No, i am a bit narcassistic, i have always seen my self as royalty in some sense, much of it having to do with things that happened in the past, like when i was younger and used to go to my parent's native country, everyone would say, would say.. "wow( insert my moms name) your son is very handsome, how come he is so white, he has beautiful blue eyes,", etc, etc, i was always treated as a prince because of how i looked, and as very smart because i remember when i was younger i would show off i knew how to multiply or something to my less educated cousins who were even older than me, on top of that my father for example is very arrogant but hes delusional in a way i couldnt ever dream of being, and instilled in me a sense of intelligence, my mother instilled in me a sense of responsibleness, so i grew up as someone who felt good about him self, was mature above his years, was calm under arguments, got very good grades, and thought very highly of my self because i lived up to it, i was smart i suppose, i was lauded so much, i looked nice, and it was great, i got an identity of being a very composed person, wise in a sense.
But then im also filled with many insecurities that i myself can spot and admit to which i find is atleast part of that personality i just described that makes me feel kinda "smart"...
Ive always been a bit introverted so i can be socially awkward and for the last 2 years ive cared about my looks like never before, to the point where smackie might be correct when saying i may be worst than chicks with anorexia in that the way ive focused on my looks is so deep that someone less capable could have gone crazy or worst...i dont allow my self to feel like what i perceive an idiot would feel, or cut my self like emo people would do for example because it doesnt come to mind and if it does id look at it as a violation to who i "Am", along with anxiety problems sometimes, i might see people talk and point out, hey that guy was trying to impose himself on that guy, or i might say in my mind, how will i react, how do i have to act in order to impose my self on this guy in this argument, how do i make sure i put this guy down, etc, and those are insecurities i see...
But sometimes i feel so quick witted, great arguments, great communication..
Bff i can be a bit of a "controlled" mess..i dont even know how to put it.
And maybe im not ugly to others as i am to my self sometimes because i did go out on 2 dates with a gorgeous chick that looked like rashida jones ( she asked me out) and this other girl also asked me out to like a party because we were friends at that time and i said i wasnt interested in a nice way because i knew what she wanted and on top of that i didnt feel like going to the party ( all this like 7 months ago), and i have never been called ugly in my life either so who knows..for the most part if i ever felt down its been down to self obsession...
Like the witch from snow white or something..
I dont think most other guys really see them selves as i do, some may be bothered by how they look because they might not think they look cute or badass or something, but deep inside i guess i just see my self as a prince that i once was and i try to up hold my self to that image of grandeur..
Like i dont usually go around and say " hey that person is inferior to me", but something i used to say when i was little was, that guy is brown.. ( same nationality as me) he cant be better looking because im white, have blue eyes, and thus better!) I still have the confidence of looking at my self like that and saying, hey i have that charm! but then i smile the wrong way or under the wrong light and i feel like an asshole.
So the pedestal ive put my self in has been broken, and now i have to build a healthier platform or something along the lines.
The biggest thing that has bitten me the past 2 days is that this one girl seems to me atleast a bit curious to know me more based on what she has done and said, i post a thread about it, and ive talked to her, and she surely has seen pics of me on fb where i look nice but then i think to my self, GOD DAMN, if i really am ugly, am i just embarassing my self here with this chick!?
What i guess ill do is be her friend and accept who i am, but i guess you can all understand what ive gone through, ive said enough.