My long sad love story

[Owly]

This is my love story. (I'm sorry it'll be too long)

First of, I'm 20. And I'm dating this guy for 5 years and one month now (although we had many break ups during this time). I never stopped loving him, and I still do. As much as I always did, or even more... He's name is Rafael.

I love him for about 9 years now. Before we were together, I used to be the little girl who had a crush on him. The whole school knew...even he did. (It happened because we look very alike. Everyone thinks we're brother and sister, even today. And back then, I was fascinated about that boy, who had my weird-looking hair!).

But of course, I was just a kid and he never loved me back (he's 3 years older than me). We used to be neighbors but we weren't friends or anything. I was introduced to him, and we used to text a little (always me trying to reach him, of course...), and say "hi". Sometimes he talked to me in a sweet way, but he was probably just being nice. Nothing ever happened. He even got some girlfriends in the mean time and I was put to a lot o heart-breaks thanks to that. But I never gave up. I was actually pretty mean to those girlfriends of his, and made their lives miserable. - come on, I was a kid! - Some of them actually started to fear me, believing I was a witch.

Well, thanks to that he stopped talking to me and saw me as an "enemy" for some months. However, one day, when he had broken up with the last one, I said I was sorry for all the things I did, that I never ment to hurt him, and that I was stupid because I was jealous and mad. He was very understanding and even said he'd done the same, that those girls were actually pretty stupid. And just like that, we were "friends" again.

Anyway, one day he moved away, and I didn't see him for a whole year. I was 13 going on 14 by then and I had this "boyfriend" for a couple of months, Augusto, a guy from my class. But he always knew I didn't like him, and I was deeply in love with Rafael. But he told me that the best way to forget someone was to be with another person. And by that time, (although I was so young), I really started to think that the best thing would be trying to forget Rafael. Who I'd probably never see again...and never loved me. We didn't even talk anymore.
However, before I accepted dating this guy, I texted Rafael, and told him how I felt. And he said to me, we'd have to meet some day and find out if we had chemistry in order to see if we could be together... And I told him I'd be waiting. Tried to contact him some other three or four times, but he never answered. I believe two months went by, and nothing... So that guy from my class who liked me, he was still insisting, and I finally accepted trying to date him.

We were together for about 8 months. But of course, it wasn't serious. We were more like friends who kissed sometimes. At a point, I started to think I might actually kinda like him a little, he was very sweet to me and a good friend. But I still dreamed about Rafael every day.

One lucky day, I had a field trip to Rafael's new home town for some reason. And we stopped by his school. I saw him for the first time in one year and some months. I was 15 now. My heart jumped out of my chest and I felt this agony, the love of my life was standing there! What were the odds...! He saw me and he looked at me. But I didn't have the guts to go say hi. Besides, Augusto was right there. But I was clearly very nervous and blushed. All my friends knew exactly what was going on. And so did Augusto. And so he left, very upset. I went home that day feeling pretty shitty about myself. And I tried to break up with Augusto, explaining to him that seeing Rafael again made me realize what I already known. I never stopped loving him. But Augusto begged me not to. And I felt sorry for him, and didn't.

But I couldn't resist, and at that point, I grabbed all my strengths and prayed to God that Rafael didn't change his number, and I texted him. Saying "I saw you yesterday. It has been a while..." He answered. And he said he saw me too, and that he was going to say hi, but I was surrounded with friends and he felt like he shouldn't. He even said I looked different, more womanly (grown up), and he asked me why I didn't talk to him that day. So I told him about Augusto and everything. And we started talking again - this time A LOT! And it wasn't just me, he started conversations very frequently.

From that point, he started to take a lot of interest in me. And one month after we started talking, we arranged a first date. To go see Sweeney Todd at the movies. I'd never been SO NERVOUS in my whole life. (By then I tried one hundred times to break up with Augusto and explain him that I really love this guy. And he eventually accepted.). After our first date, he said he never took notice of how pretty I was. And, well, another month later, after many many sweet talk and so, he asked me to be his girlfriend. That must have been the happiest day in my entire life. And our first kiss, was the most beautiful experience I've ever had. It was a dream came true.. After 3/4 years loving Rafael, I could finally feel like a princess with a happy ending! And it was so worth the wait...

