Girlfriend has many male friends she wants to visit on her own and stop overnight....

[Jon12345]

Dear Readers...

My newish girlfriend is south american, and grew up on military bases and had loads of brothers.... so she says that she's often more comfortable around men than women (though she has lots of close female friends too).

She has a lot of close male friends, who she's known for years. She says that she thinks of them as brothers...

She said that she'll want to go and see them occasionally, one to one, on her own, and stop overnight at their houses (probably for a weekend due to distance). Drinking will obviously be involved too!

While I trust that she has no romantic motive for visiting them, it still doesn't feel quite right or normal to me. It certainly makes be feel uncomfortable and a little jealous.

Non of my male friends have female friends that they see on a 1 to 1 basis without some romantic involvement and they certainly don't stop with overnight....

Is this normal?

Can a man and a woman who have a friend history spend one to one time in what can only be described as a date type setting (dinner, drinks, etc..) without one of the parties becoming romantically attracted to the other one?

I've got quite a few female friends, but they are mostly partners of my male friends, colleagues from work or people I know through hobbies. I meet them in a group environment, double date etc., but wouldn't dream of going for dinner and a movie with a mates girlfriend, one to one... just seems wierd.....

I want to let her have her freedom, but I'm also a little concerned where that kind of thing might lead.....

Your views and experience will be most appreciated, thanks!!

[AdminOnline]

hard to say ..one thing is she work in military?

depend on how your gf look like also...

if she behave just like a guy, then i doubt she is into sex.. more like treat her male as brothers..

[HeartIsAching]

It does seem to be um... unusual. It boils down to your level of trust - and obviously you don't have enough trust to be comfortable with it. I'd just tell her so. If she chooses to go anyway you need to decide whether or not you can live with it. If not, then you need to break up.

If she doesn't go, will she be resentful because of it? There's a good chance she will.

Tough call, man.

[Fruitss]

I dont know but do her freinds have a woman?

I wonder what their gf's think about a woman comming too town too stay.

And i think its stupid too date her and all and now u want to change it.
U new she was like that so u should have leave her after the date.

[searock]

depend on how your gf look like also...

No, it doesn't really.

OP, I have a guy friend whom I've known for years. We'll occasionally catch up and spend a night together, going for a drink or a walk or dinner or something, just the two of us. We see each other as brother and sister, since we've basically grown up together in our teens and we've never been attracted to one another.

I also have another close male friend whom I've known for about 5 years. We sometimes have lunch together and if we lived in the same town I would have no problem having him come over to my place to watch a movie or something, occasionally. Again, there is absolutely no physical attraction between the two of us.

My boyfriend knows this, so he doesn't mind. He has a female close friend too, they've known each other since they were little kids and they too spend one-on-one time together. They even went on holiday together for a few days, this summer, just the two of them in a foreign country, sleeping in the same room (not the same bed). I wasn't jealous at all, because I've seen them together and I know that they are not attracted to each other (nor have they ever been), as much as they genuinely care for each other.

To add: male-female friends don't talk to each other every single day (via whatever means of communication). So if that's happening, it's a red flag.

My suggestion is to spend time with your girlfriend while she's with these guys. Watch their interactions. You should be able to understand whether there is something to be jealous about, or if they are really, as she says, "like brother and sister".

[Wakeup]

I'm of a different generation, Jon and regardless of whether or not we (hubby and I) are or aren't attracted to our opposite sex friends, we would never spend an overnighter with them. It's just something that both of us feels is disrespectful to the relationship in general. We both do go away with our same-sex friends to do girls weekends / guy things like football games out of town etc.

I think the trick is to find someone who thinks the same way you do about doing date like activities with someone other than your SO. If you've talked to her and she's not about to change it up, then you have two choices:

Find someone who thinks like you and doesn't go on outings with their opposite sex friends without you. or;
Learn to be okay with her and how she interacts with her opposite sex friends.

What else can you do?

[VincenzoG91]

Your girlfriend seems naive. Getting drunk and spending the night with various male friends on a regular basis is eventually going to lead to cheating or rape, depending on her intentions.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with what's been said. I think you should tell her you're not comfortable with it, and then ask her if she wants to continue the relationship. It's early so you should do it now before you get too involved and become too much of a little bitch to say anything.

[Jon12345]

Thanks for all the replies.
I was thinking, if she's seen these guys in this way when she's been single and not had any romantic entanglements with them, then there's no reason for me to think that now she's in a relationship with me, she'll suddenly change how she's been with them and cheat, so I have to trust her.

Would be easier if I'd actually met these people and if they actually knew she was seeing someone, but as with my first post to the forum, I'm essentially being hidden from her friends and family until her divorce is sorted (she was separated for over a year before we met btw... but a religious mum).

But, it's not happened yet. Maybe I'll be visible by the time it comes up.

I have a good female friend in California who I was going to visit for a week over Xmas... But as I was now with my new GF, even though my friend is just a friend, it didn't feel appropriate to go, so I postponed.
If my GF insists on seeing her male friends on her own, then I'll go to the US on my own!
If she invites me along to meet them, then I'll buy her a ticket to the US and we'll have a holiday....

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter if you trust her, there should be "boundries" agreed on when you are in a relationship....this is why good communication is needed. I totally agree that it is not appropriate thing to do when you are in a relationship...you have to make changes in your life to accommodate for a relationship, it is just the way it is.....it's a progression of life.

You need to talk openly about this to her, and not to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I feel you going to visit your female friend (tit for tat) is a childish way of dealing with this situation. It's better to discuss and make a compromise, like suggesting going with her instead or waiting to see if she invits you.....(that's stupid games.)

[surfhb2]

Totally depends on the circumstances. You really don't know this girl or her relationship with these guys. If you say something then you could probably kiss your relationship good bye

[HeartIsAching]

I feel you going to visit your female friend (tit for tat) is a childish way of dealing with this situation. It's better to discuss and make a compromise, like suggesting going with her instead or waiting to see if she invits you.....(that's stupid games.)

Ooo, I totally missed that bit - you're absolutely right. That's just stupid petty "I'm gonna hurt you back" games.

[Wakeup]

I don't think you going without her to see yoru friend is in spite. I think if you've accepted that she should have time alone with her male friends, then why should you not have time alone with your female friend? This is the "stage" youi're setting up for the rest of your relationship with her. You both do things with opposite sex friends without each other and it's mutually accepted. Now, if you didn't accept her being with her friends and were doing it just to spite her, then I'd say it was a game. You qualified your stance with this statement:

I was thinking, if she's seen these guys in this way when she's been single and not had any romantic entanglements with them, then there's no reason for me to think that now she's in a relationship with me, she'll suddenly change how she's been with them and cheat, so I have to trust her.

[Wakeup]

doesn't matter if you trust her, there should be "boundries" agreed on when you are in a relationship....this is why good communication is needed. I totally agree that it is not appropriate thing to do when you are in a relationship...you have to make changes in your life to accommodate for a relationship, it is just the way it is.....it's a progression of life.

Totally agree.

[smackie9]

Totally depends on the circumstances. You really don't know this girl or her relationship with these guys. If you say something then you could probably kiss your relationship good bye

If he can't discuss something like this to her in a civil manner without her showing the door, then she isn't mature enough to be in a serious comitted relationship.