How can i handle this situation and my emotions.

[Zh3nK]

Hi there guys,

So i met this girl on a new years party and the sparks totally flew, we had so much in common and not being in a relationship for a long time because of trust issues and waiting for the right one i actually decided that she was so perfect i just had to try, we have been seeing each other for a month now and being really kind of serious really quickly i have been feeling very emotionally attached to her knowing she is the girl i want to marry, but here are the hurdles i have to overcome. She broke up with her ex 3 months before we met after a 4 year relationship, he apparently tried to slit his wrists because she left him but the problem is he is staying with her and her parents on the same yard in a flat at the back, he apparently does not have anywhere else to go and her parents dont want to just kick him out because then he sits without the job he has in the town and accomodation is really expensive in the town they are living in. She moved out from the apartment and is staying in her old room, now with me being the kind of jealous one and feeling sooo emotionally attached to her and scared of losing her im totally losing my mind, she stays in a town about 30miles away from me so we dont see each other that often, lets say for 4 days after each week because she works shifts on the mine, she is also kind of the sexual kind with piercings you know where, have had a threesome (which she said she will never do again) , had a nude photoshoot once and well, we slept together the first night we met, and that wasnt even her rebound, she slept with some other guy after she and her ex broke up, on the other hand i really believe that she has serious feelings for me and said that if i get my new job she would totally move out of the house she is living in now and move in with me where ever i have to go.
When she is with me i dont get these feelings of being scared to lose her or jealousy, i have spoken with her and told her that her ex still living on the same yard as her will become a problem and she totally understands it but cannot do anything about it because its her parents house and she cannot afford moving out on her own, hence waiting for me so we can move in together, another thing is im a total new sort of guy for her where she previously had boyfriends with alot of tatoos and tunnels in their ears etc. and im just not into showing that i am "metal" , i have a lip piercing but thats it. I just want to stop feeling these emotions of not being wanted and insecurity and dont have this total paralyzing fear of losing her because she is the one!
I just want to be able to have patience and overcome these temporary obstacles but i am totally too emotional and crazy about her and too impatient to just leave it, i tend to speak to her about it, we havent argued about it yet and she seems understanding but does not seem to do anything about it because she became very hard emotionally after being hurt in her previous relationship and i need the attention to re assure me that i dont need to worry and everything is gonna work out, but im scared im chasing her off with that. Btw she is 27 and i am 26, Please i need help to handle this and not screw this up, i will never forgive myself for letting my dream girl which will most likely be my wife go and push her away because of my constant worries.
PS. i have had anxiety and well it being anxiety you never really get rid of it. Please please help im starting to feel so helpless that i might lose her during this phase of trying to overcome our temporary obstacles. I have serious trust and abandonment issues and i know why, but i just cant seem to trust women.
In my 6 years of not committing to a relationship i have been able to ruin 4 relationships because the women just didnt have any sense of respect and control over their feelings and well, i am very good at picking up girls and for me seeing how easy it was for girls to lose self control i just dont trust them. I know not all of them are the same but i cant seem to face that fact.

[michelle23]

She was with him for four years and she must have loved him. 3 months is too soon for her to start something new with you. Please be careful not to become her rebound. That is normally what happens in situations like this.

I dont think you are ready for a relationship either. Your insecurity/anxiety has led you down the road of using women for sex and you clearly lack respect for yourself and women in general. I think you should get some counselling and figure out what you want.

Your insecurity and lack of trust will ruin every relationship you are ever in until you deal with it. Sorry to be blunt here but its the truth.

[Zh3nK]

Hi Michelle thanks for your reply,

Ok so I understand where you coming from with the rebound thing, and I expressed my concerns for that the very first time we met and decided to become a couple and she totally re assured me that I am not a rebound and that she and her EX were living 2 seperate lives for about a year before she left him, so I may be wrong but I am pretty confident to believe what she told me regarding that.

I also understand that my anxiety/insecurity is a very wrong thing to have in any relationship but that is why i posted here to ask for help on how to deal with it and just handle this thing as good as i can and make a success of it, as for the quote that i use women for sex is totally untrue, I never slept with the girls whos relationships I have ruined, I was just myself around them every time and they fell for me for some reason and that is not what i wanted, so no, I do not use women for sex at all, and have not had sex with anyone I did not care for. My problem is trusting my new girl because of past issues I had and experiences and well the fact that we dont see each other alot and the whole ex situation. I just want some guidance and tips on how to work on myself and make a success of this.