That makes me even more sad, because, I don't regret anything. He still his, to this day, the love of my life. And I wish fairy tales were true. But I guess they're only in my head. 9 months into we started dating, I found out he searched the internet for this girl he used to like. Sofia. He saw her once, and he fell madly in love with her. (Long before we started dating, of course, but after I started loving HIM). He was texting her and telling her about how he never forgot her, and that he loved her. And she told him that by that time she too had a little crush on him, but nothing ever happened of course. They have miles and miles to spare them appart and they only saw each other once). It was the worst day of my life. In part, because I understood him, what he was doing was pretty much what I'd done to Augusto. It had to be Karma. And apparently, that girl was his love. Not me. We broke up, and I wrote that girl a letter. Telling her how much I loved Rafael, and asking her to treat him right because he's the most special person in the world. She never answered. But still I kept on talking to him, and we eventually got back together. He said it was just some mess in his head. That he was sick of me but didn't care for her. For one year, we had a terrible relationship. I was very insecure, he treated me like crap and broke up with me all the time. He stopped sharing he's interests with me, was very secretive about the music he listened to (for example), and etc. But I kept on going after him. I suffered a lot, but i could never leave him, I really love him.

The second year was a little better, however, I found out that he was talking to her again, and we broke up. I went on my senior year trip (spring break) to Barcelona alone...for one week. When I came back, Rafel was the one who searched for me. And he said he loved me and I accepted him back right away.

Third year...went by, and everyone knew how proud I was of being with him. I truly madly deeply loved my boyfriend... But he kept on breaking up again and again for the most ridiculous little things, trying to get rid of me, I believe. Most of the times, like 80% he'd only come back because, I guess, I applied pressure for him to. He said he didn't like me, that I suck, that he was sick of me, he treated me like I'm not worthy of him and so on...but sometimes he was really sweet and he said that he gets mad and says things he doesn't mean to. I'm only telling the worst now, but we had great times together... And I'm so confused because, he can love me one day, and the next I'm nothing. It gets to the point were he refuses to hold me, to kiss... Why was he still around if he didn't love me? Because I know why I kept up with all the suffering. Because deep down, I knew, and know, I'll never love someone like I love him.

But one day, we broke up for some stupid reason, and although we got right back together a few days later, after that he refused to show up in public with me. We started dating in secret...which I thought was so mean and stupid. I mean, we were boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years! What's the sense in that? Anyway a few weeks later on that he broke up with me for good and he changed his number. I chased him down and begged him not to leave. But he wanted me out of his life.

One month passed, and in the meanwhile my friends were so sick of seeing me down in the dumps all the time, they introduced me to a guy, the best friend of my best friend's boyfriend. Well, that sounded great at the time. I felt really lonely. Because whenever he goes away, I feel like my world stops making sense. Talking to that boy was good for me. He made me feel like I was special, like someone could actually like me without me trying so hard! But of course, I never had any type of feelings for him.

However, a few weeks later, Rafael came along and said he missed me and he wanted to be with me. So I went straight to meet him, of course. And I told him I'd been talking to a guy. He said there was no problem, that he talked to some girls too. I felt disgusted at him. I couldn't believe he wen't looking for other girls, when he knew I never stopped loving him and was right there for him, as long as he wanted. So I told him I wouldn't stop talking to this guy because of him now. Because I was liking it. He said it was ok. I couldn't resist him, I never can. So we got back together. But this time I wanted him to go through what he made me go through so many times. We were dating, but I wanted to keep it a secret. In my 19th birthday I didn't invite him, but I invited that guy. He was so upset, he showed up and started forcing me to kiss him in front of everyone, and cried a lot. I was so mad about the fact that he had been seeing other girls while I was crying my eyes out, was so sick of feeling insecure, sick of the way he used to treat me, that I refused him. I was finally feeling like I was worth it. But I regret my actions the minute he left. I felt like crap. And the next day I followed him and I begged him to forgive me. Told him I love him more than anything in the world. And we got back together.

