Fallen for a holiday romance while in a loveless relationship

[rainingstars]

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years (we are both 21), and it is no longer a happy one, with us both having issues and his being an anger problem which can cause the relationship to be boderline abusive at times. Although I have been unhappy for a while, I have not been able to leave him partly because he is the only boyfriend I have ever had (and person I have slept with) and also because I dread the thought of being lonely without a boyfriend (pathetic as it sounds) because I have no friends or have had many guys interested in me, well, ever. I no longer love my boyfriend, it is more the company I am with him for now, and the feeling of being in a loveless relationship is soul destroying.

But heres where it gets complicated. In february I went on holiday to Sharm el sheikh (Egypt), and when I'm on holiday I can let myself go, I don't have to be shy, cause I don't care what people think. I met an Egyptian guy there who was abit older than me (27) and I we got talking and he seemed like a really nice guy, I told him about my boyfriend, and what he says to me (says I am fat, a bitch, worse things than that sometimes....) and he was really nice about it and just made me feel better. We hung out a lot, and even though at first it seemed like it was on a friendship level, it soon changed and he wanted to kiss me. He sweet talked me, saying he wanted a wife just like me blah blah blah. I knew it was wrong, and refused a dozen times or so, but soon I gave in and kissed him. It felt wrong to kiss someone else but I almost felt alive like a passion had been awoken inside of me. He was sweet, he held my hand and made me feel like a princess, which my boyfriend never does.

On my last night there the Egyptian guy wanted me to sleep with him. This is a line that I couldn't cross. He said that he would never talk to me again if I didn't. When I got home however, he added me on facebook and we talked, although soon he started asking me to show him 'things' on webcam which I refused. He said some things I didn't like, like that he wanted to marry a muslim virgin despite the fact that he was not one (he showed me the scratches on his back that he received from a young British girl he had shagged!) Then a few days later he blocked me, with the reason being that he thought I loved him, and he didn't want to break my heart....

For the next few weeks I argued non-stop with my boyfriend, with a break up being on the wall. I told him I kissed someone else and he didn't care too much. Then 1 day the Egyptian emailed me and said he missed me, wanted to marry me, and asking me to go back to Egypt and that he would pay. I told him there is no way that I could just fly to Egypt, my parents would think I'd lost my mind! However I have toyed with the idea. He then started talking about sex again, and I realised the situation i am in. I am the naive girl you hear about, falling for the charms of an Arab man who wants me for 1 thing only. I am in a loveless relationship which has caused me to fall for someone who I really shouldn't to get a little bit of affection.

And now the Egyptian guy has not talked to me for a week, confirming that I meant nothing, infact I am pretty sure that he has rekindled his 'relationship' with his 'ex girlfriend' who happens to be a 17 year old British girl. And I see no way out of my current relationship, I do not love my boyfriend, I have fallen for someone else who does not care for me at all or even live in the same country.

Typing this out, I am pretty sure I have gone insane. Any advice would be appreciated.

[basilandthyme]

Rainingstars, unfriend the Egypt guy and you'll forget about him in no time. That's the easy part.

The hard part is getting yourself out of the relationship with your boyfriend. Do you live with him? Do your parents know how the boyfriend is treating you? If so, can you count on their support? Can you access counselling?

[pcmaster]

You will need someone by your side for sure. If not new BF then at least good friend or parents. Counselling is good idea for sure.

[HeartIsAching]

The Egyptian guy was just using you... when you weren't properly compliant, he dropped you - no loss on your part.

If your current relationship is unhappy, you should just end it. Why prolong it and rob yourself of the opportunity to meet someone special?

[bearz]

"Have sex with me or I won't talk to you anymore"... really? And he has a 17 year girlfriend when he's 27? Sounds like some freak with a lot of money who looks up young girls on the Internet, and pays them to come to him and have sex. Come on now, you should know better. Block him from Facebook, cut off all contact with him. He's nothing but trouble, stay as far away from him as possible.

As far as your current boyfriend is concerned, I'm curious to hear your answers to basil's questions.

[rainingstars]

Rainingstars, unfriend the Egypt guy and you'll forget about him in no time. That's the easy part.

The hard part is getting yourself out of the relationship with your boyfriend. Do you live with him? Do your parents know how the boyfriend is treating you? If so, can you count on their support? Can you access counselling?

No we don't live together, my parents do know, they have heard arguments etc. They tell me I should leave him but ultimately say it's my choice and they don't want to order me to do anything. I do go to counselling but haven't had many appointments yet, the counsellor see's it as an abusive relationship aswell.

[basilandthyme]

Then my best advice is to lean on your counsellor and parents for the support you require in ending this.

[HeartIsAching]

the counsellor see's it as an abusive relationship aswell.

Then it probably is.

[Valixy]

I still don't understand the mechanism that makes a girl who comes from an abusive relationship when she finally opens to a new romance to meet another jerk! Forget the guy from Egypt, he does not have a healthy concept about women but sees them as a sexual object and that can be VERY dangerous. Be glad you got back home safe and STOP communicating with him. Your feelings for him have nothing to do with him actually, they just show how much you need attention and that is for allowing yourself to be in a relationship where you feel lonely and not loved. You should also find the courage to leave your boyfriend since he's been putting you down and not treating you fairly for so long. Do yourself some justice and give yourself a chance for something better. Being on your own can look a bit scary at the beginning but it can turn out to be quite liberating and much fun.

[HeartIsAching]

I still don't understand the mechanism that makes a girl who comes from an abusive relationship when she finally opens to a new romance to meet another jerk! Forget the guy from Egypt, he does not have a healthy concept about women but sees them as a sexual object and that can be VERY dangerous. Be glad you got back home safe and STOP communicating with him. Your feelings for him have nothing to do with him actually, they just show how much you needed attention and that is for allowing yourself to be in a relationship where you feel lonely and unloved. You should also find the courage to leave your boyfriend since he's been putting you down and not treating you fairly for so long. Do yourself some justice and give yourself a chance for something better. Being on your own can look a bit scary at the beginning but it can turn out to be quite liberating and much fun.

It's actually pretty easily explained.

We're socialized to like certain personality types... mostly by what our parents display. If your mom's husband/s etc., always display certain types of behaviors, you'll learn early that love is shown that way... however ****ed up it is. When it's your turn, you pick out the same thing, it's what appeals to you, whether it's healthy for you or not. A lot of behaviors that are interpreted as loving are in fact controlling, possessive and emotionally abusive. For instance, I've known women that thought that their guy checking on their whereabouts at all times was loving, and not possessive and controlling.

My sister keeps getting with abusive men, over and over again, and then won't listen to me when she wonders why. EVERY TIME, she says 'this one's different'... and of course, he isn't.

[Valixy]

That is true and the concept sounds familiar, HeartIsAching, but it still surprises me every time I see it working!

[bcgirl]

You are only 21 yrs old, you may not know or think anything about your age now but you really have your whole life ahead of you. The first boyfriend or love is definitely the hardest one to let go of. But I gaurentee that you will be much happier and relieved once you break up with the boyfriend like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. The key is no contact. As for that Egyptian guy, forget him he is a douche. Who the hell tells a girl "if u don't sleep with me I won't talk to you again". C'mon, he was just using you. Block him and never talk to h again. Take up hobbies and different things and you may gain more friends and a social life. Once you start moving in that positive direction, things will just start falling into place

[Boisdevie]

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Piss off you wanker.

[stormdrain]

At that age I would encourage you to move on. You might find someone new sooner than you think. IF you need help getting to know people, there are many ways.

[rainingstars]

Thanks for the replies, really helpful and appreciated