Confusing and abrupt ending to a promising relationship?

[ConfusedAlex]

Hi there,

First post, I'm keen to get some advice. I apologise for the length of the post in advance, and I encourage you to read it and post your advice and opinions on this; its because I'm so clueless as to the cause of this situation that I feel compelled to seek some fresh eyes that may allow me to derive some understanding and gain some insight from these events.

Probably best to start off by pointing out that I'm gay. I couldn't see anything in the FAQ about whether this is a forum for heterosexual relationships only; please feel free to tell me if this is the case and I can delete the post. However, I also really value the opinion of heterosexual men too. I strongly believe that the natural biological differences between men and women make heterosexual and homosexual relationships totally different in their dynamic and the way the partners interact (I've experienced both), and I feel straight men might have some understanding about what occurred.

A little bit about myself to give some context. I'm 24 years old, and gay. I live in Sydney in the CBD (the centre, like lower and midtown Manhattan is to New York). I grew up in Sydney, come from a loving and supporting upper-middle class family, albeit with divorced and remarried parents. I went to a private school, and though I had some difficulty as a teenager, rebelling against authority, and generally acting up, I finished my final exams with acceptable scores.

The advice I'm really seeking is some insight into a short relationship I had that finished about 2 months ago. I met a Canadian guy, a permanent resident over here. We met on a dating/hookup website. I know this might be perceived as unseemly by some, but when heterosexuals outnumber gay people so substantially, and you're not greatly keen on the gay scene in this city, it is very rare to meet single gay guys in regular social or professional situations, rarer still to meet someone where there is mutual attraction, so these websites do have some value in my opinion. This is even the case for someone who lives in probably the most cosmopolitan and gay oriented locale in Australia, as I do.

When we first started chatting online and then on msn, we were immediately attracted to each other, though our discussions were more oriented to possible intimate liasons, rather than dates and a possible relationship. We organised to meet at a bar in the city after work and get some dinner together at one of the Japanese restaurants neaby (he lives in the CBD too), so we could meet and get to know each other better. That first night we met, we hit it off immediately. He worked for a large multinational doing IT work, though our companies had quite a few business dealings together, so we talked shop for a while, before the conversation turned to everything else imaginable. We found the bar closing, 6 hours had gone by and we were totally enraptured by each other's company, intellect, and there was a strong physical attraction.

We didn't go home together, we both had work he next day, so we gave each other a hug and said our goodnights, and made our way to our home, though we both sent texts to say what a wonderful time we had and emphasising how keen we were to hang out again soon. We met a few nights later after work, so we got some Korean and some saki, and a DVD, and we went to his place. The time we spent together was wonderful; after some dinner, we talked about our backgrounds, our families, our upbringing, and we were physically intimate that night. I know forum rules are clear in their prohibition of obscene or overtly sexual descriptions, so I'll just say that what we did seemed so natural and wholesome, and our nights together had been so gratifying in every way, that it filled with me with confidence, anticipation, and a host of other feelings encompassing excitement, desire and strong attraction.

We started seeing each other about 2 - 3 times a week. We would go to movies and sit in the back row, kissing and cuddling like we were teenagers having our first experience of mutual attraction. We had a lot in common intellectually, and we were happy not to rush things and. The routine we settled into, spending 2 or 3 nights a week together, and we had a great time. We did romantic, sometimes silly, things for each other. When I caught a cold and took a day off work, he cooked me chicken soup that night, and we cuddled up and watched DVDs. All of these things filled me with feelings of strong attraction, respect and I was starting to fall for him.

This pattern continued for about 8 weeks; he was going to Thailand for a week for the birthday of a friend who permanently resides there. Leading up to his departure, there were mass demonstrations in Bangkok and some violence between the different political groups. Naturally I was worried, but accepted that he understood the risks, and it was his decision to make. I drove him to the airport, and waited with him while he checked in his baggage. When we parted, we held each other for a long time, and I gave him my best wishes for the trip and expressed how much I looked forward to seeing him when he got back,

He sent me some very sweet emails and pictures from Thailand telling me what he was doing while he was there, and asking how I was. I sent back similar emails, and sent my best wishes. We kept in touch every second day or so, nothing over the top.