Nevertheless, I felt bad for the other guy, he was really sweet to me and I decided not to give up talking to him, it made no sense at that time. And I confess, it kinda felt nice to have somewhere to fall, if Rafael started acting like a bitch on me again. One day we went out, that guy and a friend of mine. But I lied to Rafael...I didn't tell him the other was coming along (shouldn't have done that...). And he caught me lying. So he made a scene and broke up for good. Changed his number again and disappeared. I deserved it. Not that I was cheating or thinking about it, but I lied.

The next day, I tried to find Rafael again, and beg him for forgiveness, but it was too late. A few days later we went out again (me, that guy and a friend), and he tried to kiss me. I texted Rafael about it and told him I loved him way to much, and having a guy trying that on me made me realize I loved him even more that I thought and I could NOT stand the idea of another man touching me. He didn't care, and changed his number. I stop talking and hanging out with that guy, and waited one month before I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to talk to Rafael again, and I told him I was leaving soon, for a year abroad (I was in college already by now). And that I wanted to be with him before that, no matter what it meant. We "booty called" each other for a few weeks, but he said he loved me and he missed me a lot. And so did I...we got back together, but he never trusted me again. He was pretty convinced I cheated on him. I didn't.

I never went on that year abroad, because, now with Rafael by my side, I could NEVER leave. I just want to be next to him. This fourth year was filled with ups and downs, he had periods of insecureness and sweetness, others of treating me like shit. I never actually realized if he loved me and he's a bipolar or was just used to me... Another year passed and right before we turned 5 years, he broke up with me, saying he felt nothing for me.

It has been four months since that happend. We were two months completely appart because I decided to let him go and not force him to be with me anymore. I love him way to much and I felt it was time to let him go, and be happy without me holding him back. But two months ago, my 8 year old cousin died. I was in shock, and I told him. Because he knew the little girl. He was very supportive. And as I later found out, he was going through a bad time himself. Gave up college and was lonely. I told him that I loved him but I regret making him stay for all these years when he clearly didn't love me. And I wouldn't do it again. He said it wasn't true. That he loved me and that if he stayed, it was because he wanted to, but we were very incompatible and very suspicious at each other. And that lack of trust, among other things destroyed our relationship. We started dating each other once again, but he refuses to have a relationship with me... Now, he refuses to kiss me in public, doesn't want to hold hands...I believe he only kisses me and such when it comes to the possibility of sex. He says we're just friends. Well...friends with benefits I believe. But it's being hard on me to pretend not to like him, and I'm starting to come out needy and sad. And he's getting bored and not talking to me.

He never said I love you again. A fact is, I haven't heard the words "I love you" since 2012. Even though I whisper them every day, every time I see him...every time I think of him. I miss being loved. Although our relationship has been SO difficult. At least, there were many many times when I felt loved. And being loved by the person you want most in this world, is worth every heartbreak. Now, I don't. I believe he's just waiting for the right one to come along, and I'm here so he doesn't feel alone. And that's about it. I don't know what to do. But leaving him, is not a possibility for me. I just can't. So I'll hang around 'till he leaves me again. Deep inside, I'm still that little girl who fell in love with him at school.

Well, if you had the time and patient to read all this, thank you. Feel free to give me some advice, or moral support, I'l appreciate it.

[michelle23]

I skimmed through it. You had an unhealthy destructive relationship and I think you probably have very low self-esteem or co-dependency issues because you allowed him to walk all over you and you kept giving him chance after chance.

Its either that or your just a very naive school girl who has not grown up yet and doesnt have a clue what a REAL relationship should be like.

I recommend you cut all contact with him, realize you deserve a lot better, get some personal therapy and set your standards and expectations a lot higher before you meet someone else.

People will treat you the way you allow them to and you would probably be much happier without him alone. What are you afraid of? Do you think you need him? You do not need him and you will get over him. It will take time but would you not prefer to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him? Someone who treats you right and makes you feel loved, secure and happy? Someone who doesnt dump you every second week for some other whore?

