Friendship element of a romantic relationship?

[Skavenlord]

Hello all,

This is kind of driving me crazy, and I need to see what some other people think about this issue. Here's the story:

My girlfriend and I have been going out almost three months now. I know that's not a long time, but it seems like we've been going out longer, since I knew her a couple of months before we even started dating. And, like a lot of couples, we spent our first two months being together almost constantly. I just couldn't get enough of her, and she, seemingly, couldn't get enough of me. That changed about a week ago.

I noticed she'd been kind of distant lately, so I asked her if anything was bothering her, and she simply said that she couldn't keep devoting the amount of time she had been to our relationship anymore, that it was interfering with her studies too much. I was okay with not spending as much time with her to give her that extra time to get her school stuff done. This is understandable, because she's a music major, and she practices constantly. She was clearly upset, and the whole week she would only grudgingly hug or kiss me.

So a few days ago (Thursday), I got together with her and told her that I understood that things were tough for her, and I would be there if she needed me, whatever that entailed. That conversation took an ugly turn. She started talking about how she didn't want to keep focusing on our future together so much, because she has all this stuff planned for her life that she doesn't think our relationship will survive. She said she just wanted to think about the now, and enjoying each other while we're together. That kind of freaked me out, because up until recently she'd been talking about travel and marriage and all that good stuff.

There is an additional factor...we had to purchase some Plan B (the condom broke), and that was kind of scary, for obvious reasons. She's been acting out of character ever since she took it, so I thought maybe that had something to do with some of it. But she clearly had these thoughts in mind beforehand.

We worked everything out, and both said that we wanted to keep our relationship going. But it feels like something's missing now, like the friendship element of our relationship is disappearing. We don't have as much fun as we used to, and I think that if things stay that way, we won't be in a relationship much longer.

Thoughts?

[Tone]

**** me.

I just typed out a reply to this and ****ing LF crashed like it does everyday and lost it all.

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[Tone]

Grr, okay:

This sounds, to me, normal of any relationship where the couple spends too much time together - you get sick of each other. It just happened to happen to her first.

You have only one real option here, and listen to me closely if you're serious about your only sure way to NOT lose her. You have to give her space. Now, I said this is your only sure way to NOT lose her, as in - if you do the alternative, which is to still contact her all the time and act like you normally do, she'll snap and you'll probably lose her forever. But if you just back off and give her space, you can do a couple of things: A.) Show her you respect/care for her so much that you put her needs (space) over your wants (her)... B.) Give her a chance to miss you, something that can't happen if you're calling her everyday and always there... C.) Finding yourself a life outside your g/f so you can be better prepared to move on, if, and this is possible, she doesn't come back to you. If that happens it happens man, there's NOTHING you can say or do to prevent it, there are no magical words that will change how she thinks, the best you can do is give her space and time away from you.

I think most people here that have the same experience as me will agree, that your best bet here is to give her space.

[Junsui]

Yep, it is probably best to back off some. I'm sure she is a little freaked out since the condom broke. I know any pregnancy scare when you aren't ready for a child is well... scary. Maybe she wants to get her life where she wants to be before really focusing on a serious relationship.

[Skavenlord]

So how long is too long, do you think? It feels weird just sitting back and waiting for something to happen...I wish I could do something. I saw her today, and she was pretty agitated; she says it's just school stuff, but I wonder. I guess it really hasn't been that long, but it sucks not having her as close...it doesn't really seem like she enjoys being around me at all. She called me earlier today and asked me to lunch, but that resulted in some unocomfortable silence and (what felt like) a forced hug.

[Ellynn]

If i had a plan for my future and was with a guy I liked and suddenly I had to use Plan B because the condom broke while having sex.........I would be kinda freaked out too.

I mean Im sure she does like you alot......but when it all comes down to it....that probably scared her ALOT! Just the idea of a unplanned pregnancy makes me NOT want to have sex (especially right now..and Im 24!)

I know its hard....but give her...the space she needs. Maybe slow things down a bit.. As much as she cares about you....it sounds like shes not ready for a future(especially one thats forced by an unplanned pregancy) with you. Take things a day at a time. Also tell her your willing to step back and see how things go....

[Junsui]

Definitely agree with Ellynn.

[Skavenlord]

She told me a couple of days ago that she loves me. And I think the whole future plans crisis helped come about because she is leaning more toward moving to France after she gets done with school, and that would mean our relationship would end. Unless I moved to France with her, and left everything behind, which I'm not sure I'd be willing to do.

The more I think about it, the more it seems like she's just trying to prevent me from becoming too involved with her, to the point that it interferes with my life. That's what has happened with her last couple of relationships. I guess we'll see...

[Lloyd95]

Who the hell talks about marriage after 3 months of dating, at such a young age?

[Skavenlord]

When you fall quickly in a relationship, it happens. I should've known better, though. This all could've been avoided if I'd just not put so much emphasis on her in the first place.

[Junsui]

Personally I still think it's silly to start talking about marriage that soon no matter how strongly you think you feel. I would want to wait till that "honeymoon" period of the relationship wore off.

[Mish]

I agree with Tone's and Ellynn's posts because they make a lot of sense. Yes i think some type of a break is definetelly needed here. I think you really need to reestablish the "friendship" part first before continuing with this particular relationship. Relate to her as a friend with no mentioning of the relationship component (Keep some mystery in there) and maybe soon enough she will get back to the girl you knew a month back.

Ellynn, your post makes so much sense that it scares me There are some girls i know who are guilty of that, changing their views, minds, hearts, souls, everything in light of a pregnancy scare. It's almost like the pregnancy scare is scarier than death itself, forcing the female character to abandon all logic and breking every single promise she ever made to her partner in order to just get away. I have seen this kind of behaviour in men as well, but lately it is becoming a lot more evident in women (Well, for me anyway), which really scares me because i always thought that women in general are a lot more responsible than that. I hope I am not over generalizing here.

Good Luck!!!

[shh!]

If she feels she has possibly aborted a pregnancy by taking Plan B, she is sure to be looking differently at you now. I would expect that it is very sobering to feel responsible for taking a "life" in exchange for a quick roll in the hay. She is probably looking at sex/relationships in a much more practical way than she did before and will likely be extremely selective about who she is willing to risk pregnancy with.

[Ellynn]

I'd say we are pretty responsible......but you know how it is when you get caught up in the moment and afterwards your like...."wow that shouldn't have happened....!" Then the afterthought can freak you out.

Women have to go thru the physical .......plus emotional changes that come along with pregnancy. Its not like we wait 9 months and a stork shows up at the door to deliver the baby we "accidentally" ordered. The whole process can be downright scary just to go thru. Then letting people who look up to us and respect us so much for being so "totally together" know about our mistake that will cost us a complete lifestyle change.
Im not saying men go thru nothing when it comes to unplanned pregnancy....but women cannot just walk away from it without some kind of emotional/ physical involvement......even if they don't go thru with the pregnancy and choose to end it with abortion. We have to face it every day.......no matter what.

So yeah I can see how a girl can get freaked out....

[Ellynn]

Who the hell talks about marriage after 3 months of dating, at such a young age?

Wait....this all happened after only 3 months of dating???? And marriage alone would scare me after only 3 months....let alone the whole talk of a baby...... Slow down. Enjoy life. WHy rush it?!