Breaking up, unsure how to follow through

[College]

So I have a situation that I'm really struggling with. A short background about myself and the situation. I'm in college, 21 years old, and the girl I'm seeing is also 21. We got together 6 months ago close to the start of the school year. We had both been in long term relationships, >3 years, and then got out of them very close to the same time in the summer around June. I wasnt intending to date anyone, and in fact I went into the year trying to stay away from the dating scene. So did the same, but when I saw her I was very attracted to her, and so was she. She was my roommates friend and I had talked to her a few times before, but nothing much. So we started hanging out and things seemed to get serious quickly. We started dating shortly after and everything seemed great. I was having more fun with her than I had my other years in college, as my past girlfriend was very controlling and her past boyfriend was from what I hear not a very understanding person. But either way, everything was going well until around a month and a half ago or so. She has a very stressful major, and she's very intelligent, and she started to get a bit snippy with me at some times and seemed to go off about very small things. I'm not one to yell, in fact I dont think I have ever raised my voice to her. Im very easy going and she is very opinionated, so I just attributed it to her stress and took it in stride. But then it seemed like this was happening more and more, I would seem to "get in trouble" and apologize alot to her for things I wasnt sure why I was apologizing for. Like one time, I made coffee in the morning and it was very weak, and she made a comment like "this makes me want to vomit" but not in a funny way, sort of a rude way. And it seems we will bicker about things like who is going to drive that day or just any little thing I feel I have to diffuse the situation.
Well that made me feel bad and although I knew when things were good, I really enjoyed myself, but when things were bad, I was sad and felt hurt. So on this last tuesday I kind of stood my ground and almost broke up with her because of these problems. She said that it was out of no where and was shocked I was considering it. I can see why she would think that because I dont really speak up for myself, which is an issue I need to work on. BUt she asked for as second chance to improve, and I agreed. But the rest of the week she would bring up what I said Tuesday and say how eager I was to end it all, that I must not really care about her feelings, which I actually do. I do not want to hurt her at all. She is a very nice person, but it just feels like things may be going in the wrong direction. I cant say enough how I dont want to hurt her, I feel guilty about this. Yesterday I said I needed some space and time to just get myself together because I was fed up with arguing and I was stressed about school. So I didnt talk to her all day yesterday and today. I know she wants me to say something but I just do not for the life of me know what to say. I mean, if someone wouldve told me I would be with her for a long time a month or two ago I wouldve been happy about it. But I sort of feel like I'm digging myself in a hole and dont know how to get out. Im not sure how to handle the situation, should I talk to her soon? How soon? What should I say? Any kind of advice would help. We had talked about the future some awhile ago and I really do feel love for her, but can I really say that I see us together forever?..perhapes not. But she does not want to break up, but I feel like now Ive done too much to go back anyway.
Thanks for any advice

[bearz]

You don't need time for yourself. You already know what the problem is and you have confronted her about it. Now she need to take it to her heart and really better herself. If it's due to stress it might just be temporarily and you will have to suck it up for a bit. There are meds for it, but that's up to her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just call her up and say you don't want to go out with her anymore. Tell her she's too dramatic and you don't want to fight with her, and you would be much happier alone. Of course she will bitch and cry, just hang up. You don't owe her anything.

[College]

I'm really trying to be nice about this. Idk. Maybe that's unrealistic to break up and still be nice. I truly do care about her and her feelings but I just don't think I want to walk on eggshells and be in that place. She is very nice most of the time but it seems this stuff if happening more often and it hurts me. I don't like seeing her sad and I know she will be. I'm kind of a softy when it comes to that I suppose.

