New 'experience' and unsure what to think!

[brokenhearted91]

Hey everyone, I really hope there is someone who can give me some advice because I don't have many people to talk to.

I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he was my first proper relationship but from the start we just clicked. In the August of the first year we were together he moved away to uni. Up till then, I guess (wrongly I know) I gave him a real hard time because selfishly I thought about how I was going to miss him. In his first week at uni, he was being really off and cold with me and he told me he wasn't sure if a relationship was what he wanted, I was devastated because he spent 9 months telling me how much he loved me and convincing me we would work. The day after he text me and said he had something to tell me, it turned out he cheated on me the night before. He apologised and told me he loved me etc and I was confused at what to do. Then he turned the situation around and said I can't be with you anymore after what has happened and we were done. I went to bed heartbroken again because the situation was out of my hands. The next morning I woke up and there was a text from him saying he wanted to speak to me and he was coming home and would I meet him because he loved me and wanted to find a way to stay together... So I said yes of course I love you to we can get though this etc. Then he dropped the bombshell on me and said "no, you don't understand, I slept with my flatmate last night, it was a mistake and it made me realise how much I love you". Long story short, we spoke about it, he was genuinely heartbroken at what he'd done and said he would do anything to win my trust back and have me. So I took him back (some would think stupidly) but to this date I don't regret that decision because he did work hard to make the relationship work.

One time when I was up visiting him, he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, he said he couldn't deal with the way I treated him and it wasn't fair, that he was trying so hard to make things up to me and I was making the relationship difficult and making it difficult for him. I begged him, told him I'd change and even arranged to see a councillor to try talk about my anger and he agreed to give me another chance. Everything pretty much went back to normal.

Fast forward now a year or so, after my first year of uni, I moved to the same uni as him to be closer. The first year I was there we lived separately. We got on, a few arguments really (but not more so than normal couples). Later that year, my dad suffered a stroke and it made me hate being at uni so far away from home. I had a real downer on the place and it made me miserable.

For our last year, we moved into a flat together. However, the way I was speaking to him and treating him was wrong. He'd always try and comfort me, but I'd take out my misery on him about being at uni. I'd slag the place off (where he loves it) and I'd always concentrate on myself and never listen to his problems etc. He kept saying to me 'if you don't stop treating me like this you'll lose me' but he said it so often I never really took notice. When things weren't bad, our relationship was lovely. He was thoughtful with me, told me he loved me, we laughed, we spent some nice times together. We celebrates our 3rd anniversary, and he bought me a present (even though we said we weren't going to) and he text me when he was on a night out saying that he loved me more than I could imagine and he wanted my by his side in the future. A couple of days later I went back up to uni after Christmas and I was miserable because I was going back. Up until I got there we were okay, normal, when I got there I did something to annoy him and the next day he said he can't see anything else to so apart from to end it because of the way he felt. I was shocked but didn't think much of it because he said stuff before.

That was nearly 3 and a half weeks ago now. I came back home because I was so heartbroken, we've barely spoke to each other (which hurts considering he was the one that used to ring me and text me all day) and he told me that he can't see a future now and that I'm an example of a good person doing bad things and we have to do something different.

I am absolutely gutted, I can't believe this is happening because I genuinely love him so much (and as cliche as it sounds, I do think we are meant to be together). We've been through so much and I just don't want this to be the end. I really wanted some other opinions of the situation to see what others think etc so I know really what my next move should be. If I am to finish uni, I've no choice but to go back and still live with him.

I apologise for the long post, but I wanted to give background to our relationship incase it helps form an opinion. Thanks so much in anticipation for any help/advice. X

[spiritofjosh]

if it were that up and down from the start, especially if he cheated on you than it most likely will be the same ongoing process over and over. he may never cheat on you again, but he still may feel the same way about how you act, causing repetition.

if I were you I'd lay low and let him think things over for himself, without you talking to him, certainly not begging. just be aware that if you do get back together are you ok with feeling happy to be with your boyfriend but potentially go back to where you are now?

