Moving away to college, want to break up, need advice :/ (lgbt)

[taffyjoe]

Okay, so. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years. It will be 4 years this June. We've dated in high school when I was about 17 (I'm 20 now, she's the same age). I love her and I care about her and we've been through a looooot. I know that she loves me so much and would do anything for me. She's also never done anything wrong. I should feel extremely lucky and grateful to have her love but honestly, sometimes I don't feel that way. Sometimes I feel like the spark is gone even though we have good sex.

This Fall I'm going to be transferring to a college 4 hours away from my family and her. Originally, I thought I wanted her to move in with me but I decided against it and am moving in with my friend who goes to that school. I feel like I need to be single when I'm away at college because I've never really been independent or single, really. BUT I really, really, really, really, don't want to hurt her and I feel horrible because I know she wants it to work out and she wants to visit me ever so often. The dilemma is that I might regret my decision and might lose out on a love people dream of. All in all I wish I didn't have these feelings because someone else's heart is at expense.

help me?

[michelle23]

First of all the "spark" you are talking about is BS. There is no such thing. Real love feels calm, relaxed, comfortable-not crazy exciting butterflies. If thats what you mean?? Look up the difference between infatuation and love. Also look up the 9stages of a relationship and look up thinking the grass is greener. You should also look up the signs of a healthy relationship. This should help you to make a decision.

You need to do what is best for you but once its over-its over so you need to be sure you are making the right decision as there is no going back.

[toknow]

How convenient.

You want to be free so you can fool around in college. Whether you are consciously doing it or not, this is what is happening. Let me make it easier for you, you don't love that girl, so it's a lost cause. Why do so many people have hard time understanding the definition of commitment... Because, it's hard for them to love someone when and be selfish at the same time. Love and selfishness are two completely opposite things.

The fact that you are having a hard time staying with her because of the prospect of fun at uni also shows you don't love her.

[michelle23]

It is normal to have doubts by the way but you are right about never meeting someone so great for you again. This girl may have set your standards so high that you will never meet someone better.

It is your decision though. If you really want to break up-do it now but be honest. It is not because you are moving away because she can go with you. Tell her the real reason why you want to end it and then let her go.

[toknow]

Real love feels calm, relaxed, comfortable-not crazy exciting butterflies

Completely disagree, michelle. There have been couples who have remained "crazy in love" for over 40-50 years. Studies have shown they have retained their feelings of excitement and euphoria as in the beginning of their relationship.
Yes, it's very rare, but definitely not impossible.

[taffyjoe]

All valid points. The thing is, I do love her. I really do. She gets me like no one else ever has and I can be myself around her but I've had these like, reoccuring thoughts and feelings of just wanting to be "free" (i think it's just my personality) but am I being delusional? Is the grass really ever greener on the other side? I just don't know and that's why I'm conflicted/having such a hard time with this. Should I stay with her and hope those feelings go away? Or should I break up and fck everything up? This, I don't know....

Also, I appreciate the replies.

[michelle23]

Completely disagree, michelle. There have been couples who have remained "crazy in love" for over 40-50 years. Studies have shown they have retained their feelings of excitement and euphoria as in the beginning of their relationship.
Yes, it's very rare, but definitely not impossible.

if you believe that all those crazy feelings at the start are love then you probably wont have a relationship last past 2years.. Euphoria is much different to anxiety and bursting with excitement. Love is comfortable, secure, safe, happy and warm

[toknow]

That's the thing that if you had true love you wouldn't feel restricted at all or feeling lack of freedom. It's obvious love isn't present there or you would not feel incomplete in any way.

[michelle23]

Tafgyjoe: nobody can make that decision for you. Maybe take a 2week break with no contact and see how you feel then.

[surfhb2]

You're incredibly smart!

At 20 you're still developing as a person....you will be a different person in 5 years...believe me. You saying "the spark is gone" is an example of that. Keeping every possible option open while you're in school is a good plan. After school you can hopefully get back together and see how things go.

But at this point in life it's important to concentrate on yourself. Nothing worse to see 2 20 year old start out this early as a couple when there is so much more to do.

Study hard and play hard. Save settling down (ie: moving in) for your late 20s and 30s

Just an opinion from an old guy who's been there done that

[michelle23]

Like i said already- it is normal to have some doubts. That doesnt mean that you are not happy though or that you shouldnt be together. Weigh up the pros and cons- the good and bad and see what you want. Are you sure its not just insecurity or low self esteem trying to push her away or trying to look for flaws where there arnt any?

[toknow]

if you believe that all those crazy feelings at the start are love then you probably wont have a relationship last past 2years.. Euphoria is much different to anxiety and bursting with excitement. Love is comfortable, secure, safe, happy and warm

Love from at first sight exists, as unnatural it might seem to those who could never experience it. Love being comfortable? Love is a strong emotion, there is nothing subtle about it. What you are talking about is not love, it's attachment. You can feel that toward a dog you've had for a while.

[michelle23]

You're incredibly smart!

At 20 you're still developing as a person....you will be a different person in 5 years...believe me. Keeping every possible option open while you're in school is a good plan. After school you can hopefully get back together and see how things go.

But at this point in life it's important to concentrate on yourself. Nothing worse to see 2 20 year old start out this early as a couple when there is so much more to do

Study hard and play hard. Save settling down (ie: moving in) for your late 20s and 30s

I have family that met quite young and are still together 40years later and very happy so i think age is irrelevant. You either grow together or grow apart and age is a really stupid reason to break up with someone.

[michelle23]

Love from at first sight exists, as unnatural it might seem to those who could never experience it. Love being comfortable? Love is a strong emotion, there is nothing subtle about it. What you are talking about is not love, it's attachment. You can feel that toward a dog you've had for a while.

Lol love at first site is infatuation-attachment comes later. And love is a very subtle feeling. Most people dont feel the extreme love/pain until they lose the kne they love

[toknow]

Lol love at first site is infatuation-attachment comes later. And love is a very subtle feeling. Most people dont feel the extreme love/pain until they lose the kne they love

Most people's euphoric feeling in the begginging is not true love, that is correct it's infatuation, BUT there is love at first sight and the feeling is even stronger in its intensity. The "love" you believe in is the "love" you are going to get. It's funny that people who don't have something and most could never experience it say it doesn't exist, whether they do it consciously or subconsciously they do it to make themselves feel better and not like they are missing out on something. But, ignorance is not bliss, it's a lie that doesn't last.