[Valixy]

Good for you for making her aware of how bad her comments and behaviour made you feel. The psychological effect this has on you and your relationship must be like when one person would often start screaming at the other one for no particular reason. Knowing to communicate positively is vital in a relationship and she definitely needs to work on that, or at least learn to show some consideration and respect towards you in the daily interaction. It's never easy to admit that you're wrong and start changing but she shouldn't try getting away from the real issue by making you feel you are the bad guy. That is called ego manipulation and it's unfair. You say that she is very intelligent and opinated, hopefully she'll show some intelligence and determination in dealing with this problems that she has been causing too. Obviously this kind of behaviour hurts you and puts you off, you seem to have reached your limit and unless she shows some delicacy, proving that she is capable of seeing your side of the story too, you might find yourself unable to continuing seeing her. It's just a normal reaction in front of any form of verbal and emotional abuse that has been practiced for some time. If she continues blaming you for rejecting her without being able or not wanting to understand the damage she has been causing you, she might just push you away forever. Maybe she has already done that and in that case you should let her know at the right time for you that you've distanced yourself for good.

[College]

Thanks for the advice. That was kind of right on it. I still feel bad about not taking to her today and yesterday but I just need some time and space. I just don't know if I can see things getting better. Is it normal to feel this guilty?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's normal to feel guilty, but you really shouldn't. You two just aren't compatible, and she sounds like a manipulative bitch, which is part of the reason she has you feeling sorry for her. The nicest way to do it, may just be to never call her again and just ignore her.

[bearz]

I wouldn't give up on it that quickly unless I'm totally missing something here. I would try to get on the bottom of this and find out if she's actually willing to admit to her behavior and try to make improvements. No reason to dump someone just because she's been stressed out for a month due to school.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I wouldn't give up on it that quickly unless I'm totally missing something here. I would try to get on the bottom of this and find out if she's actually willing to admit to her behavior and try to make improvements. No reason to dump someone just because she's been stressed out for a month due to school.

The thing is, now she is using his standing up for himself against him, by making him feel guilty that he was willing to break up with her over her mistreatment of him. He should dump this bitch like he originally wanted to. He said he doesn't want to be with her long term, and for good reason.

[College]

Well the thing is at first I thought it was school. That's why I brushed it off. But then it was happening alot and I felt it was out of my control. And it was just happening alot and being negative. I'm a very positive person and not alot brings me down. I get stressed too but I don't take it out on her.

[Cerby]

BackUp actually has the best point here. She is using your spine against you, bringing it up in order to bring you down. This is a sneaky way to manipulate you, but she is doing it, and it is working.

I suggest you decide if you really want to be with her again before you call her up. It sounds like you know that it is time to move on, just haven't thought it through yet. The next time you talk to her you should consider ending it, you sound like you might end up a lot happier in the long run.

[bearz]

Well in that case, sounds like you have already given up then. If she's not showing any improvement or at least willingness to better the situation there really is no point in staying in this relationship right now.

[College]

BackUp actually has the best point here. She is using your spine against you, bringing it up in order to bring you down. This is a sneaky way to manipulate you, but she is doing it, and it is working.

I suggest you decide if you really want to be with her again before you call her up. It sounds like you know that it is time to move on, just haven't thought it through yet. The next time you talk to her you should consider ending it, you sound like you might end up a lot happier in the long run.

Yeah. This makes sense. I'm trying to figure out how to respond to her. She been texting me and I haven't replied yet. I just don't know what to say and I hate arguing. She asked if I'm ignoring her and its not really that, I just don't know what to say.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell her you don't have anything to say to her. Ask her not to call you anymore. If you're too pussy for that, ask her not to call for 3 weeks.

[Valixy]

You feel that you need time for yourself, then take that time for yourself. It's the only way you'll be able to see and feel clearly what you would like to do, approach the situation again or not. Right now you don't seem to be ready to take any decision because it's all so recent and you are confused. If you speak with her while you take this time for yourself, should be entirely your decision and hopefully she won't try to put you under more preassure than she has already done. Deciding to break up with someone is never easy for a fairly decent person, and I think it all depends on how much love you will find you still have for her and your trust in her ability and willingness to understand your point of view and try to adjust. Obviously you two have had many good things going on too and they are still valid, so this particular aspect should not be a complete deal breaker unless you find that you don't love her anymore or she simply can't and won't try to improve. And you can't feel guilty that she has pushed you to the point where you, at least right now, prefer to be on your own than in her company. It's just the truth and it's very understandable. Should this be permenant? It really depends of both of you.