He came back on a Saturday night, and was exhausted, so we spent Sunday evening together. He brought me back some gifts from Thailand, we checked out photos from his trip, and he gave me some gifts he'd bought for me over there. We spent the night together, and I did ask him whether he considered we were in a relationship, or we were starting to become a couple (all our actions up to this point seemed gravitate in that direction). He didn't give a definitive answer.

From the next day, and all that week, he was sick with flu he seemed to have picked up in Thailand. I offered any help that I could, and said that if he needed anything to just call or text and I would help out in with anything (like doing any shopping he needed, buying him some DVDs to pass all those hours at home, cook for him if he needed a night off / didn't feel up to it). Each of the offers was rebuffed, and he said he didn't feel up to seeing me,and I didn't push any further past Wednesday night.

On Friday night, I texted him to tell him that I needed to pick up my watch that I'd left at his place. He invited me to come and pick it up. When I arrived, (and this causes me to cringe with embarrassment now with hindsight), I brought him a rose, some chicken soup (an inside joke for us, I'm half Jewish so its practically antibiotics for one side of my family, and he'd done the same for me when I'd had flu early in our relationship). I also brought a DVD for him as he was still feeling unwell. He seemed a bit distant and uncomfortable. I had sensed something a bit amiss all week, but I hadn't said anything. I asked him obliquely if things were okay between us, that I was worried about him with the flu etc. He said to that me everything was fine, hugged me closely and assured me that he was okay.

That was the last time I saw him in a romantic kind of way. Two days following, on a Sunday, he sent me a text message saying that he felt that our relationship wasn't working, that we were too different to continue in the direction we were going, and that he did not want to continue to see me in that kind of way, though he emphasised that he valued my friendship and company, and wanted to remain friends.

I am so mystified by his decision considering how things had been between us; even his manner of breaking up, by text message was totally out of character, considering how much of a gentleman I knew him to be and how coarse and disrespectful it is not to tell someone that sort of thing face to face.

I've seen him one since then, which was not a social or romantic encounter but just the stitching up of some unfinished business, and we didn't discuss the issue.

I've had one long term relationship that lasted about two years (with five years of very close friendship to follow), and a few short relationships, so I'm not exactly incompetent when it comes to understanding other people's feelings and intentions in these sort of situations. More importantly, to me, none of my past relationships had the romantic quality, wholesomeness, selflessness and feeling of natural progression that this one seemed to have.

I ask for your feedback, your insights, into this and hopefully post some comments to help me understand what happened. We had agreed to get together for a couple of drinks about a month ago, but he piked out citing some excuse or another, but assured me he was keen to hang out some time soon. He also called me late last week at a fairly late hour (9:30pm); I missed his call and I haven't returned it yet. I still feel some attraction to him, but more importantly would appreciate basic explanation and a proper conclusion to all of this.

Over to you, if you could get through my mass of details and paragraphs, for which I again apologise. What do you think happened? Any insights or understanding or the issue, and advice as to how to proceed in the future on this is also certainly sought and would be very welcome.

CnfsdAlx

[JELEF]

Heya,

I'm heterosexual but I don't think sexual orientation really matters here. I was in a bit of a similar situation which I'm still trying to work out. Maybe my insight's helpful or perhaps not.

I think one of two things may've happened. He may've met someone while he was away, had a holiday romance, and realized that the passion he feels for this other chap's more than what he feels for you. So he could be doubting whether or not he wants to carry on. He may be worried about hurting you. The other scenario could be that he thought the two of you were on the same page emotionally and in terms of expectations. What you've got is fun but he's not sure how into you he is. When you asked him about a relationship he realized you felt more strongly for him than he does for you and he cut it off straight away to avoid causing either of you pain. If he still wants to be friends, that's positive so long as you can remain strictly friends.

How long've you gone without really contacting eachother? If he's making excuses he's just not interested in you at all, you're badgering him (back off for a bit), or he's concerned about any awkwardness in the air if he thinks you still fancy him.

[bibti77]

Sounds to me as though he wasn't over a recent ex and that person came back in the picture... or he wasn't 100% over an ex and when you asked him where the relationship between you two stood, he felt rushed. Sometimes, especially when it's someone new, you can get along with that person very well but the past will come back to haunt you if it was never dealt with. After your relationship wasn't so "new" anymore, his thoughts may have returned back to another.... just a thought. I've been through it and it sounds very similar to what I have done in the past.

