Boyfriend vs Family

[ancaaa]

Hello all, thank you for your replies and I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. Just to make things clear, my mother thinks that I'm too young to have a sexual relation, I have to wait at least one more year and my boyfriend knew that all the time. We spent time together, but I know that is hard for him.

So, after a week of talking with my mother and boyfriend I had to break up with him, because my mother considered that I need to focus on my studies and I have time to have a relation after I finish college(that will be in 4 years). On the other hand, my boyfriend didn't want to continue unless she changed her attitude towards him and to show him some trust. I can't please both of them, that is why I had to end everything.

[jessica13]

What next? Your mother gets to decide what degree you get? What job you are allowed to work? Where you live? Who you marry? How many kids you can have? What side of the living room you should put your TV? Will she come over to cut your meat when you are 35? Please, do not let her keep making decisions for you! She will continue as long as you let her.

The puppy was an inappropriate gift but that is not the biggest problem here. Standing up for yourself is. Your bf could not possibly win! He's competing with a pro! Listen to her since she loves you and has more experience, but let her know in no uncertain terms that this is your life. You are allowed to make your own choices even if you make mistakes. At 21, you will. We all do. Our mothers can watch us fall off a cliff, but their only duty once we're adults is to offer advice - which we have the choice to accept.. or not!

[smackie9]

Not a lot of people get to have a paid education, I suspect you are a privileged few where you live. Why blow your future over some bull s hit as this. You can find another BF, of have a few BFs. Focus on getting an education, so you can secure a financially independent future. I can see why your mother is protective. She doesn't want you to live in poverty raising babies with some poor shlep. I don't care if you are 21....I know a lot of immature 21 years old that don't know there ass from a hole in the ground. I agree the puppy was inappropriate and it makes me wonder what your BF's motivation was for that....to win your heart because there are issues in your relationship? or to cause crap with your mother to get you to stand up to her. Either way your BF is a douche for getting pissed at your mom's reaction. He needs to be more respectful of her....I bet he has pulled off other crap like this to show dominance over her. He needs to stuff that big ass ego somewhere else.

[jessica13]

I think he got her a puppy because she loves animals. Simple as that.

And if a free education means someone else gets to dictate your life, it's too a high price to pay.

I say all this not to be cruel but because I have this kind of mother. Even after I married she still tried to rule me. It took a LOT of reinforcing to stop her from trying to run my life. After awhile, she finally became my friend. I just sometimes have to keep my "friend" in check. Friendship with my mother today is priceless, but it took a lot to get to this point. But well worth the effort.

[smackie9]

You live in the privileged United States. In Russia it's a very different way of life. What is 5 star there is not even one star where you live. after the iron curtain fell, life is even worse. To add I'm talking to Jade ...this thread is not about you.

[jessica13]

I think Jade is a different thread. Was trying to help a young girl whose mother sounds similar to mine. But what do I know about life, love, parents or puppies.. I live in the privileged USA.

Best of luck to you, ancaaa. I hope you find your way and wish you much happiness.

[smackie9]

Sorry Jess I meant Ancaaa thank you for correcting that. My point is people from all over the world post on this forum, and what I have learned is that you have to take cultural, and religious differences into consideration before providing advice. There are a lot of cultures that do not allow the child to challenge or stand up to their parents despite what we in North America can get away with. You are passionate about gaining independence from a mother that is over domineering , I also had a mother like this, and I didn't challenge what you know from your experience, I challenge the advice given. This girl can't lose this education, because her life will be in poverty if she does. In Russia there are the very rich and very the poor and very little in between. Marrying into money or getting an education are her only choices for a decent life.


Acaaa is just a young lady who didn't get her way. Her mother didn't want another animal to take care of, and more money to be spent on something they didn't need. Her reaction was justifiable. Typical youth that don't think, just do. Her and her BF still have some growing up to do that is evident. Communication is key to any successful relationship, so instead of venting to a bunch of strangers, she could make a few attempts to sit down with her mother and come to some kind of compromise. Obviously both just need to listen to each other. Their relationship does need work, so maybe this would be the best time to start.

