Does he really want marriage or am I being foolish?

[Love909]

Soooo
I met a guy 2 years ago- had that instant connection and started a long distance relationship (about 3 hours by plane)

He's 12 years older than me (I'm in my late 20s) and I love him to death. He's wonderful, affectionate, loyal, etc., and we immediately began talking marriage early in our courtship. We both insisted this was what we were looking for in our lives and even after 6 months of dating he said he'd like to get married "soon."

So another year and a half go by and I'm still not seeing any "soon." We frequently talk about marriage, but nothing materializes (even though he knows I'd like to get married now) and I end up getting frustrated with him. He explains that 2 years is not a long time getting to know someone, especially for something as serious as marriage. I say we know each other well enough to decide whether to get married. Neither of us believe in divorce.

When we first met he immediately introduced me to all his family and close friends, but now when I visit him I hardly see them anymore. He says this is because he wants to spend more alone time with me.

The thing is my life is on hold right now. I am looking to get a graduate degree and am torn between staying in my town and moving to his. I was ready and willing to move where he is but it ended up being too expensive and the job market is horrible right now. He just says "I support you in what you choose" but he's not pushing me to be with him, and is satisfied with our long distance relationship. I, on the other hand, am not. If we are going to be together, we should do it. That's what I say. I'm tired of planes and goodbyes. When I bring that up with him, he agrees, but says he wants what's best for me and if that is going to school in my home state, then he is ok with it. He doesn't want to be at all responsible for my unhappiness for living where he is. Thing is, I'm unhappy being without him.

Question: Do I stay where I am, go to school here, not worrying about when this getting married "soon" will be? School will be a 2 year commitment still away from my man.

Or...do I take my chance and go to him?

Am I being a fool waiting for a proposal before making plans in my life?

And...Do men want an independent woman? Is that a more appealing wife than one that's ready and willing to leave her own plans for him? It seems that a woman that can live without her man is more attractive to a man (at least that's what I have been reading).

I've never had any trouble attracting guys, and I don't want to waste all my 20something beauty and youthful energy on someone who will eventually not commit. But all the advice I have seen on non-committal guys are ones that say "if he avoids talk of marriage" or "if he doesn't say he loves you" or "if he doesn't bring you around his family" all of which...he has done.

help! I need a guy's perspective. My boyfriend is a very "guy's guy"- lots of guy friends, loves football, works a lot. But he's loyal, respectable, and religious. I'm a girl who has thought of marriage her whole life, wants kids, and think I can stop being so moody and upset around him if I just can make a plan for my life.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Honestly, I scanned through this post so I might say something different from the topic tbh.

I personally believe you are only going to push him away if you keep nagging him about getting married now. You're young, why rush? What you need to be concerned about right now is your education. After you're through with that, then you can work on moving closer and building your relationship with this guy.

Personally, I think the age gap is huge, and I feel you guys are both at different times in your lives. You're in college, he's most likely working or at least I'd hoped so), etc. I just think if you really want it to work you guys should slow down. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment...what's the rush hun?

I personally would not mind being engaged. Maybe you can mention being engaged until you both are ready emotionally,mentally,and physically to be officially married. There's no time frame on how long to be engaged.

Plus, you've never lived with the guy. You should learn more about his living arrangements and what kind of person he is and see if it is something you wouldnt mind dealing with.

Now, I dont know if thats something you'd agree with, but that's what I would do personally if I were to get married. I'd want to live with the person and be engaged for a good while and THEN if we are comfortable with one another through thick and thin, we can take it to the next level.

Hope this helps

[ransom_nite]

this story sounds awfully familiar to my sisters situation a while back, except the distance was only 5 hours by car. anywho she went with her heart and chose to go live with him, got a really good high paying job, got engaged and are now happily married although education is very important you only live once right? you can go back to your education whenever you want. If you really love this guy and want to spend the rest of your life with him i rekon you should take the plunge and go with your heart.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Well when she takes the plunge and it turns sour she better pm you with her problems.

No matter what, education comes first. It's not like he is complaining about the distance. He obviously has no problem with her finishing her education and if he did then he's obviously not worth it. Plus, she stated the job market is horrible right now, so she just may not be as lucky as your sister.

I'm sticking to what I said, cuz he cant provide a degree for you. This may sound blunt, but the only necessity from a man is some dick, that is it.

I think you would more regret moving than staying and finishing your education, but hey thats just me. I gave my two cents, so all I can really tell you is to make the smart decision, not the more tempting decision.

[Charlie Boy II]

The guy doesn't sound at all interested in marrying you. If that's what you're looking for I wouldn't waste any more time with him, or you'll be in the same position in another two years (into your early thirties) and then in another two years etc

[Love909]

Thanks Ladie and Ransom...

ladie: I know if seems rushing...and it really does feel like rushing when I talk about it. But at the same time, we've done so much together- I've been there 2, 3 weeks at a time, staying with him..I know his habits, his likes/dislikes, goals in life, his communication style, his family style...etc. I really don't feel comfortable moving in w/him unless I have a promise.

