Abrupt Break Up When I Was Due To Fly and See Him

[marimo]

Hi everyone and a Happy New Year (kinda),

I'm particularly interested in guys' POVs on this matter.

A year ago I met my current ex through Facebook. One day I just got a friend request from this complete stranger. He looked interesting and so I started talking to him. He was at uni doing his post-grad studies, and he was just about to go abroad to a huge recruitment drive, which would see him hired back in his own country. I was really interested in him so I kept talking to him and offering him support throughout his challenging times. Then when he got back a few weeks later, I said I wanted to meet him, and so we did. He seemed like my dream come true, we started getting on very well and then eventually started living together 2 months or so later. I met his friends, and his sister, and everything was wonderful. We were both at uni. I used to take care of his flat and him, and he used to look after me financially somewhat. It was the happiest time of my life. It kinda felt like we were married. We had so many things in common and we had a powerful bond. All the while I knew he would have to go back to his country and start working but tried not too think of it too much. We had an amazing 6-7 months together and then he left to start his new life and very demanding job.

Now, I'm not the type of girl to pressure a guy in any way so I never asked him for marriage or anything like that, but sometimes he'd say things like, well looks like I'm gonna have to import you sometime. I guess that gave me hope. He would always say all these things which gave me hope but then at other times he would say the opposite, kinda mixed messages. He was always a worrier, and always feared the future. He had huge pressure from his nearly 16-hour job, family pressure from his father, and a new social life, and adjustment to a new country.

We did long-distance for 5 months. He was so busy with work that we'd only speak once a week sometimes. I was ok with that because I knew I love him so I could wait forever for him. Of course it was super hard for me because I always tried to give him his own space and everything, but of course I was always not the top priority. I always gave everything I had for him, and his best friend even said you'd never find someone else better than her ever because she's amazing. And he said he knew that, and that I'm such a good girl and so selfless. I was due to see him on the 1st but I was moody and said some bad things to him (I appeared unhappy) around the 26th, when he finally had a holiday and was having a nice time with his best friend. (Which he had booked for us too when I was due to come over and see him.) I was stressed and in a bad mood and said something I didn't really mean and then it all changed. He suggested we break up because I was taking my frustrations out on him and that I was too high-maintenance (even though I always put myself last and let him have his own life) He said he just wants to be alone from now on and have total freedom. The flight was cancelled in the end and of course I didn't go...He said I was such a nice girl and that he never had a gf like me before, but he had a new life and just wanted to be free. He said he didn't feel much anymore because we'd been apart for 5 months (even though he was still saying nice things to me and seemed excited to see me) even though I never once not thought about him and I could of gone on like that forever and waited for him until he was free enough. I still love him very much, of course the wound is fresh but he said we'd always be friends. He said if I did come to move to his country we would still be friends coz of his work. I can't give up hope that we'll be together again one day. I asked him about that and he said, maybe, when I'm a better man. I just can't believe how abruptly things ended. The holiday was planned and he seemed happy, and then all of a sudden BAM.

I'd like some advice on the situation, what comes to mind when you hear this story, and if you can't understand something then let me know and I'll clarify.

Thank you,

M

[basilandthyme]

I can't speak for him...if someone got mad at me and said stuff they don't mean, it would be an automatic dealbreaker. Not only because they can't control their mouth, but because I'd always suspect that they *did* mean what they said.

Please don't set too much faith in remaining friends. It's a standard breakup line and means little.

It's time to let him go and find someone local.

[marimo]

I can't speak for him...if someone got mad at me and said stuff they don't mean, it would be an automatic dealbreaker. Not only because they can't control their mouth, but because I'd always suspect that they *did* mean what they said.

Please don't set too much faith in remaining friends. It's a standard breakup line and means little.

It's time to let him go and find someone local.

But it's not like he never said bad things to me you know. I always just tried to look past it, and keep going forward. He was mean sometimes too. I was always trying to be positive for 5 months, but I guess you can't be so strong forever. I guess if someone really loves you, they'd accept everything you're going through and not expect you to be happy all the time. And not freak out if you show that side of you.

[chenderson325]

I agree, I think he was overreacting--but I think he may be using it as an excuse to break up. If he broke up with you, you have to accept it. What else can you do?

[marimo]

I agree, I think he was overreacting--but I think he may be using it as an excuse to break up. If he broke up with you, you have to accept it. What else can you do?

Yeah, I'm trying really hard but it's so hard when it happened so damn fast, when we were chatting happily one day and the other, it was over. He had a booked a holiday for us and everything, bought all the gear etc... I just don't get why he kept being nice, and giving me hope, and then switch like that. I'll never understand. *sigh*

[marimo]

If I didn't still love him so much of course it would be easier. How can you kill your feeling of love? I really don't want it any more if it's wasted on him.

[marimo]

He actually spoke to me today, and we spoke like two friends. It made me feel better, because I do care about him, so it was nice that we had a little chat. It kinda put my heart at ease a bit.