[brokenhearted91]

The thing is, there were issues he had that took a while for him to change but he did change them, these are my issues I need to change and stop being so selfish and self centred about how miserable I am and passing it onto him. My family even say to me stop been so miserable and taking it out on others. I can truly see how my behaviour was affecting him, and I've never been more willing to change these things in my life. I know people will probably say "why didn't you change these things before this happened". Truth is, I was stupid enough to think that all the times he said he'd leave he was doing it for a reaction (like the boy who called wolf), But now i really want to fix things. He said he missed the old me, and thats who i want to be again - not just for him, but for me and my family too. For the first time in ages, I can see a future that we talked about for ourselves. I'm not trying to delude myself into thinking that there isn't a chance this is over for good, but I really wish there was something I could do which could help the situation because I know how stubborn he is sometimes.

[spiritofjosh]

I'm in a similar situation for different reasons, and ultimately something out of my control. I had to try and change who I was too, but some people believe "tigers don't change their spots" so maybe it's hard for him to believe you'll change for good?

[ashley89]

he tries to blame you for his problems. he gets "mad" at you and then uses his anger as an excuse to go cheat on you, and you put up with it, forgive him and go back every time. he realizes he can get away with this behavior which is why the relationship keeps going on. you need to realize that this guy is no good, he can basically treat you like crap and do whatever he wants cause he knows you're just gonna forgive him and let him walk all over you. I would think long and hard about whether this is someone you really want to be with. it sounds like you both have had issues from the start and they seem to be progressively getting worse...

[michelle23]

He holds all the power in this relationship. Its like your his puppet and hes holding the strings. He has you so low and insecure your practically kissing his toes. This is unhealthy and u clearly love him a lot more than he loves you.

You should never have taken him back when he cheated. He has hurt you many times since then and the fact that your willing to forgive him so readily without any consequences means you are just given him a reason to have less respect for you.

You are clinging to him for dear life and your dependancy on him is sad. You need to learn what is not good for you and realize you can do better.

He blames all your relationship problems on you without accepting any responsibility. I think you need to wake up here, take back your self respect and pride and learn to live without him. He will never make you happy

[michelle23]

You also keep talking about changing yourself for him to make him happy. That is ridiculous. The reason you are miserable all the time is because of the way he treats ypu not because you are a miserable person by nature. Forget him girl. A relationship is supposed yo be fun. When it hurts this much, with so much drama, hurt and pain--the only option left is to walk away

[brokenhearted91]

The cheating issue was over two and a half years ago, we talked it through and sorted things out. It's never been an issue since then. I'm not saying I'm 100% to blame in anyway, but what I am saying is my behaviour has been wrong and I feel like its understandable he's upset. Especially when he has tried to change and I haven't. I'm not talking about changing myself for him, I'm talking about changing myself for me. I have become a miserable depressed person who just thinks about myself and no one else because I live somewhere where I feel so lonely - that isn't going to help any of my relationships. Whether I am with my boyfriend or not, this needs to change. But I am scared now that I have blown all my chances to make things right in this relationship.

[michelle23]

But how many times has he dumped you? Seriously. I've been with my boyfriend almost 5 years, we have never split up, never had a break, never any cheating etc.. I dont understand why you keep putting up with it. Its sounds like he takes the easy way out each time something goes wrong and leaves you heartbroken and then each time you get back with him, you just feel more and more insecure.

And everyone goes through tough times where there just fed up, anxious, depressed. You cannot be skipping around all the time singing and bursting with joy. Its called life. That is no reason for him to cheat on you or bail on you. Lets face it here. When things are good-hes great. When things are bad-hes immature and leaves you in the lurch

[michelle23]

And you just keep making excuses for him and taking him back and I presume its because "you love him". Sometimes love is not enough. I think you are much more invested in him than he is in you. He has never had to fight for you to win you back, never had to prove anything, never any consequences to his behavior etc, has never really proven his love for you and the fact that he keeps hurting you says it all.

I don't know why you are still with him. Also did you ever think the reason you started being angry towards him and selfish etc is because he broke your trust and cheated on you so therefore you no longer felt safe or secure with him and could not cope with that?? Once someone cheats-its over, broken and it will never be the same..

[spiritofjosh]

I'm in a similar situation for different reasons, and ultimately something out of my control. I had to try and change who I was too, but some people believe "tigers don't change their spots" so maybe it's hard for him to believe you'll change for good?

I actually meant say tigers don't change their stripes but was also thinking of leopards and their spots, oops.

[Lubna]

Good ............................