Girlfriend has fallen out of love with me ( long post )

[Sutty]

Hello my name is tom and im from the UK, I have this problem, on friday my girlfriend of one year and my first love split with me. She said that she still loves me but more like a friend then a boyfriend. Iam absolutely devistated I had so much more to give to her, I put her before myself for a year and I feel like I have just wasted my time. The thing is after breaking up with me she kind of back tracked and said she had alot going on in her life and a releationship wasn't somthing she needed at the moment an said she may get her life orginised and a in the future that love may return.

We were best friends before we got together and I made a promise that if we split that I would always be her best friend but iam finding it very difficult, The day after the split I orginised to goto the gym with her and just seeing her and knowing that she was no longer mine broke my heart, i've seen her today sunday also, we went round to one of our mutual friends houses together and chatted and kinda reminised over the past, I tryed so hard to keep a brave face on and even thanked her for trying to make it easy, but it hasn't made it easy. I got home and just broke down, which im not ashamed to say.... im trying to play a martyr and its very hard. Next week iam also going to a festival over the bank holiday and will be spending 2 days in a tent with her.

I just dont know what to do, I want her back so badly i cant imagine my life without her in it, thats why im trying so hard to be her friend, but each time I see her I just want to hold her tight and tell her how much i love her.

Granted she does have alot going on in her life at the moment, she just recently made the big descion to leave uni because it wasn't somthing she really wanted to do. She started working at a bank in the mean time while she figures out where she wants to go with her life. She also wants to go traveling and couldn't see where I would fit into that.

I am really trying my best to be her friend and i want to be deep down, but I also want her back. Everything reminds me of her and just stupid little things that made our releationship special I know ill no longer have and its just hurting so much.

What do you think I should do to try and win her back? or do you think I should let her get on with it and accept its over and be her friend?

Just abit more imformation, our releationship devoloped very quickly, she lived in a student house with 5 other girls and we quikcly devoloped a pattern where by id be there most nights and weekends, she has now moved out of the house and moved home with her parents, and thats where it seemed to go wrong. Iam 20 from the uk she is 21 we live quite close im just finding it difficult because the one person i would want to speak to about my problems would be her, but obviously i cant really do that. I have alot of friends but i dont think they would be able to help me... not the kind of people with great understanding and wouldn't make me feel better.


Btw, I thought I would add our releationships devoloped in what I thougth was a strange way, We was best friends, and ill be first to admit im not the best looking lad in the world, but she was a fashion design student really into looking good and her appearence, she is absolutely stunning, and I never really understood how it happened or how I was so lucky, towards the end our sex life did kinda drop to a hault and she was spending less and less time with me, she was going out with mates etc and finding excuses not to see me, and although i knew somthing was wrong she continued to say she loved me etc. I know for a fact she wouldn't of cheated, i know its a strange thing to say you KNOW, but she isn't that type of person, and our circle of friends wouldn't allowed it to happen. Towards the end it did become more like we was married and i did try to slow things down and make it more coupley with dates dinner out more often etc.

Thanks For reading.

[King Zarathu]

You're going to have to get a new girlfriend. I doubt she's going to return to you, and I know it hurts but you just need to get over it.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think spending two days in a tent with someone who just broke up with you will be good for your mental state. Really, you're putting yourself through the rammit (that's the wringer + the gamut).

Please do yourself a favor and stop thinking you can go back to being best friends after being a couple.

The next few months of your life are supposed to be about getting over her- not getting her back. If she comes back on her own, cool, but you need to live as if she won't.

[SWLR]

This sounds very similar to my current situation.
I agree with Giga.

I think you need to cut contact completely, spending time with her just after breaking up is making things worse for yourself.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, you guys should start a club and get jackets.

This forum has really opened up a whole new understanding of the male mind for me. I never knew guys tortured themselves so much.

[SWLR]

I Think it's because we are frightened that if we let go we will lose any hope of being with them again.

The hardest part is letting go, especially when they've given you hope that you will get back together

[Sutty]

Yes, I totaly agree on the fact about she giving me hope, although the other posts I do want to be her friend and I honestly couldn't deal with not having contact with her at all, dunno guess im rather confused

[SWLR]

It's will be very difficult for you to be friends with her right now, it'll be like rubbing salt in your wounds.

You need to give yourself time to get over her. I understand cutting contact will be difficult.. but like Gigabitch said spending two days in a tent with her is not a good idea

It'll just cause you more hurt

[Venacava]

My best friend and I ended up getting together for a small amount of time, you have to be so SO careful when dating friends, especially best friends. Someone always gets hurt, badly - because you're losing two things ; a friend and a partner. We ended up taking time apart from eachother - it was really hard, but in the long run it made it easier for us to remain best friends. She did what was right for her and now you have to do what is right for you, you can keep your promise and remain best friends but I advise some time apart.

[Sutty]

Still abit confused - one of the reasons we broke up is that she didn't see how I was going to fit into her life with her wanting to go travel etc, But yesterday she said if everything is ok, that she would love me to come and travel with her as long as I want to travel because I want to see the world and not because it would be a exuse to spend 6 months with her.

Why would she say that

[Venacava]

It sounds like she explained why she said it. You're friends and it seems that she would like you to go with her, as long as you wanted to go for the right reasons. Take some time apart, seriously.

[blackiesharley]

My best friend and I ended up getting together for a small amount of time, you have to be so SO careful when dating friends, especially best friends. Someone always gets hurt, badly - because you're losing two things ; a friend and a partner.

This is so true. Every time I say this I get shit for it and it goes against convential thinking but I still swear by my motto:

Lovers first. Friends later.

Once someone falls into the dreaded 'friend zone' it's almost impossible to get out of. When I desire a Sister, I'll go to a convent.

Funny how little things can set the tone for a relationship.

Examples:

I often hear people say 'I want to invite him/her out for coffee or lunch.' Bullshit. Coffee/daytime dates are for 'friends.' Nightime/wine is for romance.

Another popular one is 'She's moving this weekend and wants me to help, she must really like me!' Tell her to call Bekins Movers, they're in every city.

Best of luck to you, but please don't fall into the 'friend' trap. You're just torturing yourself.

[vashti]

I often hear people say 'I want to invite him/her out for coffee or lunch.' Bullshit. Coffee/daytime dates are for 'friends.' Nightime/wine is for romance.

I disagree about the coffee dates, blackie. I understand you speak from a male point of view, but speaking as a female, coffee dates/lunch dates are a good, safe option if you are dating someone for the first time. (There are plenty of octopus-like men out there!) Plus, they benefit whomever is paying since they are less expensive than the dinner option.

[Gigabitch]

I disagree about the coffee dates, blackie. I understand you speak from a male point of view, but speaking as a female, coffee dates/lunch dates are a good, safe option if you are dating someone for the first time. (There are plenty of octopus-like men out there!) Plus, they benefit whomever is paying since they are less expensive than the dinner option.

+1

I, too, have dated Cthulu.

[blackiesharley]

I disagree about the coffee dates, blackie. I understand you speak from a male point of view, but speaking as a female, coffee dates/lunch dates are a good, safe option if you are dating someone for the first time. (There are plenty of octopus-like men out there!) Plus, they benefit whomever is paying since they are less expensive than the dinner option.

Point well taken Gigabitch. Personally (and I think you'll agree) that ALL first dates should be in a public place whether it's day or evening. (I still prefer evening tho)

And that goes for no matter where you met the person. Online (especially!) at the gym, at a nightclub or at Grandma's Sunday church social.

Just basic safety. There are a lot of nuts out there, both male and female.