I dont understand women like you. It makes no sense to me.. Did your dad lock you in the basement and feed you scraps of dog food? What makes you think its okay for a man to treat you like a doormat? Are you that weak that you cannot find the strenght to walk away from someone who hurts you all the time? Your relationship is not built around respect, trust or love which are all vital if you want to be happy

[smackie9]

You spent 5 years in a crappy relationship? You have some growing up to do. Tip: a guy doesn't give you a life, only you can do this for yourself. Get some self worth by living with independence, courage, and discover your own indivuality. There is more to life than having a stupid BF. So get off the pot and start living life. Get into some activities, join a club, play a sport, learn to play guitar....do something!

[Owly]

I skimmed through it. You had an unhealthy destructive relationship and I think you probably have very low self-esteem or co-dependency issues because you allowed him to walk all over you and you kept giving him chance after chance.

Its either that or your just a very naive school girl who has not grown up yet and doesnt have a clue what a REAL relationship should be like.

I recommend you cut all contact with him, realize you deserve a lot better, get some personal therapy and set your standards and expectations a lot higher before you meet someone else.

People will treat you the way you allow them to and you would probably be much happier without him alone. What are you afraid of? Do you think you need him? You do not need him and you will get over him. It will take time but would you not prefer to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him? Someone who treats you right and makes you feel loved, secure and happy? Someone who doesnt dump you every second week for some other whore?

I dont understand women like you. It makes no sense to me.. Did your dad lock you in the basement and feed you scraps of dog food? What makes you think its okay for a man to treat you like a doormat? Are you that weak that you cannot find the strenght to walk away from someone who hurts you all the time? Your relationship is not built around respect, trust or love which are all vital if you want to be happy

First of all, thank you for your answer. Well, I do realize I have a problem. But I can't help it... I actually had some therapy already and it didn't help. The thing is I feel really really desperate whenever he's away, and when I try to let him go, I feel lost. But I do want him to be happy and try very hard. And even though most of the times I'm with him, I'm sad too, at least I'm not "miserable" and I feel relieved that he's near. I believe this doesn't make sense, but it is what I feel. My dad is the greatest dad ever, so it's not about daddy issues, but I do believe I'm very immature. And weak, yes. It's like I still believe we'll have a happy ending or that deep inside he likes me but he's just messed up. I forget reality is not a Disney movie! Oh well. Thank you.

[michelle23]

Look up the five stages of grief. When a long term relationship ends you go through a grieving process which can take anything from 6 months to 2 years. Yes it is difficult but at the end of it when your finally over him you will feel proud of yourself and strong for getting through it and you will be ready to meet a better man who is worth ten of him.

You will only be miserable without him for a short time and it is worth it. At least date one or two other people so you can see what else is out there coz there are men who would treat you a whole lot better. They may even show you what your worth.

You already know hes not that into you so why would you wait around for him to dump you? You should take back some of the control in the relationship, put the power in your hands and dump him. Then you can work on healing, on becoming independent and confident, you can show him what he is missing and what he has lost and you may even meet a better man along the way.

[Valixy]

You can't say you haven't tried, right? Time to let go maybe? This is a greater act of courage than keeping fighting sometimes. If you're undergoing therapy you will learn many important things about emotional addiction and how to overcome it.

My message for you, Owly is that Rafael is not the love of your life. The love of your life is supposed to feel the same for you and make you feel happy. He is just a guy that messed up all your adolescence and you very much provoked this. You could have been with someone else and have great experiences and lots of happy memories.

The idea of the unattainable is very seducing at your age but it shouldn't be more seducing than your real happiness. You probably feel that you wouldn't enjoy living an ordinary love, but there is no such thing as ordinary love and extraordinary love. Love is about making the right choices just like with any other things in life and being loved back is essential.

He is not even a guy you idealise and run after anymore. He's now just a guy who doesn't even say I love you anymore, doesn't want to hold your hand but would probably sleep with you sometimes, as you say. Just because you still have feelings for him shouldn't make you incapable of understanding that he doesn't love you anymore and doing the right thing, let this go for good. There's nothing special and romantic in keeping fighting for a man when you shouldn't be doing it anymore, it's just sad and unhealthy. You will have a hard time at the beginning but you will feel better in time and it's the only way.