[michelle23]

Sorry I thought that's what you meant when you said you ruined 4 relationships and have no problem "picking up women" I thought you meant one night stands etc... Men and women are not really supposed to be close friends as we always end up developing feelings so in future you should probably hang out with male friends and only make time for one special girl. Being friends with someone when your in a relationship nearly always ends in tears as it gets confusing...

I'm not sure what to say really. A friend of mine started a relationship with a girl who had just split up with her ex after 6 years. She told him that she had not been happy for 18 months and there relationship was over a long time etc but then she dumped my friend and ran straight back to her ex. Even if she has no intention of making you a rebound, it could still happen.

If you find it difficult to trust women then you should not go out with anyone until you are sure you trust her completely. And you should discuss these fears and ensure you are both on the same page. There are lots of trustworthy women

[michelle23]

Also you have to remember you cannot control what other people do-only what you do and as long as you treat women the way you expect to be treated, then if someone hurts you, you can walk away with your head held high.

This helped me when I was going through an insecure phase.

[Zh3nK]

Ok great and thanks again for the replies, well at the moment i feel that if im only the rebound she would make a huge mistake of going back to him, what ive seen and heard of him he is a very unpredictable guy with no real future and has alot of bad habits and a very bad anger issue, so yes im feeling confident that im the better guy and that she would really make a mistake leaving me for him, problem is just that im really negative sometimes and get this dreaded feeling that im not worth anything, when i posted this, this morning i had a really bad nightmare last night about her cheating on me and leaving me ofcourse and i woke up really depressed and not full of hope, so the only thing for me is to try and find a way to get rid of our obstacles as soon as possible. And mind you today a real oppertunity arose that could help us, so im feeling a bit more positive, i will still get those waves of jealousy and abandonment issues i just need to learn to handle them and ride through them and not bother her with it.

Thanks alot for your insight.

[basilandthyme]

Zh3nk, 3 months is plenty of time if she was well and truly over him when they broke up. I met the love of my life when I was 3 months separated from my ex-husband. That was 20 years ago and we're still together and he's still the love of my life. Had he been given advice (and listened to the advice) about it being too early for me, we would never have made our wonderful life together.

It sounds to me like her parents are enabling this guy. I hope therapy is a condition of him having the flat - otherwise he may never move out.

Do you go to her house and visit? Does he know that she's moved on and is seeing you? If so, I wouldn't worry too much about him being there. Quite frankly, he probably feels worse about the whole thing than you do. I mean, he's seeing her move on and have a great life and he's still stuck in desperation.

[michelle23]

No prob. Stop worrying, relax and enjoy your time together. If she hurts u its her loss. Remind yourself of all the good things about yourself everyday and why any girl would be lucky to have u. Then if she messes it up you will just learn from it, it will make u stronger and u can meet someone better

u have to believe in yourself and love urself for who you are. With the right attitude and confidence u will attract and keep the kind of girl u want. I hope it all works out for you.

[Zh3nK]

Hi guys thanks for the replies,

I am happy now for the positive responses and as I said i was doubting a bit her dedication but we spoke yesterday and with me looking for a job she said that she would leave her job anyday when i get one and find a new job where i need to go for herself, she even went shopping today for new duvet's and asked if i was allergic for a feather duvet, so that means she is shopping already for when we move in together and so on. To answer your question yes i have visited but i staid in a guesthouse near her parents house because they didnt really have room for me, she staid with me in the guesthouse but we went to her house everyday, and her parents seem to approve of me, i saw her ex once when he left his flat and ofcourse when he saw my car there he took off like a fighter pilot with tires screaming and she just shook her head and said that i shouldnt mind him and that he was childish, he knows we are together since the second week so thats all. The reason i think her parents are keeping him is because he has therapy yes and was to rehab so he is a mess and they might just have a heart and not kick him out on the street. I am feeling really positive now and the thing is i just need to get myself work now and help her get work here so we can move in together as she said she will do.

[michelle23]

Try not to move too fast though OP. If you havnt been together long, living together may be a bad idea. Make sure you are doing the right thing