Honeymoon Stage over...Now tolerance stage

[kath]

Hi All,
I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for 1 year 3 mths. In the recent months, I felt that things have changed, more quarrels, less concern, less excitement & yes I've got to say the honeymoon stage is over.

All the flaws seems to be getting obvious now, the previous thought of "the best thing in life was knowing you" has become a dilemma now. I felt sad at times that the sparks is gone & knowing that this might be normal in a relationship but I can't help breaking down at times because our honeymoon period was so wonderful & magical tt I couldn't get use to the change.

We used to talk on phone everyday before slp and I always recieve long text msges all the time but now we seems to have nothing to talk. I got a feeling i'm still stuck in the honeymoon stage but he has moved on to his comfort stage. He used to spend all his time on me now he goes gym and meet his friends more often, he used to say he love it when I keep sticking ard but now he needs more space. The more he care less, the more I cling on to him hoping that things will get better but it did not. His small little actions have changed & that upsets me. For instance, I left a sweet note for him in an envelope on his desk when he got back from overseas & the next day I asked him about it he told me he did not read it. He used to compliment on my dressing whenever I dressed better than usual days but now he make no comments. I once thought that he was the one who could understand me and I could share my thoughts with but right now we couldn't even hold a long conversation. He used to remember my schedule for me now he forgot thgs that I've said.

It was my first relationship so I dont really know how to handle this emotional change. I got this feeling that he has lost interest in me but it might be just him needing more space. Sometimes I talk to him abt this but he claims that I'm thinking nonsense. We had a one month break 2 months ago because we have been quarreling too often. It was painful but I tried to be happy with my friends & I did. Then one mth later, he asked for another chance to start afresh. I gave it a chance. For the first week, everythg was good. But right now it seems back to square one. When I asked him why did he want me back when he knew that he had no time & effort for me & thgs wld be back to square one, he told me he dont know.

I cried to him over the phone last night, he tried to coax me but at the same time feel annoyed. I don't know am I too demanding, feelings faded or we are not meant to be. Should I hang on and see if things turn out to be better? I really don't know what can I do. Or should I really give him more space & he will treat me better? How can I find back the sparks that was once there? Or rather the person that I first knew.

[bcgirl]

Honeymoon stages definitely have an expiration time in most cases, but in this case it seems like he has done a whole 180. Something is up and perhaps he is just losing interest in you. Don't be so needy, be an independent woman (so much more sexier)

[kath]

I heard its e male psychology that the more u cling the more it will drive him away, I wonder if tt is really true. But sometimes I can't help bcos I miss him so much & I just wanna make thgs right agn. He told me he just wanna be happy with me like last time but I really don't know what is happening now it is so hard..

[searock]

I heard its e male psychology that the more u cling the more it will drive him away

It's not just male psychology... female too. Imagine having a clingy boyfriend, I assure you, you wouldn't like it.

I see where you're coming from though. I think it's normal to have these oscillations in relationships - for a period, one of the two persons is more clingy and the other is more detached, and the next period things are reversed. Good relationships are those in which the amplitude isn't high - where neither of you is ever too clingy or too detached. Usually it takes a while to adapt, to find the right balance. Maybe you just need to hold on right now, and try to become less clingy, more independent. He should gradually become less detached if you do that persistently. If you're compatible, this phase will end and you will soon be "equals" again.

[VincenzoG91]

Kath, you need a hobby. Or something else going on in your life besides just having a boyfriend. It will be good for you and good for the relationship.

[Beenthere]

Sorry to see you feeling this way.. but as a bloke id have to say he is either not that bothered or he is just becoming lazy in the relationship because he feels he doesnt have to try hard. You love him and cling to him the ways things are, he knows it, so why should he try harder to keep you. I dont like relationship games, but I do think you need to 'woman up' here and use the gifts your mother gave you. Catch up with some of those friends you saw on your break, arrange girls nights out, dress sexy (not slutty) have a great time, and come home and tell him about it. If you get chatted up, tell him.. make him think that if he doesnt cherish you, someone else will. Believe me, he will be more curious and attentive next time you announce you have a night out and hopefully he realise and appreciate what he has got.

[Fruitss]

when the honymoon period is over then u will see more clearly if its a good match
or not if u did not see it early.
And if its not its over. u need too break up.

Cause otherwise u r forcing it.
ANd after the honeymoon period people become more their selfs and
start seeing each other bad sides more and fight about it etc.

[Bibi]

Hi,
I just want to tell you that I have been where you are now. I was really panicing at one point. Maybe your guy is like mine, some man just need their distance. When the honeymoon stage finished for us I would say that we had the same arguments as you did, we are now five years going and the problem has not really vanished even after all the talking. Maybe its just his nature and I need to get use to it. What Im really saying is that sometimes guys are really not aware that their behaviour has changed. They dont feel any different towards us and they find nothing wrong. If you want to give things a chance I think that you should set out clearly to him what your needs are and to get the spark back try what the other guys said above. It does work in some situations unless he has gotten so lazy in the relationship that he cant be bothered to be jealous which is my situation unfortunetly.

[kath]

Thanks people for the advises. I will try to hang out with my friends more & control my frequent urge to contact him which is what im doing now.. I will tolerate for a month & see if thgs get better if i change my ways.. If not then it shall be the end of trying to keep this r/s as it is really exhausting to keep hanging in a unhealthy rs..I pray hard for e better & may all of you be happy in yr rs too

[kath]

Life is funny in a way i gave more more space than he needs and now the table is turned in just less than a month time, he is talking to me more & funny thing is that he is telling me that he feels im drifting from him(isnt that exactly how i felt when he neglected me previously) . Tdy i was at a friend's place and he called and told me abt his bad day at work, i hang up on him telling him im busy with my friends and will call him after that. He told me he felt sad tt i was not caring enough recently & even qns if im seeing other guy & that is exactly how i felt previously. I do not mean to play revenge, im just spending more time doing my own things so i will not feel sad whenever he is not there for me.

I do enjoy his concern right now but i just dunno where to head now- continue the way it is now being nonchalant & let him feel e pain of my neglience so he will not neglect me agn or sld i go back to being always thr for him but i dun wanna risk him neglecting me agn...

[basilandthyme]

"Always being thr for him" (sic) is not something to aspire to. How boring having a girlfriend who has nothing better to do than wait on you!! But playing games is not something to aspire to either. Sure, it may work - but it can't be kept up and will only cause damage long term.

In short, be yourself. But make sure that 'yourself' has more interests than just being a girlfriend. I think that 'midway' between where you are and where you were would be a healthy place to aim for.