Close friendship with aborted romantic potential - where can it go?

[lamobatsman]

im with wakeup

[lamobatsman]

too many games here. dont like girls who play games

[Wakeup]

im with wakeup

Most men who have a backbone and a good sense of self-worth are in these situations.

[lamobatsman]

i wont get myself in these sitaution

[nolagirl]

He's not fawning over me...if he does, I've said I'd like to try exploring a physical relationship now. But if he said he doesn't have romantic feelings, then that's it. We put it behind us, bury the topic, and go on as friends with boundaries. It's one or the other. I put my cards up on the table.

[nolagirl]

I hear you, wakeup. I just sometimes find your tone preachy and kind of disrespectful. You make some very valid points...yes, he should've manned up too. I see where things went wrong. But the questions I'm asking in the forum are about going forward...ive been processing the flaws for a few weeks now! Enough already. I'm trying to focus on what to do NEXT rather than dwell on negative past actions...rather use the lessons for future approaches for more open + positive outcomes.

I won't say mean or hurtful things out of anger to this guy again. I was always honest with him. I have only been (since reconciling) + will only be kind going forward. We have had fun times together with others too since. I think there is foundation for a happy outcome in the long run one way or another. I just want to figure out how/in what way.

[Wakeup]

He's already told you he doesn't and you responded with you don't either.

I've already told you how your "friends with boundaries" will affect both of you finding someone new to actually have romantic relationship with.. I've read enough threads from jealous men and women who resent their partners relationship with their opposite sex friend.

But if he said he doesn't have romantic feelings, then that's it. We put it behind us, bury the topic, and go on as friends with boundaries. It's one or the other. I put my cards up on the table.

Funny how you come out the winner either way. Either he's your boyfriend or your friend. What happened to if we can't be bf/gf then we go our separate ways?

At least that way you'd both get over this unhealthy in-between state and be free to go on a meet a man that will be both your lover and your best friend in a committed bf/gf dynamic.

I just sometimes find your tone preachy and kind of disrespectful.

I'm not bothered about that. When someone keeps justifying what they are doing and not acknowledging the actual situation as seen by an unbiased outsider then I tend to cut to the chase.

I'm focusing on what you should do next as well and my advice is to sever the relationship at this point and move on. He will likely be hoovered back in but I'm seriously hoping he has more sense. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear but it's what I would want for any male (son/brother/true platonic friend) if he was embroiled in all this ambiguity.

.. and NO you were not always honest with him. You failed to communicate and the only place you were honest was within your own head which you though he could read.

Sorry I can't be saying more of what you'd hope to hear.

[nolagirl]

Okay. Thanks. I do think there are ways to have a win-win outcome for both parties. I'm sorry you disagree. Someone doesn't always have to lose. Thanks again.

[Wakeup]

This isn't about winning and losing. My posts are about something that you didn't take into consideration when you were keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself and assuming that he was reading your mind.

There is no win/win here if you remain in each others lives (as simple friends) and continue to be stagnated from finding the person you both were actually suppose to be with in your unhealthy inability to neither be together or apart.

I've read far toooo many stories just like yours to know where this will likely end up if he goes back being your real live teddy bear/male girlfriend and emotional tampon.

For his sake, I hope you can get past whatever the hell it is you're afraid of that keeps you from becoming vulnerable enough to him to let romantic love in.

[nolagirl]

I think if we took this as a pivotal time of ok, we had this opportunity and are deciding it's not right to be romantic partners, then the issue csn be settled. A cooling off period is good after that, and being friends (but not necessarily as close) from there seems like a viable option. If feelings come up again, they have to be brought up + addressed *then.* Future boyfriends/girlfriends are to be respected. Not sharing everything is okay. Deliberate lies are not.

I've learned not to assume anything...especially unspoken.

FWIW - i found this last post of yours to be WAY more helpful. Thank you.

[Wakeup]

Yes, well if I had of started out with just saying what I said in the post you found WAY more helpful... it wouldn't have been half as accepted as you've accepted it now.

Anyway.. let us know how it all pans out. Should be interesting to see where it goes (and for how long). At least now you have some thougts about other outcomes then the one you propose to want to happen... and some reasons why it shouldn't even be sought out.

I do wish you well.

[IndiReloaded]

Shame on him for not telling you to grow up mind your own business when it came to who he hooked up with.

My earlier post stands. This guy is an Olympic-class rug sweeper. Either he doesn't care or trust her enough to have the vulnerable kinds of exchanges of close friends or partners. I'm sorry, OP, but I think most of your 'relationship' is in your head, not reality.

I do hope I'm wrong about this but for now "the data don't lie" applies. Good luck.

[Wakeup]

This guy is an Olympic-class rug sweeper

I agree... thing is so is she (IMO) ... and she should stay out of the bed of plantonic friends of the opposite sex to avoid ambiguous rug sweeping of any sort.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree... thing is so is she (IMO) ...

LOL, yes. This makes them doubly incompatible, IMO. Sometimes, as you know, a more 'evolved' partner can inspire the other to step into that zone of vulnerability. These two will only make each other increasingly insecure, I think.

[nolagirl]

Well thanks for your vote of confidence...

WakeUp, are you saying that if he and I maintain a close friendship that this is all going to come up again? It's why I wanted to settle the matter vs bf/gf or friends for good...but we don't want to cut each other out at all.