Close friendship with aborted romantic potential - where can it go?

[nolagirl]

Sorry if it wasn't clear...

He used to occasionally hook up with this woman a while ago. Maybe 5 times or so every few months. He said they had a physical connectionbut he never felt anything stronger for her. We talked about her once last summer. He wouldn't tell me her name and gave her kind of a mean nickname instead. He said something like "ehh she's like a 5" and "she always is asking when can she see me again" and "I wouldn't want to have her around my friends."

I was able to figure out who she was easily enough...and I saw her at a coffee shop in January. I texted my guy friend that I saw her and said he shouldn't have been so harsh or mean about her. He said yeah and that they actually saw a movie recently which surprised me...and said he was too wussy to cut her out entirely. I said he should just be honest and talk to her like an adult. He said "well i thought i did and told her i enjoyed her company as friends" and "i told her i tried having feelings for her like in a relationship and i didnt have any."

Shortly after this (a couple weeks) he and I were spending a lot more time together. He'd invite me over for dinner...we'd go out sometimes too...and started being more physically affectionate. Lots of suggestive as well as sweet texts and initiatives from him. I was feeling open to dating him and wanted to.

He lied to me and saw her on Valentine's day...before this he came to my house and gave me a card and said he was having dinner with his mom (who lives alone). I said to have fun, I had a card for him too but was in the middle of a house project and would come over later. He ignored my text later and then called and said, "I'm sorry I wasn't totally honest with you...I was out with this woman as a final sort of test. ..I did what you said I should do a long time ago and finally set her straight."

I got really mad about the lying + deceiving. I never said he cheated - we were close friends who were on the edge of something more when this happened.

[nolagirl]

I'm so sorry you think I was playing with him. I wasn't! It wasn't until around Christmastime that we started spending more time together and I began seeing him differently. I honestly thought we were being cautious...I really did. I planned a birthday gathering for him in January, I invited him to do things often too, I was not dating or talking about other guys.

Please don't demonize me. Yes we should have addressed the tension between us directly+ sooner. But we had a history and it was scary. I admit this wasn't ideal behavior. But I genuinely care about him and we have a lot of shared friends and positive times together.

[Wakeup]

He didn't lie or deceive you though ~ You're not getting it that this whole thing with her is NONE of your business. You did not define what you had with one another other then that YOU only wanted to be friends. Learn to communicate if you've changed your mind. Don't expect a guy to understand that "you were on the verge of something" when even when you were'nt on the verge of something, your actions were exactly the same.

we were close friends who were on the edge of something more when this happened.

Then YOU should have pulled up your big girl panties and told him that you have changed your mind and would like to try to be more then simple friends. When you were friends only you did the same things as you think made you on "the edge" or more. Pffft. how hell is he suppose to know the frigging difference.

You better understand your role in this or this kind of thing is going to keep happening to you. If this guy were my brother I'd be telling him to stay away from you and your mixed signals and inability to make a decision.

... again: He did not deceive you in the least. He simple felt it wasn't something that he should tell you about because you two are just friends who mixed things up by sleeping in the same bed and crossing simple friendship boundaries.

What you said up there is nothing more than what you've already said and it was perfectly clear the first time that you are the author of your own hurt right now. As I said.... stay out of a guys bed who you've told you only want to be friends with.

[nolagirl]

Telling me he is going one place and doing something else is a lie. He said he was sorry he lied and deceived me.

He didn't owe me an explanation of wanting to explore things with her! I didn't ask for one! But he didn't have to lie to me about his Valentine's Day plans. He shouldve just said so.

YES I should've told him how I was feeling. I know this! I admit and own my share of the pain and confusion here.

I am looking for constructive advice and help on healing things and having an honest and open approach moving forward. If you can't offer that, you are only hurting me. I have gone through plenty of pain because of my mistakes already.

[Wakeup]

Please don't demonize me.

I'm not demonizing you, doll I'm just trying to get you to see where you went wrong so that you can get on with life without making the same kinds of mistakes again in the future. If no one ever told you where you went wrong, how would you ever get it right?

[Wakeup]

Further to above:

I replied: "I don't have imminent romantic feelings but I want to get back to where we were before it was disturbed. I want to try being physically close again - I sincerely do. And I could let things rest if they don't work out that way. But I want us to try... Can we try this slowly for a little bit + give it a chance? It lingered for a long time and we have nothing to lose now. I miss you a lot and want to be close and maybe I'm confused but I think it would help us both sort it out and move forward either way."

Even then you didn't come right out and tell him where he stood with you or how much you had wanted to be his girlfriend. I don't have imminent romantic feelings Yet you still want him to be betrothed to you and you alone? Seriously?

WTF are you afraid of? Like I said if he were my brother and I knew you said that to him after all of this bs, I'd suggest to him that he never saw you again so he could at least get over you, to the stage of indifference and find someone who did have "imminent romantic feelings for him." You basically told him i don't love you but I sure do love the attention you give me.

