The second stage

[fayde]

(for tl;dr, skip to last paragraph)
Dear loveforum,

I'm a 21 year old college student from a small country in eastern Europe. I have always struggled with relationships - in truth, I never had one. I'm also a quite asocial guy - what I do all day is play an online video game (which I love doing) or I study when I have to. I smoke pot frequently with 1 or 2 pals (I'd say 2-3 times a week on average).

Now after I managed to approach this lovely girl like 3 years ago and got burned pretty hard by her (basically she was annoyed by me cause I approached her two times and she wasn't interested in me), I gave up on the romance thing. I figured with my background I couldn't really get a woman that I would like but that would also like me back, so I kinda stopped thinking about it. But in my subconscious laid the desire to be liked - in reality I was, and am, a quite needy guy.

So recently I was approached by some woman at uni. She wasn't even good looking I thought, and she was quite withdrawn - moreso than me, but she was new to the faculty for this year. In any case, she just asked some regular stuff about class, and I managed to talk a bit with her for a while. Turns out she was 10 years older than me, and I enjoyed the conversation with her. Being so desperate subconsciously, I immediately started envisioning myself with her - that's what happens when I think I have a shot at someone who I like at least a bit initially, and her being older also kind of attracted me. I knew this was very bad and it can't turn out well, but I decided I'm gonna try to interact with her more in the future and see what happens - potentially it could be a dream come true.

Anyway, I had my rational fears about her being much more mature than me and not really being insecure as me as I initially perceived - I mean we're talking about a 30+ year old and she probably has a life of her own and doesn't really care about the kids here at uni. But I kind of supressed that because of my developing obsession over being with her. Eventually I approached her again, and even managed to have a drink with her inbetween some classes. Sounds good, but the thing is I couldn't really get her to open up about more personal stuff - we talked about some, but because of my lifestyle I can't really talk about that much, and my social skills are quite poor and I wasn't really being interesting to her. So of course I couldn't build the rapport, and other conversations after that one were getting harder to maintain, let alone make interesting.

Afterwards I've noticed she barely approaches me or asks me questions related to stuff other then class, and that depressed me. A similar situation as before happened to me - I was basically all into someone who couldn't give two shits about me. It was painful to think about.

TL;DR version - I'm a no life nerd who wants to be a more interesting person, potentially seducing semi-attractive older women, or at least being able to be friends with them. The problem is I don't want to do things just to impress others - I don't see it as a good long run motivator. But most semi attractive women won't really be into a socially awkward guy who plays alot of video games. What do ?

[AnnonymousMan]

Fix the issues with yourself before trying to make things happen with another person.

[frampt2]

If you want to improve yourself, think about a hobby, like a sport, or going to the gym, learning a foerign language, playing an instrument etc, or anything that you could do in your spare time besides playing video games. Don't do it to impress others, do it because you want to. Think about what you would like doing, everyone has their own interests. Doing something like that, which you enjoy, will do good for your confidence and social skills, as you call them.

[fayde]

Fix the issues with yourself before trying to make things happen with another person.

I thought I should do this but I never had the motivation to until this kicked in. How should I fix them ?

If you want to improve yourself, think about a hobby, like a sport, or going to the gym, learning a foerign language, playing an instrument etc, or anything that you could do in your spare time besides playing video games. Don't do it to impress others, do it because you want to. Think about what you would like doing, everyone has their own interests. Doing something like that, which you enjoy, will do good for your confidence and social skills, as you call them.

Hmm ok.. it's just hard to find internal motivation for anything else. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough :/

[frampt2]

Video games shouldn't be the focal point of your free time, because in a way, it kind of moves you away from reality.

I used to be like you when I was younger, it is fun to play video games and you may think you're happy, but after a while you realise that there's something lacking in your life. You are now beggining to understand that. Focusing on other things in life will make you happier. I wouldn't worry too much about your situation because you know exactly what's wrong, it's just a matter of how you choose to change it, and you have plenty of time to do so, so no pressure. Good luck!

[fayde]

Thanks man... I'll have to figure out what to focus on

[Wakeup]

it's just hard to find internal motivation for anything else.

you have motivation to meet women. Find something that is of interest to you that women also like doing... you'll find lots of women there. Don't ask too many personal questions too soon. It's creepy when a guy keeps asking personal stuff about you when you're not yet at the "I trust him" stage. Asl general questions about her likes and own hobbies things like that and listen to her. Then tell some of your own interests. You don't have any.. so you have to work on that part of your life.

Video gaming is not an interest.. if that's all you do then it's an addiction... an addiction that will do NOTHING to help you get over your social anxiety/awkwardness.

[fayde]

Thanks for the advice.

Thing is, I don't have the motivation to meet women. I just get obsessed over one every once in a while.

[AnnonymousMan]

Thanks for the advice.

Thing is, I don't have the motivation to meet women. I just get obsessed over one every once in a while.

That is a form of laziness my good friend. Like being to lazy to get up to change the channel, you are so used to having everything handed to you such as the remote and microwave meals. A good thing actually takes effort unless you want women handed to you in the form of a prostitute.

[fayde]

That is a form of laziness my good friend. Like being to lazy to get up to change the channel, you are so used to having everything handed to you such as the remote and microwave meals. A good thing actually takes effort unless you want women handed to you in the form of a prostitute.

I don't know, apparently according to some people it's enough to be yourself, you shouldn't have to 'work' too hard, or 'work' at all as far as this aspect of life goes. But being myself wouldn't get me far probably

[AnnonymousMan]

I don't know, apparently according to some people it's enough to be yourself, you shouldn't have to 'work' too hard, or 'work' at all as far as this aspect of life goes. But being myself wouldn't get me far probably

Pursuing a woman takes all of your effort unless you want to sit back and wait for a woman to pursue you. Even getting into a relationship takes effort on yours and hers part to meet 50/50 in the middle. It all requires effort.

What they mean by being yourself is you do not have to change who you are. A girl should like you for who you are. But a girl is not going to like your bad qualities or negative things about you. You have to change yourself into a better person and fix your own insecurities which will only make you more attractive to women.

[searock]

I don't have the motivation to meet women. I just get obsessed over one every once in a while.

You should see a therapist for this.

[fayde]

AnonymousMan, aren't negative qualities part of who you are ? That's what confuses me. And I'm confused about the distinction between negative and positive too...

You should see a therapist for this.

Really ? I thought it was normal for someone who gets no attention from the opposite sex.

[searock]

It's not normal to become obsessed with anything, especially another person whom you likely don't even know.

[Love'sReject]

AnonymousMan, aren't negative qualities part of who you are ? That's what confuses me. And I'm confused about the distinction between negative and positive too...



Really ? I thought it was normal for someone who gets no attention from the opposite sex.

It is, really, despite what others say. I'm witya, dawg. This describes me.