[jessica13]

Sorry, I didn't notice the country on here - very new to this forum. I admit I don't know much about modern Russia, I only read the story with compassion and it made me sad. Seeing someone who has been told she can't have a relationship until she is 25 or she's doomed to a life of poverty is quite heartbreaking. Maybe that is my American point of view, but it's the only view I have.

I agree she should work on her relationship with her mother. While there may be cultural differences, all mothers can be reasoned with... eventually.

[pcmaster]

I feel sorry for BF - waiting for years just to have sex. Poor stupid bastart. Its the same as dating girl without vagina.

[coconutz]

if its a puppy i think it is sweet of him if you do like dogs.
and often when the family doesnt like the gf/bf if they are not racist ,its cause they see
what you dont see and what you may take years to see while its there.

sometimes they may be wrong, but i think many times its cause the dude is not good for you.

but since you are grown i wonder why are you living at home acting childish talking about
my mom this and that.
it have noting to do with your bf. but in general i think you should act grown and have your own place
if you think you have the right to bring pets in the house etc. and rule your life.

[ancaaa]

First of all I didn't come here just to waste some time. I wanted to share my problem with you because I needed an advice from the outside, I never get the chance to talk properly with my mother, or I don't know if I should trust only my boyfriend opinion. I thank everyone for their time and their advice, some of them made me see a lot of things that in the past I didn't even bother to think about.
I know I don't have a healthy relation with my mother, but You don't have to worry about my education, I am really working for it, and I would never gave up on it to marry and have children, every thing at it's time. My mother doesn't want for me to live in poverty, she is like that because she wants for me to be the best student in my college, so she believes that a relation can diminuate the time dedicated to study. p.s: my education is not paid by my parents, I don't know how the system works in the US, but here you have the chance to study for free as long as you keep your grades high, plus I have my own money, by receiving a scholarship.

I had to stop things with my boyfriend because I couldn't give him what he wanted( he said the only thing that could work for us is to convince my mother to let him take me in a vacantion abroad). I find this a dream, but also a nightmare, my mother will be very angry when she will find out about his plans.

[jessica13]

Ask yourself: worse case scenario, what would your mother do if you went on vacation with him? Assuming he waited for a school break so it wouldn't interfere with your education.

Yell, cry, try to make you feel guilty.... vs..... lock you in the house or forcefully beat you?

Sometimes we imagine the worse. If it's more likely the first one, I go back to my original advice.

[ancaaa]

Ask yourself: worse case scenario, what would your mother do if you went on vacation with him? Assuming he waited for a school break so it wouldn't interfere with your education.

Yell, cry, try to make you feel guilty.... vs..... lock you in the house or forcefully beat you?

Sometimes we imagine the worse. If it's more likely the first one, I go back to my original advice.

The first one..she will say no, and I can't convince her.

[pcmaster]

Asking about permision for vocation would be basicaly same thing as asking to allow having sex. Its like your mother owns your vagina.

The thing about sex - you dont have to ask permission to parents but just be confident and do it. Im actually blaming BF because in two years he should have enought sexual energy pilled up to lift you up in his hands and take you away from prison into the storming night.

However you still a kid and your age doesnt matter because you will always be that little girl until you leave the nest and live for few years on your own. Theres a real jungle out there and you grow up fast.


I understand you cant argue with mum now cause shes providing so much for you and you just feel dependant from her. There always will be people like friends and parents who will want you to stay the same and dont change because they would have to change themself just to feel comfortable near you. - For example imagine how your friends(schoolmates) would feel if you would achieve ten times more in life than them. Or how your parents would feel if their little girl would leave home and live like an adult - Do what you want in life and dont give a single tiny **** what everyone else thinks.

[smackie9]

Mom puts a roof over her head
Mom pays for food and clothing
Mom pays for education
Mom pays for food and care for new puppy.

If Ancaa lives under her mom's roof she lives under her mom's rules.

Now if the BF paid for everything or Ancaa paid for everything and lived on her own, then she is free to do whatever she wants.

BF making her choose between him or her mother....he is an asshole.