Not sure if I can trust my girlfriend [long post, sorry]

[dlw1979]

First I just want to warn you that this is going to be a long post. I feel it's necessary to explain all the points that factor in to my problem. Also, I want to let you know that my girlfriend is a Chinese immigrant without her green card. She has an open court case right now because she came to America on an F-1 student visa but never went to school, so she got in trouble. This is not the issue at all, but it does have some relevance to my story.

I live in Georgia. I'm 33, and my girlfriend is 27. We met on match.com 7 months ago. In the beginning everything was great. We "hit it off" so to speak. Like usual in a new relationship, we began learning about each other's past. This is when she began telling me about her first American boyfriend who she met in California. It was always about how cool and great he was and all the good things he did for her. Sometimes we would do something that would remind her of him and she'd start telling me about him again. During some of these times, I swear I could see her daydreaming about the great times they shared. Anyway, one night while she was telling me more about him I told her that it sounds like she still loved him. Her answer to that was "I don't hurt anymore. I loved him very much, but he broke up with me in a good way." To me, it sounded like she avoided having to tell me that she still loved him, but I just let it go.

As we continued to date, she showed me pictures of her and her ex that she kept on facebook. She said it's okay though, because they are "hidden" so no one else sees them. She said she only keeps them because they're part of her past. She also still has her ex's phone number in her phone contact list. She never could give me a good reason why she kept that.

One night she suggested that she send a picture of us to her ex to "let him know that she was doing alright now." I obviously disagreed and told her that it sounds like she wanted to make him jealous. She assured me that wasn't the reason. She just wanted to let him know she was well and happy with someone new. I still disagreed with the whole thing, so we never sent him a picture. I asked her if they ever talked about marriage, and she said no. She said they only dated for 4 or 5 months.

I finally ended up telling her that I didn't want her to talk about him anymore because it made me feel like she still loves him. She apologized to me that night and told me I had nothing to worry about. And she really never talked about him again.

After this happened, things really started looking up. She ended up moving in with me, and we began talking about marriage. We agreed that we would get married after we had been together for a year (this August).

I should also mention that when she moved in with me, she was unable to find a job in the small town where I live because she's an immigrant with no green card and not very clear english. She's pretty much limited to Asian restaurants and spas. After a month with me and not working, she decided that she wanted to move away to a bigger city to work and make money. The plan was that she would move back in August and then we would get married. I protested and told her that she didn't have to work, and I make enough money to support us both. I told her that she would eventually find something in my town. But I could tell she was unhappy sitting at home all day so we ended up agreeing on her to go, and she ended up moving to a city 4.5 hours away from me.

After she moved out, my friends and family all told me that I really need to be careful because she might be using me for a green card. If she really loved me, she wouldn't have moved so far away. I didn't really believe this, but I know it could be possible. I also began to think more about how much she talked about her ex.

One night when we were talking on the phone, I told her that I wasn't sure if I was ready to get married in August. She got really mad and told me if I couldn't give her a wedding date then we should break up so she could find someone who loved her enough to marry her. I couldn't believe what she was saying, but I stuck by my gut and told her that I couldn't give her a date, so she broke up with me over the phone that night.

The next day she called me crying and saying that she couldn't stand not having me to talk to every night. She told me that I didn't have to give her a wedding date, as long as we could stay together. This made me happy, so we got back together.

Last week I was planning on visiting her for the first time since she moved out. I talked to her on the phone before going to visit her, and she wanted me to bring one of her english books when I went to see her. I was unable to find the book she wanted, but during my search through her things for the book is when I found something that really took me by surprise.

I found a letter that was typed up by her ex boyfriend to an attorney. In the letter he explained that they were really serious about marriage and asked what kind of papers they needed to fill out in order for her to get a green card. He also asked the attorney if her case could be moved to Louisiana where he lived! This directly contradicts what she told me about him.

Well, I went to see her last weekend and confronted her about this. She admitted that she lied to me about him. She said the reason she lied about them talking about marriage is because she didn't want me to think she was using him for a green card. And the reason she lied about him living in Louisiana is because she didn't want me to think she had traveled to lots of places in the U.S. to work in different Asian restaurants.

I told her that it felt like she was keeping that part of him a secret from me because in some weird way she wanted to hold on to those memories of him. Why else would she keep all of their pictures on facebook and keep his phone number in her phone. Then she started up again about how good he was to her and she was only keeping that stuff because it was part of her past. She even told me of a small piece of paper that she still keeps where he wrote "I love you" in Chinese characters and gave to her.

I will admit that I'm pretty insecure with myself, but it seems to me like she really is hanging on to him for some reason. I ended up breaking up with her last weekend. She has been calling me every night crying her eyes out and trying to reassure me that she loves me more than she loved him and she would throw away the pictures and the paper he gave her and delete his number. But the way I see it is that she will agree to do this now, but she might eventually end up resenting me for it in the future.

I really am missing her a lot right now. Especially since she seems so willing to do whatever it takes in order for me to take her back. But deep down I don't know if I can ever fully trust her and be sure she is completely over her ex. What do you guys think?

[pcmaster]

Well just ask if she wana be with you even if you cant give her a green card. See how she react.

However dont make it such a big deal. The girl is "made in china" anyway.

[michelle23]

dont trust her. she just wants a green card and is using you. get on with your life without her. youll meet someone else. she is obsessed with her ex and she was prob using him too. you will never be able to trust her coz her main priority is getting the green card. i bet if you ignore her for another month shell move onto the next poor sap and try to get him to marry her too

[pcmaster]

Maybe she wanted card from the beginning but now shes too deep in love and cant live without you anymore. You have to find out.

[dlw1979]

Thanks for the replies guys. You could be right, pcmaster. I did mention to her "what if we never get married?" And she said she didn't care as long as we were together. I really have a hard time believing this though. I think she only said that because she's feeling lonely now. After a month or two she'll be wondering when the wedding date will be again.

The fact is she lied to me. Once the trust is broken in a relationship, it's really hard to get it back I think.

After finding out about all this, a part of our relationship has been kind of lost. Really to the point where it will never be like it used to.

I agree with you, Michelle. I think it might be time to get on with my life and I know I'll meet someone else.

[smackie9]

I agree with Michelle...I smell bull shit too. Dump her, you can do better than this. Good thing you caught it now, and not get bamboozled down the road.

[dlw1979]

Thanks smackie. It feels good to know I'm not over reacting and that others would react the same way I did.

[HeartIsAching]

Whether or not she's just using you for a green card is irrelevant. What is relevant is that she's been consistently dishonest with you. You don't trust her, and rightfully so. Without trust, what do you have that's worth preserving?

[pcmaster]

bamboozled

LoL, what does it means !

[michelle23]

Ya she lied to your face about this guy numerous times. Id say shes manipulative and can turn on the waterworks any place any time. She could even be with the ex now or some other bloke. You cant trust her. Its better to forget her and meet a girl who doesnt pressure you into marriage. Its a big decision-a huge comitment and i dont think a year together is enough time to be taking that step especially with so many red flags and warning signs.

Stay welk clear of her. Good luck to you

[HeartIsAching]

LoL, what does it means !

It means fooled or tricked.