Best friend or boyfriend?

[michelle23]

When you meet someone who ticks all the boxes, someone that you are compatible with and have been happy with for four years, someone that your living with and planning to marry-it is very very hard to find that again with someone else. Your bf has set your standards and expectations and you said he is "fantastic". If you leave him-you will likely end up looking for someone just like him and every guy you meet will be compared to him.

You would be an idiot to throw that away for a "what if". Your friend is just a fantasy and if you leave your bf for him he will likely just be a rebound and once the infatuation wears off and you start to realize it was a fantasy-you will hate yourself for throwing something so good away.

We all have options. Theres plenty of people who may be interested in you-loads of "what ifs" everywhere but that does not mean that we throw something great away for every opportunity that comes along.

[michelle23]

I recommend you go and talk to a counselor if you are really torn. It would be really stupid though to ditch your long term partner and you will likely regret it.

Also when people hop from one relationship to the next-there is about a 1% chance of that new relationship working out. If you do end it with your partner-it should be because you are not happy with him and you should take the time to grieve the loss of that relationship before even thinking about getting with someone new.

You could **** your whole life up right now if your not careful. Look up emotional affairs and how they normally end. 99 times out of 100-they just end in tears, shame, guilt, regret, heartbreak etc. Some people even end up suicidal for messing up a great relationship.

Look up "thinking the grass is greener" (in your case its not coz you are happy)

Look up the signs of a healthy relationship (I bet you have a lot of them with your bf)

Look up the 9 stages of a relationship (you are probably in the stage of doubts)

[skybeam29]

Thanks for this.

I honestly wouldn't have thought that I'd react and feel in the way I am to what my guy friend has said to me. I keep thinking, if my current boyfriend is the one, then would I be feeling like this? Surely I would have just dismissed it all? I am happy in my relationship, but the last few months with people talking to us about marriage and stuff also made me start thinking deeply about how do I know if he is the one, etc. Then this issue with my friend has cropped up and I can't separate or work out my feelings for either person!

What also bugs me, is that pretty much everyone always comments on how we'll end up together - what if they have always been right?

[pcmaster]

They never right until you start believing them.

[michelle23]

I keep thinking, if my current boyfriend is the one, then would I be feeling like this?

Feeling like this happens to everyone at some point in a long term relationship (not necessarily with someone else involved but everyone goes through a period of doubts wondering am I happy, is the grass greener, are we meant to be)? When you go through this phase its important to look closely at your partner at everything great about him that you do love. Ask yourself are we compatible mentally, sexually, emotionally? Do we have the same morals, values, beliefs and long term goals? If we get married am I willing to do whatever it takes to make it work?

Surely I would have just dismissed it all? I am happy in my relationship, but the last few months with people talking to us about marriage and stuff also made me start thinking deeply about how do I know if he is the one, etc. Then this issue with my friend has cropped up and I can't separate or work out my feelings for either person!

This sounds to me like an escape from reality. Your not ready for marriage. Your worried about it and you cant deal with it so you are escaping by focusing your attention on your "friend" and allowing him to distract you from the problem. It is an emotional affair and you need to cut him out of your life.

What also bugs me, is that pretty much everyone always comments on how we'll end up together - what if they have always been right?

If you were meant to be together-it would have happened a long time ago. All those times you were single-he could have made a move then but he didnt. And you would have realized a long time ago that you saw him as more than a friend if there was anything there between you. Like I said already. He is just a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality right now because you are not ready to deal with something in your relationship.

[michelle23]

There is no such thing as "soul mates", "destiny", "love at first site", "meant to be". Its all bull.

You meet someone, you get on well, you fall in love-your compatible. That is the easy part. The hard part is nurturing that love and helping it to stay strong by not taking each other for granted, putting each other first, not allowing yourself to get distracted or to think "is the grass greener", not falling into the trap of an emotional affair, recognizing threats to your relationship and avoiding them. All relationships take work, you have to work hard to keep the romance, intimacy and affection alive-otherwise you grow apart and it ends.

By the way your "friend" has always been a threat to your relationship. To all your relationships and he will continue to be unless you tell him straight he missed his chance, tough shit, that is life! If he knew he wanted you ten years ago-why wait until your practically planning to get married to tell you? If he really loved you, really wanted you and cared for you-he would not have tried this crap now. He would have done it a long time ago.

