My Girlfriend wants to stay out overnight with her friends a lot....

[Jon12345]

Dear Readers,

I'm in a new relationship, 2 months, with a girl from South America. She's lived in England for quite a few years now and her family are still overseas. She has a lot of very close friends from the South American community, both male and female, who she used to spend a lot of time with (staying with them over the weekends etc.). Lots of them are single, others in relationships. She says they are her surrogate family and she needs them. Also, she like the group to maintain cultural stuff and language. She knows I'm quite jealous and has asked me how I'm going to feel when she goes to stay with her male friends.

She moved in with me a few weeks ago as she wasn't getting on with her roommate and it felt like the right thing to do, if not a little fast. However we are now having some issues.....

I understand she needs her space, her friends and to do things on her own. In a normal relationship this is usually (to my understanding) going out with friends for lunch, maybe dinner some days, stopping out overnight occasionally and then maybe stopping away for a full weekend very occasionally.
However, because all her friends live a good distance away, in UK cities, if she goes to see them, it will always be an overnight or several day trip.
While I'm happy for her to go out on her own and see her friends and cousins, I don't want a relationship where she's away from home so many nights and weekends. I work hard in the week, and want to enjoy the weekends with her, not come home and sit in the house on my own all weekend. It's not like I can go out with my friends every time she does, because they are all married and won't be free.
Plus, once a year or so, she says she'll want to got back home to her family for 5 or 6 weeks, which I'll find hard.

To make matters worse for my self esteem, she's separated (for 2 years) but still married to her ex. Her family wouldn't approve of our relationship and most of her friends know her family, so only 4 people in her life know I exist. This means when she goes away to see her friends, they think she's single/separated and have no idea she's in a relationship... She says she'll tell them in time, when she can tell her mum, but I don't see that happening for 6 months....

Personally I probably go out once a month on my own for a few hours with work colleagues to the pub for a chat, twice a year I'll go walking with colleagues and stop Friday night in a bunk house, and twice a year I'll go abroad for a weekend training (martial arts), and maybe two or three night out a year with my friends where I'll stop overnight (as they're too far from home). So maybe 9 nights away from home a year for 'me time', which equates to something every 2 months or so. I do have to travel for work sometimes, but that's work and I have no choice.

I've no idea what the frequency of her trips away to see her friends will be yet, she says it won't be every weekend, but I imagine I'm going to lose her more than 1 weekend a month, which I'm not happy with.

Am I being un-reasonable? Or do we just want different things from the relationship and it's got no chance of working?? Maybe it'll be easier when she's made local friends that she can see without staying away overnight...

Opinions appreciated! Thanks

Jon

[basilandthyme]

How often has she gone away in the last two months? Is it already causing issues?

[Gargul]

You'll have to arrange a compromise with her. You probably won't get to spend as much time with her as you find ideal, but you can probably strike a balance where it isn't so bad. For example, why can't she go see her friends every other weekend instead of every weekend? Or stay with her family for 3-4 weeks instead of 5-6? You'll have to share her, but she'll also have to be there for you.

I would sit down and straighten this out on paper. Because if you guys aren't clear on how your schedules are going to work out, she'll likely be away for too long and you'll get antsy or sad. Make sure you guys honor whatever arrangement you work out, and that time between you and the friends is evenly divided.

And I'm not sure about how divorce laws work because I've never been divorced, but why exactly is she separated rather than fully divorced?

And I wouldn't worry about her guy friends. I don't think it's likely that they're plotting a big sex orgy just because she has to spend the night there.

[Jon12345]

I know I wouldn't be happy if she went away every other weekend either. Once a month I could maybe manage. I didn't get into a relationship to spend half my weekends alone! Also, she's currently looking for a job. Depends what she gets, but I imagine it'll be shifts and Rota's, so she could end up working evenings and weekends too!! Guess until that happens I don't know.....

The marriage is just a paperwork thing, but her ex has to agree, if he's awkward which she says he will be, then it takes 2 years to absolve I believe.

She's been away 3 times in the last 7 weeks, would have been more cos she was going to go away for Xmas but convinced her to stay.

[Boisdevie]

The thing that struck me is that living together after knowing each other for 2 months is asking for trouble. And makes me wonder if you or her have poor decisionmaking skills.

[Wakeup]

She's not even divorced yet, she hides you until "the time is right" yet she'll move in with you in a measly two months and she doesn't give up any of her single-like activities with her friends to be with you.

All of those are big red flags IMO. I think you think they're red flags too or this thread wouldn't exist. I also think you need to have a discussion about personal and relationship boundaries with this woman and if she won't compromise any of her ways to make this more like a relationship and less like a temporary convenience to her, then maybe you should consider whether being with her is in your own best interests.