Boyfriend vs Family

[vashti]

Yes, you are right. I'm afraid of her, I know her well and when it comes to do something that I know she won't agree, it is like the end of the world.

So what does she DO that is so scary, you can't handle it? Does she beat you? Threaten to throw you out? Withhold food?

You know, sometimes a person's fear is disproportionate because of their own psyche (this is especially common with children/parents). A mother yelling isn't a catastrophe. Is it possible you just need to get a thicker skin? I mean, I would yell too, if someone dropped a living thing on my doorstep. Is your mother not entitled to a normal range of human emotions because you are more sensitive than average?

[pcmaster]

Just tell him: You are my dog and Im your bitch.

As far as your mum goes, shes russian right? They express their emotions openly(my mum is russian too). Just at some point you have to stand up for those you love(especially yourself) and say: No more !
If she screams you have the rights to scream too. No one is better than you, no one have rights to put you under them or make you fear.

[ancaaa]

You are 21 years old = an adult. So YOU decide who is your boyfriend and if your mum does not like that, well it's none of her business. But to be treated like an adult perhaps you need to act like an adult and live in your own place.

She thinks I'm a child, she really said that a few days ago. As you can see, I'm 21 years old so I'm still in college.

[ancaaa]

So what does she DO that is so scary, you can't handle it? Does she beat you? Threaten to throw you out? Withhold food?

You know, sometimes a person's fear is disproportionate because of their own psyche (this is especially common with children/parents). A mother yelling isn't a catastrophe. Is it possible you just need to get a thicker skin? I mean, I would yell too, if someone dropped a living thing on my doorstep. Is your mother not entitled to a normal range of human emotions because you are more sensitive than average?

You know, I never thought about this. I find yelling and arguing all the time is the worst for me. She just knows what my weakness, plus I think the she will overreact when I try to walk woth her and change something.
The only thing she does is to stay upset on me for weeks and everytime she tells people another version, including to my father, so you can understand how I feel around other that I lied my mother.

[pcmaster]

I promised him many times that I would change our relationship, but I didn't.

What did you promised but did not?

Just because your mother said she dont wana see him shouldnt be enought to disapear. You still need him and thats the most importand. Just have a feeeling that theres something deeper than just poppy incident involved. I know its not my bussines, just curious what could be that other reason.

[ancaaa]

I promised him many times that I would change our relationship, but I didn't.

What did you promised but did not?

Just because your mother said she dont wana see him shouldnt be enought to disapear. You still need him and thats the most importand. Just have a feeeling that theres something deeper than just poppy incident involved. I know its not my bussines, just curious what could be that other reason.

I promised him that I will try to change her, to let us go in a vacation together, or stay somewhere over night, but she didn't accept that because I wasn't 21 years old. When I turned 21, she found other reasons not to allow us to leave the town.

To be honest, I know the reason, my mother is afraid that if I stay overnight with my boyfriend, then that thing...will happen. So she tries to get him out of my life.

[bearz]

She can't control you anymore, you are an adult now. She needs to come to terms with that, you are not her little baby anymore. You really need to have a discussion with her about you becoming more independent and her needing to let go. You don't even have to bring up your boyfriend because this is really only about your mom. What about your other family members like your father, are they usually easier to talk to?

[ancaaa]

She can't control you anymore, you are an adult now. She needs to come to terms with that, you are not her little baby anymore. You really need to have a discussion with her about you becoming more independent and her needing to let go. You don't even have to bring up your boyfriend because this is really only about your mom. What about your other family members like your father, are they usually easier to talk to?

It is about my boyfriend because she affected a relation that will be so good for me if she can accept that I'm old enough. I talked with her many times about myself, but she has a gift,probably, to think that he taught me what to do.
I know it is my mistake, she was doing the same thing with me during my childhood, but then I was thinking I was only a child and she will change. I met him when she allowed me to date(-at 19) and after a while I knew I wanted a different life. I'm always jealous on my friemds, the same age that they have a good relation with their family or girl/boyfriend too.

As for my father, he was always neutral, buf he promised that he will try to help me.

[bearz]

Right now it is about your boyfriend, but that is not the real issue. You said this earlier:

"Yes, you are right. I'm afraid of her, I know her well and when it comes to do something that I know she won't agree, it is like the end of the world."

This has nothing to do with your boyfriend, this is her not letting you live your own life. I can understand that parents want to control their children while they still live underneath their roof, but there should be limits and your mom clearly doesn't seem to have any in that regard. I went through some rough patches with my parents before, especially my dad. There was a period of a few weeks in which I didn't even talk to him at all. But eventually my parents and I sat down and talked about everything. You can't run from a problem, it'll always catch up to you at some point.

[ancaaa]

I understand what to say, I don't want to have a bad relation with my mother, but I want to start building my own life and take my own decisions.
Today I talked with my boyfriend, he seemed affected, but he wanted to continue our relationship if I sort things with my mother and accept us. I hope this can motive me. Thank you for your advice, I'm sorry that you had difficult times with your father, but the same you did I would try to have a serious talk with my mom.

[bearz]

After all she is your mother and I'm pretty sure she does love you. She has a right to be worried and wanting to protect her daughter. But like I said, there have to be boundaries when the daughter is 21 years old. She's not going to change over night even if you manage to talk to her. Your boyfriend also needs to understand this and not pressure you in that regard. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you can make your mom understand how you feel and have her give you more freedom.

[basilandthyme]

I agree that when I read that it sounded a bit odd, like buying her a tea kettle when she already has one she uses every day

All those teapot gifts are really odd. At least unwanted teapots don't end up in the pound and having to be euthanised. Not saying the OP will do this, but that is the fate of a lot of 'gift' animals. I mean, who wants to be surprised with a gift which requires 15 years of commitment and care?

[ancaaa]

All those teapot gifts are really odd. At least unwanted teapots don't end up in the pound and having to be euthanised. Not saying the OP will do this, but that is the fate of a lot of 'gift' animals. I mean, who wants to be surprised with a gift which requires 15 years of commitment and care?

You are not right, I take care and love my dogs, they have their own space and never thought of getting my dogs to pound, as the previous 5 were all adopted. He knew that I loved animals and if it were other conditions it would have been a really nice gift.

[ancaaa]

After all she is your mother and I'm pretty sure she does love you. She has a right to be worried and wanting to protect her daughter. But like I said, there have to be boundaries when the daughter is 21 years old. She's not going to change over night even if you manage to talk to her. Your boyfriend also needs to understand this and not pressure you in that regard. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you can make your mom understand how you feel and have her give you more freedom.

Thank you. I get what you say, trust me, I had some talks with her in the past, but she agreed sometimes or said" Let me think" and after a while she forgot everything. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow, as we haven't spoken for a few days.

[Rowen]

All those teapot gifts are really odd. At least unwanted teapots don't end up in the pound and having to be euthanised. Not saying the OP will do this, but that is the fate of a lot of 'gift' animals. I mean, who wants to be surprised with a gift which requires 15 years of commitment and care?

I agree, but at the same time, the main issue here is her fear of her mother. She needs to stand up for herself and come to an understanding with her that she's growing up. That it doesn't mean she loves her mother any less or that she hates her or doesn't value her opinion- just that, in the end, her mother needs to recognize her wishes and what she wants out of life.