He has been your male girlfriend (as wakeup says) for a long time or gay best friend. He chose to be that as he didnt have the balls to ask you out when you met him. You should never be this close to anyone unless he is your bf. Its a recipe for disaster and it always ends in tears.

[pcmaster]

In the end who even cares? Do what you want. No matter what anyone says thats what you gona end up doing anway. The only way how to find something out is do it. So question "what if" can be answered only with a quess.

[skybeam29]

Hi again,

Thank you for all of your advice.

I know it seems strange as to why he has never said anything - but I was only single for about 6 months between my first boyfriend - who is friends with this guy-friend. He could never have acted on anything then as they are good friends, and I am friends with his ex girlfriend - the timing was too close. I think he took his chance this time purely because he figures it's his last chance, his friends have encouraged him to go for it and he didn't expect me to actually reciprocate any feelings. He really isn't a bad guy. In this situation he has even spoken to his mum, grandma, family, friends... and been totally honest about what he's feeling. That's definitely not like him and I do believe that the feelings he has are for real.

My boyfriend and I have now had a discussion about our relationship - I initiated it as I felt there were things we needed to talk about. My boyfriend thinks that lately we've lost the spark that we used to have and I'd agree with him - I think this is why I started having a few questions in my mind as to whether we were right for each other or not. Now, we never really talked about marriage, kids etc. properly before, not like a lot of couples! But I brought this up too, and he said he didn't really realise we didn't, and that admittedly he wasn't much of a talker but it doesn't mean he hadn't thought about it. He wants to know what will help answer the doubts that I have - whether that be space, working on the 'spark' etc. I am not sure how to get space though as we live together. During the conversation, it came up that he has read a text message from my friend giving me advice on the situation with this guy-friend. So I had to explain it - not in finite detail, and not that I was considering anything, but I did admit it had confused me further.

I have no idea what to do and how to know if my boyfriend is the one to hold onto!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like you, nor your boyfriend, really care that much that your relationship is fading. Perhaps end it and be with your "best friend", and see if that lights a fire under you.

[okwhat2013]

Seriously, you just have to be honest with yourself. That is always first. If you love your friend more than your boyfriend then do it. If you want your friend because your boyfriend lost his new car smell, well, just cheat on your boyfriend with your friend and also the next guy that looks shiny and new. Doing the latter will either lead you to the car you love so much you will always want to fix it instead of buying new or you will be broken down, alone in some junk yard, hoping some smelly guy comes by and tuggs at your headlight because his car at home has a broken one.

[Mells]

Hi, I've been watching this thread with interest as I'm in a very similar situation. Can I ask what you have decided to do?

[Melily]

Hi skybeam..

You dont ever want to loose a good friendship... i have a friend we were best friends and then dated, things never worked out and we tried to remain friends but things are not the same.. we argue more than ever before but i really love him as my bestfriend

I think use should talk about your feelings for one another and come to a conclusion what to do because u wouldnt want any awkwardness between use...use are friends for a really long time and i'm sure u love and care for him more than anything.

So talk about things ans clear the air and if use both want to take you friendship to the next level-i guess its worth the try.. remember you do have a boyfriend and in this process someone is going to get hurt.

Do what makes you happy

[leandre maurice]

In my opinion I think that you should sit down with him and have a open discussion and decide whether its worth to lose your friendship of eleven years or is it worth it to just let it go. At the moment you and his family has a great relationship and you wouldn't want to be the cause that your friendship[ ends just because of what he said. You should be open to your boyfriend and tell him about your friends feeling and in what way you are going to handle it.

[skybeam29]

Thanks again for all the responses.

I had a really good chat with my best friend and my boyfriend. I actually thought I'd made a decision to focus on my current relationship. But I still have this nagging feeling that I can't shake. The bizarre thing is that I know I get on really well with my best friend, but I can't work out if I am attracted to him - clearly, we have been flirting and on some level i must be attracted to him - but if I think about sleeping with him, it doesn't feel right. Is that the sign I need?!

[Yana1389]

I understand how you feel. You are confused. But I think you are not ready to marry him, and you are looking for a way out rather than being in love with your best mate. Give it a time, do not rush your decisions. But do not be a jerk to your partner. Your best friend is acting bad.