You're still very young and you will meet someone who will like you just as much as you like him, then you'll see what a real happy love relationship is like

[pcmaster]

You are just 20 years young. When you finaly realise your worth life gona be easy for you.

People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world

You have a lot of insecurities in your mind they act like fence that dont let you be happy. Once you surrond with like minded people and thouse who believe and see more good in you than you do - you will start achieving thinks and dreams that you didnt even dared to believe. Ofcourse people like your ex eventually will bring you down to ground and below. Its your choice.

loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life

[michelle23]

Hes holding you back. I guarantee you your life will be so different in a year from now if you work up the courage and leave him. Anything is possible, anything could happen. You could work your way up and get promoted or get straight A's in college, you could make new friends, find new hobbies etc, or even go travelling. You are 20 years old. These are the best years of your life and right now you are just wasting it on someone who is stringing you along until he finds a plan B.

Do you want to look back in 5 years time and think "wow I wasted the past ten years" or do you want to end up pregnant to a guy who has no interest in you and youll become a single mother?

You are staying for all the wrong reasons. Please look up the signs of a healthy relationship. You probably have none of them

[toknow]

Owly, you are an exceptional human being. Don't listen to people who say you have issues. The people who have issues are those who can't see all you have to offer. You are the gem in this relationship because of the way you are capable of loving.
Not many people experience life as fully as you have and will experience it, because of your love. Whether you love the the wrong person, or the idea of him, the way you love is beautiful.

Reality can be better than a Disney movie.


"...and having a guy trying that on me made me realize I loved him even more that I thought and I could NOT stand the idea of another man touching me." (Absolutely beautiful. This is what real love feels like.)

[Lord Darkshire]

Ya it's called co-dependency.

[pcmaster]

Thats right you might want to google co-dependency and signs of a healthy relationship. Once you understand the problem its much easier to take right action.

[Owly]

Owly, you are an exceptional human being. Don't listen to people who say you have issues. The people who have issues are those who can't see all you have to offer. You are the gem in this relationship because of the way you are capable of loving.
Not many people experience life as fully as you have and will experience it, because of your love. Whether you love the the wrong person, or the idea of him, the way you love is beautiful.

Reality can be better than a Disney movie.


"...and having a guy trying that on me made me realize I loved him even more that I thought and I could NOT stand the idea of another man touching me." (Absolutely beautiful. This is what real love feels like.)

Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it, and hope you're right. It would be so great if everyone who loves was corresponded by their loved ones. But oh well... Thank you!

[Owly]

Thats right you might want to google co-dependency and signs of a healthy relationship. Once you understand the problem its much easier to take right action.

I guess I should..perhaps it might open my mind a little bit! Although I'm pretty sure I'm hopeless (in love). Well, who knows. Won't hurt me to try to fix my head anyway! Thank you.

[Owly]

Hes holding you back. I guarantee you your life will be so different in a year from now if you work up the courage and leave him. Anything is possible, anything could happen. You could work your way up and get promoted or get straight A's in college, you could make new friends, find new hobbies etc, or even go travelling. You are 20 years old. These are the best years of your life and right now you are just wasting it on someone who is stringing you along until he finds a plan B.

Do you want to look back in 5 years time and think "wow I wasted the past ten years" or do you want to end up pregnant to a guy who has no interest in you and youll become a single mother?

You are staying for all the wrong reasons. Please look up the signs of a healthy relationship. You probably have none of them

I think you're right. I find myself wondering about this many many times. As I'm wasting the best years of my life loving someone who doesn't love me back. Even though I can't help it. But I'm scared I'll get old and when I finally realize I can't take it anymore, I'll be old, with a bunch of cats. Which isn't bad. I love cats...lol. But oh well, I just wish he loved me 1/3 of how much I hove him. But I do realize my best chances are to move along while I still can... Thank you.

[toknow]

Owly, love finds it's own. To want love is the most real, honest, and dignifying desire.

The way he responded to your love does not make it less beautiful, but more so because it shows its persistence, care, stability, faithfulness, loyalty, and strength.