essence, like having nothing. Honestly, if I were you, I would cut off all contact with this guy. I know it is easier said than done, and the grieving process is going to be hell for you, but in the end, that is the best thing you can do for yourself. You deserve better.

[err1122]

I just am in shock. I'm trying to not be so judgmental, but apart of me is hurt beyond belief. He was the only one in life that I fully trusted and he's the last person I ever thought that would be dishonest with me. I don't have any trust left for him. It's like the person I'd known for four years didn't even exist. The thing is I told him I couldn't contact him because it was too painful, but I told him if he ever needed to tell me anything, he could contact me whenever. I feel this is one of those situations and I deserve answers.

[err1122]

So i got more information today. Apparently, this friend of his was telling my ex he loved him and was "falling in love with him" when my ex and I were still together. My ex said that he couldn't leave me, but this friend of his kept at it. This makes me wonder.....

[VincenzoG91]

The gender thing is not all that important to your situation except in one crucial respect: you might not be his type, and there is no way that you ever will be. In times past, he would have been the kind of guy who did all the normal things like get married and have kids, and then also sneak around hooking up with dudes. Times have changed and homosexuality is rapidly approaching mainstream acceptance, so there is less reason for people to pose as heterosexual.

Anyway, the important thing is that your ex fell in love with somebody else and left you. It isn't your fault, but it happened, and you need to accept that fact and move on with your life. Don't obsess over the details, because the important stuff is simple. He is gone, and chasing after him will only increase your unhappiness.

[chenderson325]

Being bi isn't a phase. I say cut your losses. It sounds like he is just going to mess with your mind some more if you get involved with him again. Try not to be hung up on the other person being a man. It doesn't make any difference, really.