How to proceed with this?

[uniq]

Hello,

I'll try to make this short.

So here's the deal. I'm freshly single (since december 2012, out of a 5 year relationship).

There is a girl who I know for about 10 years. She's a bit younger (I'm 29, she's 24) and she was a younger sister to my best friend in highschool who unfortunatly isn't with us anymore

Trough the years we were hanging out a lot (she's friends with my friends so we see each other on parties, vacations, etc...). In 2009 on a privat party she kissed me (while I was still in a relationship, ony 1 kiss happened) and told me that she has been madly in love with me for years. That was a surprise to me but I have to confess that I suck at reading signs. I liked the kiss but nothing happened afterwards. And considering that she was my best friends sister I never really saw us "together".

Let's skip to December 2012. I've broken up with my gf. Sometime in the middle of the month I had some friends over for drinks and she was the last one to go home. Since she stayed the longest, we talked for hours at my place and while talking I realized that I really do like her. She knows me very well, understands me and my way of living and vica versa. I wanted to make a move (went in for a kiss, nothing more) but chickened out like a little pussy.

One day before Christmas we decided to go to a party (a bunch of friends) but at the end ony the two of us came. Durring the night she went for the kiss and we kissed for sometime and had a blast. She did say she drank a bit too much but I don't think that she was excusing herself for kissing me.

Since I'm a nice guy I took her home to her place tough I could easly take advantage of the situation. We talked the next day and both agreed that it felt good. Than I didn't get to see her until new years eve. I tried to get to see her (I suggested a movie night at my place and tried to get to see her once at her place between Christmas and NY eve). She always had some kind of excuse (all rather legit, not the obvious ones - or maybe I'm blind lol).

NY eve came up, we (couple of friends) spent it at her cabin in the woods. We were the first there to light everything up and make it warm for others. Me, being a little chicken I am, said or done nothing about us until the firts friends started coming. I didn't know if I should or shouldn't pull her towards me and kiss her since it did kinda seem she didn't want to see me between Christmas and NY eve.

I managed to get to kiss her once while nobody was in the same room and she didn't mind but she also didn't want any of our friends to see it (I completly understand that, neither did I, at least not yet).

The next day we kissed as I left her at her home and that's when I last saw her.

2 days after the New Years I've sent her a message that I miss her with no reply. A day later I invited her to go to the movies and again with basicly no reply. Got a bit drunk later that day and wrote her another message about how I wished I'd get to see her that day because I really wanted to push her against the wall and kiss her. No reply again and since than (that happened on the 4th) there is basically no conversation between us (non what so ever).

A part of me hopes it will and that I've just pushed to much and that if I back off for a while there still might be a chance of something more between us. That's the stupid in love part of brain.
Looking at the whole situation it looks (at least to me) that she was interested in me only when intoxicated (considering that that's the only time she wanted me) and thinking about it it seems like she just isn't that into me as I am into her. This will probably never work out.

But my problem is I cannot stop thinking of her :/ It is driving me nuts. I see her on FB (we are in a couple of the same groups in FB) and she lives rather close to me (15min away). Part of me wants to go to her and explain the way I feel about her and at least have some closure (if she says she doesn't feel the same - which is what I expect), the other part of me is thinking I just need to back off and lay low and maybe some other time we can pick it up from where we started on that party before christmas.

Now I ask you, how would you deal with this? It is getting quite hard for me currently. She is on my mind most of the time and it interferes with my life (work mostly). It gets me depressed and I don't like being like this. I'm telling myself every day that it seems that it was meant to be (or not be in my case) and it helps from time to time to make me feel ok with it. But I don't like it when my stupid in love brain keeps telling me that I've messed up, pushed to hard when I could keep it cool and I'd probably still be kissing her (and not like now when we are not even talking ).

What is you recipe for a situation like this? I'm quite a busy guy and a bit shy so I don't do your regular "go out and meet people" stuff.

I'm sorry for the long post

[Scarlet_P]

Sounds as though you haven't pushed it too hard, and playing it cool is sometimes playing it a bit too cool.

This reminds of someone I'm not in contact with any more. She was a work colleague who kept giving me compliments, and then one drunken night after someone's leaving do, we kissed and shared a taxi. We both went home to our separate places that night, but it carried on for a bit. I was single and I knew she had a boyfriend, and I felt bad for him, but I suddenly looked at her in a new light, and fell for her. Similarly, I chased her for 2 years, and got nowhere. It was like being a fish on a hook - being reeled in, and then thrown back the whole time, never free, but never caught. Unrequited love can be agony. With this girl, I had to sit opposite or next to at work the whole time, within reach but a light year away.

Be wary of this girl. If she doesn't reply to texts, it can mean: 1) she's achieved her objective and wants nothing else, 2) she has a boyfriend already and the Christmas stuff was just because he couldn't be around, 3) she wants to see how far you'll go for her or 4) she's lost her phone (unlikey). Once you stop texting, she'll probably let it die down for a bit, but then after a couple of weeks or a month, start texting again. Just as you think things are going well, she'll suddenly go dark on you, and it'll be radio silence again.

I would post this on the Ask A Female Forum. I honestly don't understand why women do this. But one thing I can say, from the above work colleague thing: she once said to me, if she was not married by 30, she'd marry me. And guess what...I told her to stuff it up her herself, as I'm not going to be anyone's second choice

[uniq]

Hi Scarlet_P

Thanks for your answer

I just don't like being kept in a situation where I do not know how things are. I know it would suck if she'd tell me it was just fun to her and that she doesn't want anything more than that but at least I'd know where I stand. But I know myself that much that I'm not going to chase her for a long time. I'm too old for playing games

I'm probably going to see her on Friday tough, having a couple of friends over for the evening and I'm still deciding if I should play it cool or try to kiss her when the opportunity comes along If she backs off I'll at least "know" that she's interested anymore.

[Scarlet_P]

Hi Uniq,

No problem

Exactly, as I was saying about the fishing analogy, no-one like to be kept dangling by the angling. Good on you for not participating in her games - someone blowing hot and cold over and over is not a fun way to be treated. But sure, see what happens, and how she treats you. Good luck mate!

[uniq]

Some time passed and I'm even more confused than before hehe It went much much better with her from that get together on Friday and than again nothing for 10 days (yet she was hyped to see me as soon as possible)... I'll give it another month or so and if I'll still be in the "on/off game" I'll try to distance myself from her since this is not what I need and want

[uniq]

If anyone is actually interested in what happend....everything ended. Not really happy but when I draw the line it was my mistakes that ended it - the biggest one being I just didn't have the patience to wait a bit longer (and yet before it all ended she told me she's not used to big changes in her life and it took her about 4 months of on/off with her last boyfriend until they started dating seriously).

I'm mad at myself for the lack of patience but in the end it is what it is. The irony is that I had some facts and thinking it all over now I just acted wrong and blew it. Wouldn't really be bothered about it if she was anybody else but the girl I really wanted to be with

A life lesson to not push for anything too hard and just let things come as they should.