[ConfusedAlex]

Heya,

I'm heterosexual but I don't think sexual orientation really matters here. I was in a bit of a similar situation which I'm still trying to work out. Maybe my insight's helpful or perhaps not.

I think one of two things may've happened. He may've met someone while he was away, had a holiday romance, and realized that the passion he feels for this other chap's more than what he feels for you. So he could be doubting whether or not he wants to carry on. He may be worried about hurting you. The other scenario could be that he thought the two of you were on the same page emotionally and in terms of expectations. What you've got is fun but he's not sure how into you he is. When you asked him about a relationship he realized you felt more strongly for him than he does for you and he cut it off straight away to avoid causing either of you pain. If he still wants to be friends, that's positive so long as you can remain strictly friends.

How long've you gone without really contacting eachother? If he's making excuses he's just not interested in you at all, you're badgering him (back off for a bit), or he's concerned about any awkwardness in the air if he thinks you still fancy him.

We "broke up" (I use the term tentatively, I'm not sure we were in a relationship) about 8 weeks ago, the same period of time we were together. We saw each other a few weeks after that, to sort out some unfinished business, but neither of us brought up what had happened. He sent me a text a few weeks after that saying he was keen to hang out, so we organised a time and place, and he piked out as I mentioned above. I could understand that more easily if I'd been badgering him with texts and he relented, then changed his mind, but it was at his instigation that we were going to hang out again.

I'm very aware of how unattractive it is to be desperate or clingy, and I didn't feel so strongly about him that I was constantly trying to call him. During the time we were together, I didn't mention "the L word" once, but after eight weeks together, I did feel it was natural to clarify whether we were just having a fling, or we were moving towards being in a relationship. In the last eight weeks, there have probably been four or five texts between us, and one phone call he made to me.

Another thing that confuses me is that he called me Thursday last week, pretty much out of the blue. I missed his call, and he left a message. I haven't called him back yet. This kind of hot and cold behavior from him is what mystifies me so much. We weren't together long enough for me to say I am or was in love with him, but I was definitely falling for him at the time, and he's so far ahead in terms of personal qualities compared to other single guys in this city, that other liaisons seem like downgrading from a Ferrari to a Ford.

[ConfusedAlex]

Sounds to me as though he wasn't over a recent ex and that person came back in the picture... or he wasn't 100% over an ex and when you asked him where the relationship between you two stood, he felt rushed. Sometimes, especially when it's someone new, you can get along with that person very well but the past will come back to haunt you if it was never dealt with. After your relationship wasn't so "new" anymore, his thoughts may have returned back to another.... just a thought. I've been through it and it sounds very similar to what I have done in the past.

That sounds quite plausible. I guess what I find difficult about it was that he didn't just meet me face to face and say, "I'm not really into you like that" or something, and we could go our separate ways. And the way he broke up, by text message, was really out of character. If it had been 8 weeks of sex and nothing else, I could better understand it, but he was so romantic in the things he did, so gentlemanly, and caring, I couldn't understand how he could switch that off like a light bulb. And then what's happened subsequently, with him calling me and texting saying we should hang out; its all a bit confusing and difficult to deal with.

Re: feeling rushed, I'm really the last person in the world to rush things like this, we were hanging out 3 nights a week. meeting each other's friends, doing really sweet and romantic things for each other, and having a great time physically, but I never said that I loved him, or sought affirmation from him about his feelings. I think, though, that after 2 months of that, its fair to ask for some clarification about what it is exactly that we have together, or what we're moving towards anyway.

Your comment about a recent ex, it makes a lot of sense. The way he was during the time we were together, and how he's behaved subsequently, confuse the hell out of me. Whatever the cause of this was, I'm happy to put a period after it, take the view that we had a great time together, and there's no hard feelings and no regrets. But some kind of explanation in person would be really helpful and, I think, the right thing to do.

[ConfusedAlex]

I was in a bit of a similar situation which I'm still trying to work out.

By the way, I'm quite curious about this situation. Were you the one who broke it off or the other way around? If you're willing to talk about it, I'd be very gratified to hear your story as it might shed some light on my own situation.

[MerryH]

By the way, I'm quite curious about this situation. Were you the one who broke it off or the other way around? If you're willing to talk about it, I'd be very gratified to hear your story as it might shed some light on my own situation.