[lamobatsman]

I'm so sorry you think I was playing with him. I wasn't! It wasn't until around Christmastime that we started spending more time together and I began seeing him differently. I honestly thought we were being cautious...I really did. I planned a birthday gathering for him in January, I invited him to do things often too, I was not dating or talking about other guys.

Please don't demonize me. Yes we should have addressed the tension between us directly+ sooner. But we had a history and it was scary. I admit this wasn't ideal behavior. But I genuinely care about him and we have a lot of shared friends and positive times together.

you rejected his advances before. you werent in a rship so he can see other people i guess..? yes if he was leading u on with suggestive texts its rong. but i remember doing the same in a similar situation and boy it backfired on me.

[lamobatsman]

Further to above:

Even then you didn't come right out and tell him where he stood with you or how much you had wanted to be his girlfriend. I don't have imminent romantic feelings Yet you still want him to be betrothed to you and you alone? Seriously?

WTF are you afraid of? Like I said if he were my brother and I knew you said that to him after all of this bs, I'd suggest to him that he never saw you again so he could at least get over you, to the stage of indifference and find someone who did have "imminent romantic feelings for him." You basically told him i don't love you but I sure do love the attention you give me.

if he was my brother or mate id say teh same. everything wakeup said is correct

[nolagirl]

I feel burned by the situation and he does too. I feel strongly about him and I know he feels strongly too. Whether the ronantic potential that was there before can be fostered again is what I want to explore and I'm being open about it by saying I want to be physically close again and give this a real shot. It simmered for a long time. Now that this is all out in the open, there's nothing to lose.

[nolagirl]

I want to make this right and learn what I can do to have him in my life as a positive figure again, and I want to be a positive person in his life too. If there's something more-than-friends between us I want us to address it now that the subject is blown wide open. If that's not possible, I want to move forward in a different, healthy, positive way. He said that no matter what he wants to be friends and remain close.

[Wakeup]

... but if you don't have romantic feelings for him why would you even pursue this? What is your problem that you can't let him go but you don't want him at the same time. You don't have romantic feelings for him. He's admitted it to you as well. You've said it yourself. Was that just a lie to save face because he told you that: “He said we both saw bad sides of each other last month and that he wasn't harbouring any romantic feelings?”

Anyway, for both your sakes I hope that he stays away or at the very least gives you the ultimatum that you define your relationship as romantic bf/gf or you remain out of each others lives. (which of course would be stupid anyway since neither of your are harbouring any romantic feelings for one another but rather stagnate yourselves in this boundary crossing “friendship" that you're afraid to be without.

He said that no matter what he wants to be friends and remain close.

If either of you ever does get with someone in a real romantic sense, you’ll cause each other true trouble within that new relationship because of the unhealthy attachment you have for one another which will cause jealousy and resentment all around: For you or him and for anyone new coming in.

[bearz]

you rejected his advances before. you werent in a rship so he can see other people i guess..? yes if he was leading u on with suggestive texts its rong. but i remember doing the same in a similar situation and boy it backfired on me.

She pushed him away in a moment which could have been the the next step in their friendship/relationship. They were both intoxicated and I can see why someone would put a stop to it when both weren't capable of thinking clearly. I know I wouldn't want to take advantage of someone in that situation, especially if we were close and cared for each other. Alcohol can be a bitch sometimes.

[Wakeup]

Oh for goodness sakes... They've been pushing each other way from one another while trying to hold on at the same time from the very beginning. Neither one of them belong together in any relationship dynamic. It shouldn't be this hard no matter if being friends or lovers. It's far too complicated then it should be for people that are meant to remain in each others lives. Its past whose fault it is.

[nolagirl]

It is well past fault and blame ! What bearz said is true and accurate in our case, yes.

The imminent feelings I have are desire to get back to the place where we were (or close to it) before it was thrown off course. Whether that requires more distance first, or more closeness, an ultimatum, or what...is what I'm trying to determine. We like and care about each other. There was a lot of hesitancy and caution and missteps before. I want to know what can be done in the present and future with this guy so that it shakes out well for both of us while retaining some sort of bond.

If you can't contribute helpfully or constructively to that, I'd rather you not tear me down.

[Wakeup]

The imminent feelings I have are desire to get back to the place where we were (or close to it) before it was thrown off course.

What you mean he fawns over you while you continue to only be his friend?

Stop telling me what you'd rather not me do. I'm not one to tell someone what they want to hear if I see otherwise.I'm giving it to you straight. If you don't like it, then put me on ignore. I'll simply be responding to educate any young men out there that get in the rut that your 'friend' got in with you. No one wants to see a guy be strung along by someone who only wants his friendship but gets jealous when he moves on from giving her his full attention.

What happened to your friend is what happens to boyz who don't have a backbone or enough confidence to tell girls they really want a relationship to leave them alone unless they want the same.