He's Changed

[rin287]

I have been noticing that my boyfriend is becoming more demanding, nags about the smallest things all the time, everything seems to be my fault etc. He is the type to make all the plans he likes for himself, but does not like it when I have my own. He is extremely jealous, especially when I have some sort of contact with other guys, and puts off every achievement I might acquire.

I have been researching and this type of behaviour is the controlling type; possessiveness and ultimately results in emotional abuse. I told him about it and he seems to think that I'm the only one at fault and doesn't accept that he's a controlling guy. Lately there is election coming up and there seems to be no time for me. He supports the political party I do not support, and does not invite me to any of their events, although he does considerable effort to organize them. He goes to meetings alone with friends, Sundays, but although he sees me almost every day, I feel left out. Not to mention that he is also involved in a feast committee, feast decorations, events related to feasts etc!! Which take up quite a lot of his year. He doesn't seem willing to let them go because of me.

I know the relationship seems to be wrecked but I would like to know how I can save this whole thing. I can be quite moody sometimes, have outbursts and shout at him whenever I'm upset, but that's just about it. Can I do anything to control this guy's behaviour and how can I make him interested in me again?!

It's easy to say just dump him, but I am looking for ways to improve the relationship before I can resort to that. Any ideas please?!

[basilandthyme]

The only thing you can change is yourself and your own attitudes. If you want to make him more interested in you, stop being moody, don't have outburts and don't yell at him. (Truth be told, this behaviour does not belong in any relationship) If you want to be involved in his political party events, then follow the mantra of his party and give your support to the cause.

But you can't change him. The jealousy, controlling and possessive traits are who he is unless HE wants to change.

[rin287]

I know I have some issues to work out by myself. Thing is, I don't know whether it will work or not. Honestly he pushes me too far, even joking excessively, and sometimes even ironically, which most of the time hurt me.

I do not overreact for nothing, it's usually because I have been hurt for so long.

I am trying to work on my behaviour and attitude, thing is, it feels as if he's trying to irritate me in some way to have an outburst again. It's hard to keep your cool with a person constantly trying to bring up an argument!

[basilandthyme]

If he's not bringing out your best, then end it.

[WasLost]

You have to do what's best for you.

[skav]

Try to be there for him when times are hard and become aware of what you feel. Sometimes we get frustrated when our partner is having a hard time. Catch this frustration and turn it into being gentle with him. Show him that you care at times when he needs it and forget your own feelings for a moment. Try to give him reassurance when he is jealous instead of getting angry about it. This way of acting might turn around his behaviour, he might give it back to you.

[smackie9]

You are spending way too much time together and need to go out and do your own thing with other people....especially you...you can't expect him to "entertain you" all the time....get a hobby or something to fill in your time with something constructive when he is busy.

[gp443]

i believe that if you are being falsely accused of bad things and that if he cant accept that he is obsessive, then its not your fault. i know you may want to save/rekindle your relationship, but his attitude must also be for it, and i see only pessimism.

[Boisdevie]

Why are you trying to save what seems to be a crappy relationship? Don't you think you can find someone better than this? Or do you like settling for second best? Scared to be single?

[Lissy0404]

Well, you love somebody for what they are, trying to change them means that you don't accept them, and if that the case, maybe you don't love him, or the inverse. From experience, I tell you that trying to change a man, is very hard, unless he is willing to do it on his own terms, not yours. You can try to be the best you can, this way if it works or if it not works, either way you will take with you a new and better qualities...

[Wakeup]

Can I do anything to control this guy's behaviour and how can I make him interested in me again?!

Sorry, but I lol'd at that statement. You lament about he is a "controlling guy" in your beginning and then you end with wanting to do exactly what you say he is.

Once you realize that you can't control anyone but yourself, I think you'll either have the balls to leave this guy or, you'll quit your yelling and outburts because you're not getting your own way. You can tell him that you're not happy with the lack of attention and then you can wait and see if he values you enough to make some changes. If he makes no changes then you should leave. It's really that simple.

[TopCat]

I tried to send you a private message but as a new member the forum won't think outside the box,rules & regulations when they are wrong sometimes like our life need tweaking! The irish man was being naughty it would seem, so for you especially honey & everybody else that wants to benifit from the shortened version....
The advice you sincerely seek,for your dilemma...my input would be.....
"Always go with your heart & soul...listen to what they are telling you,they don't give you a feeling for nothing, go with it, but be *cautious all the same, don't let other chatter or other voices cloud over & take from your initial gut feeling, look to keep plenty of love in your heart and top it up daily with a positive attitude & lot's of love & happiness with every day you're given, we never know when our bright new day we've been given... could become our last,& equally so...the beauty hope & adventure it can have In store for us x as far as we know there are no re-runs,it's our only shot at life, loose the sadness train,switch tracks and ride the train of happiness in search of unconditional love !

[michelle23]

You said he does whatever he wants whenever he wants but expects you to do what your told to do. That is double standards which is one thing i personally would not tolerate.

And controlling, possessive, jealous and hurtful is one thing i would run a mile from. You cant fix him or change him so if you are miserable-walk away.

I know thats not what you want to hear but i dont think there is another solution

[IndiReloaded]

You said he does whatever he wants whenever he wants but expects you to do what your told to do. That is double standards which is one thing i personally would not tolerate.

And controlling, possessive, jealous and hurtful is one thing i would run a mile from. You cant fix him or change him so if you are miserable-walk away.

Basically you have 2 healthy choices for yourself in a relationship like this:

1. If you want to try to make things work, then tell him to go f.uck himself (figuratively) when he tries to be controlling. Say no if it's not what you want. If he doesn't like it, *he* can leave. Be ready, he might. Truly controlling people don't like to be challenged.

2. If you are fed up, then just leave. Don't waste a second in a relationship where you can't be yourself. It will be misery for you both.

Come back and let us know which you chose and how it went.