I know you weren't asking me, but this has happened to me before. Here's my story: A cute guy I was dating for about a month suddenly stopped calling me. I spent a few days wondering what was going on, and then at a social function that I wasn't expecting him to attend, in he walks. With his ex. They are clearly "together." Oh...shit. So that's why. Well, that sucks. Instantly, I was over him. Seeing him with someone else just killed the attraction. So that's how it went for me. I guess I was lucky?

I know you feel like you should get some closure on this, but I don't think that will happen the way you want it to. It's natural to want a reason, but it's really not going to change the outcome. So say he does somehow end up telling you why he broke it off. Maybe it's a bit unflattering to you. Do you want to hear this from him? Maybe it's something completely out of your control. Will it benefit you to know?

He's still contacting you because he wants to be your friend. That's my guess. He probably thinks it's been long enough since you two haven't been romantic that he can invite you out on a platonic level. Would you be ok with JUST being friends with him?

[ConfusedAlex]

I know you feel like you should get some closure on this, but I don't think that will happen the way you want it to. It's natural to want a reason, but it's really not going to change the outcome. So say he does somehow end up telling you why he broke it off. Maybe it's a bit unflattering to you. Do you want to hear this from him? Maybe it's something completely out of your control. Will it benefit you to know?

That's a good point, its not something I really have to know, what happened is in the past, though my curiosity about the reason is quite strong. It may be that he's not fully sure himself.

He's still contacting you because he wants to be your friend. That's my guess. He probably thinks it's been long enough since you two haven't been romantic that he can invite you out on a platonic level. Would you be ok with JUST being friends with him?

I won't lie and say that I'm not attracted to the idea of some kind of reconciliation, but I'm also realistic; that there's a good chance he's in a relationship or seeing other guys, or that I wouldn't really feel the same attraction that I did the first time around. The qualities that attracted me to him romantically overlap with the ones that are the reasons that I'd like to stay friends. But its been while we've seen each other, I think it might be a bit awkward.

I've had some experience with staying friends with exes, my first boyfriend and I became very close friends after we broke up, having spent a reasonable amount of time not really contacting each other.I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.

[ianoulla]

I kind of go along with the idea that there was somebody else in the background, maybe. But like you I am confused, my relationship went caput without explanation. It's the lack of explanation I too find difficult. If they could care enough to tell you how they feel, hard as it may be, then eventually you would get over it. What is difficult is that without explanation, you can end up feeling you did something wrong, or whatever.

My suggestion is and it is the same to myself, ask him, why, simple as that and say to him, it would help you to move forward if you could hear in his words, the reasons for the way things turned out because on your side, everything was as good as it could be. If he gives you an explanation, try to agree to stay friends, then just move forward and away from him. If he doesn't or won't, my advice is, just withdraw from him. If he wants you he knows where you are.

I am trying not to be needy, this is a real turn off..... so I'm determined to keep my dignity, you keep yours too. Good luck

[JELEF]

By the way, I'm quite curious about this situation. Were you the one who broke it off or the other way around? If you're willing to talk about it, I'd be very gratified to hear your story as it might shed some light on my own situation.

After the follow-ups and re-reading of your post, I guess they're not really terribly similar after all.

She cut off contact with me after 5 weeks and didn't mention that she had met another man and was well into him (thanks Facebook). She went on holiday for 4 weeks (with him for considerable portions--again, thanks Facebook) and left me in limbo. Waited 7-10 days to respond briefly to a tidy message or reply I'd sent. All of her posts about being sad and confused and things relevant to romance/heart break etc I thought were about me, not realizing there was another chap. So my attempts at reconciliation and thinking perhaps there'd been a massive misunderstanding made me come off as cilngy and needy.

I wish she had told me she met someone else. It would've saved me the trouble of looking like a complete fool. I think her heart was in the right place and thought it best not to mention him.

Since I've worked out that there's a new interest, I've given up contact all together. I'd still like to be friends as I've not got any hard feelings, but it's not really my choice now. Received no reply to a tidy and emotionless happy birthday message and haven't been in touch in any other way for nearly 4 weeks. She did 'like' something I posted on Facebook a few days ago, but I'm carrying on as if we'll not ever speak again.

I think no contact's all you can really do. If he's got no interest you'll never hear from him again. If he's got some interest, he'll miss you after a while. If you're not afraid to cut him out entirely, ask what went wrong. Otherwise, best to leave it alone until you're in a comfortable position and know that you can bring it up.

