I Really Wish I Could Cope

[ChristianonLI]

Several days ago I posted my story of heartbreak. I got a number of informative replies, thank you all.

But it's not getting easier. In fact, it's getting harder every day. Maintaining no contact has been absolutely impossible and after a few days I just end up reaching out to her saying the same old tired apologies and groveling six ways to Sunday to try and get her back. Of course, all it does is push her away more and declare how over the marriage is.

I am completely incapable of coping. All I see is her face every minute of every day. All I can think about is our 2 year relationship. My mind does nothing but replay every minute of our wedding day over and over again. We got married in July and she's already gone! She started checking out of the marriage after 30 days because I wasn't mature enough for her. Getting suspicious of her distancing as signs of infidelity certainly didn't help. I'm so miserably lonely.

More than anything I desire some form of intimate, loving companionship. I always have, it's what I need to validate my own existence and my worth in this world. She provided that for me, and for 2 years I felt like a normal person. But now I'm back to being the ugly, miserable and lonely loser I've always been. I've joined numerous dating websites in the last few weeks but I have gotten no hits whatsoever. Nobody out there wants me.

And that really hurts. My wife wanted to be with me once. For a time she wanted to bear my children and grow old with me. She wanted nothing more than to be at my side and love me for the rest of time. But I f***ed that up! I was a thickheaded idiot who didn't understand her feelings and then I drove her away and now, no matter how MUCH I pour my heart out to her, she refuses to come back.

"It's too late, it's over. It can never be the same," she says.

How the Hell do I possibly deal with that? Why SHOULD I have to deal with that? I don't understand. I have spent a month trying to win her back, only to get that same response. I have reached out to members of her family, some of her friends, nearly all of whom have flat out ignored me.

I don't want to try to date someone new. I absolutely do not want to have to start all over again. I was at the pinnacle of relationship happiness but she gave up on me. After 30 days!

I need her back right now. I need to know the magic words that will bring her back to me ASAP before I go and do something stupid like start paying for black magic love spells online. I'm very nearly to that point, people. Everything else I've tried hasn't worked, and the most sure-fire first step to getting her back (weeks of no contact) I do not have the patience or the willpower for. I'm afraid if I leave her alone and go on with my life she will be relieved I'm finally gone and accelerate the divorce process.

I never loved another woman like I love my wife. I hung onto her all these years not because I was afraid of never being loved by another woman, I was afraid of myself not being able to love another. People have a tendency to annoy me. I don't like very many nor can I stand to be around most. But this woman...she's something special. She's something completely different. I loved being around her. Every minute of it. Her face, her smile, her laugh, her sarcasm, everything. She was magical.

I've told her all this. I've told her everything about how I feel for a month and how much she means to me, how special she is to me and how much better she made my life. NONE of it has any effect on her. NONE of it changes how she feels. It's over, it's too late, it can never be the same, that's all I ever get.

Does this even make sense? WHAT DO I DO???

[lhn]

ChristianonLi I really really don't know what to say. Thinking back about 3 months I was exactly the same. In every way. She wasn't my wife but nontheless I loved her so much I didn't think it possible for things to end. I did exactly what you are/have done and nothing worked.
No matter what people say or tell u to do (no contact for example) you simply love the person too much to not do anything. You sit there day after day, hour after hour thinking of nothing bu them. Everything to do with them. Its all just so fresh in your mind and you just want a big fat rewind button to take u back a month to change things.

It's absolutely and completely the worst thing you have ever had to experience hands down. Death probably sounds better than the sorry state that you're in.

I know even before u reply you will agree and relate to all the above. Things do get easier.

If I've learnt one thing from my own experience its this: you don't EVER stop wishing it had worked out differently. You really really dont and even now I still think about things. What does happen though is you start to stop yourself from thinking about things too much. You have to and you will.

Your only chance is to leave her alone. That is your one option. Thats it. There are no other avenues of hope; nothing u can say to her to make her change her mind; nothing u can remind her of to make her realise it was great. You have to hope and pray she wants u back and approaches you.

At the moment you appear as a sniffling wreck. You're not what she found attractive to begin with. You're not that same person.

Remember what it was like to feel normal and strive for that. Appear as that, even if its not real. She wont come back if she doesnt find you attractive.

I feel for you bigtime. Its horrid. I was there and know the feelings. Keep coming on here. It helped me a lot.