Thanks for taking the time to read this. I still don't have the courage to say all this to him, because it will sound dramatic...but I really need to do something about myself.
We've been together for 5 years, and although I knew there were a lot of things wrong with me, I didn't realize I was acting so foolish and childish. I almost think we're at a point of no return, although I really want to stabilize things, because I love him dearly.
I was (and still am) really insecure when I met him. He was all that I've ever wanted - smart, sexy, independent. But it seemed I barely covered his standards for a girlfriend and I often wondered why he's with me. We had a lot, really a lot of problems, mainly revolving around me. The most recent was my bad behavior - I'm really impulsive and my mood completely depends on what he's saying to me - meaning that when he annoys me or offends me, I become this snappy, bitchy person that I hate. I just couldn't control it. I felt so weak, so vulnerable, that my only stupid reaction was to snap back, while he always kept his dignity and smile. I hate myself for this, though I keep doing it do this day. I know they say "You are responsible for your feelings", but it seems I haven't matured enough to do this. I want to!
So, this has affected our relationship greatly. He's more distant now, he's witholding emotion towards me, which makes me even worse. I feel unappreciated. I try and try to be better, to show love, but when my efforts are unappreciated, I just become angry. He probably hates me for it.
I want to change, people. I just want to eradicate this negativity and snappiness. If he wants to break up with me when I'm nice - so be it. But I don't want to become that damn b!tch at the drop of a hat, because I can really be a very loving person, when I feel secure. I want to control my emotions no matter what!
Please help