Are long distance r'ships possible?

[sofaraway]

Hi all Im sure some of you have been in the same circumstances as me and Im hoping that some of you have made your relationships work. Ive been in a long distance relationship for approx 10 months now. We met in New York while we were both there on work. Things started slowly and because we knew our work stint would end we didnt take things too seriously or get too close.

Despite this by the end of our trip we were very pained to part ways. Since then we have talked every day and skyped and he is coming to my city next month. Im so excited but what I worry about is whether I should invest in this r'ship. My heart seems to be doing its own thing anyway but my mind says its a big risk if things dont work out. He lives on the other side of the country and has a good career. So do i and although we have never talked about it I can tell we are both thinking about where this is going and what we will do. Anway friends are telling me that its a risk but Im sure these r'ships can work. We are very close and I can tell he loves me. I think the time might come where one of us has to move but I dont think either of us can do it for at least a year. I worry that this will be too long and not seeing each other will cause things to fizzle. What do you guys think?

[michelle23]

If there is a light at the end of a tunnel and you can set a proper date when one of you can move closer-then yes it can work as long as you see each other as much as possible in the meantime.

However you need to be sure that one of you is not giving up too much for the other. Realistically you cannot downgrade your job or leave all your family and your friends behind for him to move hundreds of miles away. You will be isolating yourself from everyone who cares and if it doesn't work out-you will feel extremely bitter and angry that you sacrificed so much.

If you are considering moving closer to him-make sure you can have a really good career there, get your own apartment, make friends in the area etc Its really important that you dont become dependent on him and you should not hop from long distance to living together full time. If you do move-you will still have to move slow because when it all happens too fast-its more likely to fail.

Personally I think its too much to sacrifice and too much of a risk and I wouldn't do it because the chances of it working out are slim. If I was married to a man and he asked me to move to the other side of the country or world with him-Id probably consider it but I wouldn't do it for someone I just met and was only infatuated by.

Long distance rarely ever works long-term. You cant meet all the needs of a relationship if theres a lot of distance between you and there is nearly always trust issues. If it starts off with a rocky foundation it is very hard to build on that. If you are going to do this than you need to be very honest with each other. You need to set boundaries and ground rules.

You can either agree to see other people and keep things casual until one of you can move which is very risky for long term success or promise each other that you will both be alone until then which can work as long as you both keep that promise.

[Boisdevie]

Did I read this correctly. You've been in a 'relationship' for 10 months yet since you met each other you have spent no time physically together?

[sofaraway]

Thanks for your advice. What your saying rings true and for the record im not someone who would just up and leave everything for a relationship with someone ive just met. Ive been taken unaware by this and as I said in my first post I didnt want to get involved originally because of the distance but he has stayed on my mind and in my hear regardless. Its not a case of infatuation as ive actually tried to not become attached or pursue this. We have a strong connection that I feel has subtance. Ive been considering moving for work anyway and the company I work for has an office where he lives so I think that fact has allowed me to indulge this and see where it goes. It would also mean that I wouldnt be dependent on him. Thats a very important point you make that I will remember. I could do the move after a year but I still worry about it. Your very correct about long term and I dont think I could ever do this longterm as it would definitely fizzle. I worry that because I couldnt move for a year that it would take its toll.. I know some people would say if its meant to be it will work but some accounts from people whove made it work might set my mind at east.

[michelle23]

I have not heard a success story yet apart from people who only live an hour or two apart and still see each other 3-4 times a week.

[Boisdevie]

I know some people would say if its meant to be it will work but some accounts from people whove made it work might set my mind at east.

If it's mean to be it will work.
Love will conquer all.

That's all so much Disney-esque bullsh.ite.
I was in a LDR for 10 months. BUT we had already been together for 5 years and were living together. We spent a week together once a month and we knew after 10 to 12 months the LD would end. You have no such advantages. Sorry to rain on your parade honey but it's not going to work. You've let yourself become attached to this guy and you're going to waste a lot of time.

[stan92964]

I met my wife on line when she lived more than 5,000 miles away from me, but I was very clear what kind of person I was looking for. We communicated by e-mail and phone for about 1 & 1/2 year. I visited her 3 times for 2 weeks each before I asked her to marry me. We have been married for almost 11 years now. We have the kind of relationship that I think most people would want. I did't plan on dating someone that far away, but I can't imagine anyone not being willing to go 1/2 way around the world to find the kind of love I have. She had a baby girl when I married her. I adopted her and I am the only father she knows. She said just the other day that she couldn't imagine living without me in her life. So I think long distance relationships are more about your mind-set and what you want to make of it. I will say that I studied very thoroughly to learn what make good relationships work before I did this ... most people don't do that.

[Valixy]

All relationships are hard work sometimes and you've done it through the first ten months already! If both of you are honest, committed to the relationship and love each other, it's worth a try

[VerticalMoon]

My husband and I had a relationship that started off long distance. It started off as an on-line friendship, then took three years to develop into something more. We lived three hours apart from each other, and spent the week-end with each other about once a month after we became a couple. We lasted another six and a half years that way before we were able to live together.

We never realized the wait would be that long when we started seeing each other, or we might have planned things differently. But breaking up just never seemed like an option. We wanted all the same things for our future. He was the only guy I'd ever met that I could talk to for so long without getting bored. I felt a much closer and deeper connection to him than I'd ever had to anybody else in my life. I just didn't even feel like I wanted a future with anybody else if it couldn't be with him. So the distance always seemed worth it, and I still think it was.

The big difference I see between your situation and mine was that in my relationship we were able to see each other once a month. Since you've gone ten months without seeing him, I'm guessing that your visits won't be as frequent. That could be tough. The longest we ever went without seeing each other after our relationship was official was two months, and just those two months felt like they were taking a toll. You've made it being apart for ten months though, so who knows? If you think what you have is that special, you might want to give it a try and see how things go. It's not like a relationship where you live close to each other doesn't have risks.

[bearz]

I believe they can work under certain circumstances. Both of you will have needs which have to be satisfied. And that's not going to happen if you can't see each other regularly. You have to be able to spend time with other and the more often you can do that the higher are your chances of this relationship working out. You also have to be willing to make major sacrifices starting with packing up and moving, finding a new job, starting a new life, etc. If you just expect the other person to do to everything it's not going to work out in the long run.

I'm about to get myself involved in a LDR and I have been thinking about all of this a lot, and I'm still torn about a few things, mainly about moving to a different part of the country. It's not something I would be comfortable with right now but that might change further down the road. I am definitely willing to put the effort, time, and money into it to make it work. For example, I don't have a problem hopping on a plane at least once a month.