It's just that the degree will take 2 years and I don't know if I can wait THAT long. Seeing each other once a month for a couple of days is not enough for me.

And the whole sex thing? We're not having it until marriage...he's very adamant about that, even more than me. Which makes me all the more frustrated about waiting 2 more years to get married.

I don't think it would be wise to go there and live off my savings without a job or at least some help from him (he's pretty well off). But then again, it's sticky to say "support me."

thanks for your comments, would love more!

[ransom_nite]

Well when she takes the plunge and it turns sour she better pm you with her problems.

No matter what, education comes first. It's not like he is complaining about the distance. He obviously has no problem with her finishing her education and if he did then he's obviously not worth it. Plus, she stated the job market is horrible right now, so she just may not be as lucky as your sister.

I'm sticking to what I said, cuz he cant provide a degree for you. This may sound blunt, but the only necessity from a man is some dick, that is it.

I think you would more regret moving than staying and finishing your education, but hey thats just me. I gave my two cents, so all I can really tell you is to make the smart decision, not the more tempting decision.

yeahh he wasnt concerned about the distance but she said she's sick of it and whose to say she doesnt go through with getting her degree anyway? and of course education is imoprtant i wasnt saying it isnt but if she is serious bout this guy why not test the water and go live with him, if it looks like its turning sour than at least you can say you tried and go back and finish your education if thats what you wanna do.

anywho thats what i would do, each to their own

[Love909]

The guy doesn't sound at all interested in marrying you. If that's what you're looking for I wouldn't waste any more time with him, or you'll be in the same position in another two years (into your early thirties) and then in another two years etc

Charlie Boy how do you come to this conclusion? I would think it pretttttty darn mean to tell me he wants to marry me and then never do it- what kind of man would do that?? seems almost an evil thing to do and from what I've seen of him he has always kept his promises.

[Charlie Boy II]

I come to this conclusion because it's pretty classic stalling behaviour. He cares about you enough to want to keep you in his life, but not enough to make a life-long commitment. So he talks and thinks in vague terms.

It's not malicious, he may not even be aware he's doing it.

[Love909]

I come to this conclusion because it's pretty classic stalling behaviour. He cares about you enough to want to keep you in his life, but not enough to make a life-long commitment. So he talks and thinks in vague terms.

It's not malicious, he may not even be aware he's doing it.

So, do you think it would be right to conclude that if I really loved him I would need to detach myself from marrying him, and succumb to the fact that we may never get married, and be ok with it bc we love spending time with each other? Just enjoy it as it is and if another guy comes along that is just as compatible and ready to marry go with him? Just have no expectations of my man... and disregard everything he's claimed he wants with me?

[Charlie Boy II]

It sounds like he's talked about marriage in the initial rush of the relationship and then gone very quiet on the subject. Is that right? I wouldn't hang on to a two year old sentiment.

In your case, I would actually recommend giving him an ultimatum: tell him you want marriage, or concrete steps towards marriage, or you want the relationship to end. Because if he isn't ready for that he needs to give you the time to find somebody who is. There's nothing wrong with that.

You're right to be apprehensive about wasting the twilight of your twenties drifting along in something that isn't actually going anywhere.

[Dasein]

So from what you have described this guy is in his late 30's..yes? And he doesn't want to sleep with you? Is he a virgin or has he been married/divorced before?

A ot of men in this age bracket usually have had a major relationship intheir life. Do you know any of his history? This info might help.

[Love909]

Never had a serious relationship- I'm the first person he's said he loves. Never been married. We both wanna keep sex for marriage.

And it's not that it's a 2 year old sentiment, that's what gets me. When we talk about getting married he's still like "oh yah...of course...soon. But I will wait for you if you wanna go to school."

so confusing...
ARGHH!!

[Dasein]

It seems rather odd to me that a guy in his late 30's has never had a serious relationship before.

Anyway I digress. Don't put all of your hope in this guy. He isn't making any firm plans with you and he sounds vague.

It wouldn't do any harm in having the "talk". The one about expectations in a relationship. It it not nagging to ask someone about their intentions in a relationship. You have every right to ask. Also don't let him answer with vague expressions. What if you never find out and he keeps stringing you along for years. That is not fair especially if you could have used that time to find someone who wants a future.

Most importantly continue your education. It is so much harder to go back and study as an older student than while you are young.

[lesa]

You are not giving him that 'wow' factor he needs to go to that next step. He is waiting for that feeling but he may never get it but is hoping. It's not your fault. The connection is not high enough for you two (at this time).