[ConfusedAlex]

I kind of go along with the idea that there was somebody else in the background, maybe. But like you I am confused, my relationship went caput without explanation. It's the lack of explanation I too find difficult. If they could care enough to tell you how they feel, hard as it may be, then eventually you would get over it. What is difficult is that without explanation, you can end up feeling you did something wrong, or whatever.

Well put. The lack of explanation is very frustrating. It would be understandable if things had been kind of drifting between us, but they were pretty good up until he went away for a week, came back and it was pretty much over, with a derisory text message saying we weren't compatible. Perhaps it was true, but everything that had happened up to that seemed to point in the opposite direction.

My suggestion is and it is the same to myself, ask him, why, simple as that and say to him, it would help you to move forward if you could hear in his words, the reasons for the way things turned out because on your side, everything was as good as it could be. If he gives you an explanation, try to agree to stay friends, then just move forward and away from him. If he doesn't or won't, my advice is, just withdraw from him. If he wants you he knows where you are.

I'm hesitant to bring the subject up with him unless its face to face. He called me about this time last week, I missed the call, I should probably get back to him.

I am trying not to be needy, this is a real turn off..... so I'm determined to keep my dignity, you keep yours too.

I'm trying to. In all honesty, I'm not in love with him, and I wasn't when we broke up, but being single atm and knowing the kind of personal and physical qualities he has, reconciliation is an appealing prospect.

Good luck

Cheers, you too

[ConfusedAlex]

I wish she had told me she met someone else. It would've saved me the trouble of looking like a complete fool.

x1000 . If there was another person involved, it would have saved a lot of trouble and dignity if I'd known so I didn't look like an utter fool when I tried to reconcile things just before he broke it off.

Since I've worked out that there's a new interest, I've given up contact all together.

I've had a few dates with guys since we split, but, as I always seem to, I let those situations drift until they're not interested anymore. I meet a lot of guys who are interested in me, and very few where that interest is reciprocated. That is why I was so keen on this one.

I think no contact's all you can really do. If he's got no interest you'll never hear from him again. If he's got some interest, he'll miss you after a while. If you're not afraid to cut him out entirely, ask what went wrong. Otherwise, best to leave it alone until you're in a comfortable position and know that you can bring it up.

He did ring me and leave a voice message this time last week, I haven't been ignoring him or anything, just not really felt up to calling him. I probably should today

[JELEF]

I've had a few dates with guys since we split, but, as I always seem to, I let those situations drift until they're not interested anymore. I meet a lot of guys who are interested in me, and very few where that interest is reciprocated. That is why I was so keen on this one.

My problem precisely. Simply can't be arsed most of the time. I don't know exactly what I want, but I know when I've found it. Doesn't happen often enough and it leaves me caught up in the moment when I do. I'm working on the 'playing it cool' route in the future.

He did ring me and leave a voice message this time last week, I haven't been ignoring him or anything, just not really felt up to calling him. I probably should today

It's worth a punt. He rang you. You're simply returning his call. Play it cool and see what's doing. There's no way you can end up looking a fool unless he's trying to make you out to be one. In which case, he's a twat.

Good luck!

[ConfusedAlex]

My problem precisely. Simply can't be arsed most of the time.

I laughed out loud at that, so its not just me lol Its true though; I meet guys that seem nice enough, but they're just not what I'm after. And I should probably be a bit better about not leading them on when there's nil chance anything will happen. The ones that I meet and I am keen on (rare), they're either taken, or not interested, or it turns out like above.

It's worth a punt. He rang you. You're simply returning his call. Play it cool and see what's doing. There's no way you can end up looking a fool unless he's trying to make you out to be one. In which case, he's a twat.

Good luck!

Cheers mate, its much appreciated. Btw, you speak like you're from the UK, but I notice your flag is Old Glory. Are you an expat living in the land of the brave?

[JELEF]

I'm American. I've just spent the last couple years in France and England and am back in America until next summer.

Not sure what to do about the lack of interest bit though. For me it feels disingenuous to carry on with something if I'm not feeling it straight away, even if I've not meant any harm. There's yet to be a situation where I've slowly developed feelings for someone: it's there or it's not. I guess I can hold out hope until I'm back in France