Lost love. Warning: long story

**Anemena** · 30-03-13, 12:42 PM

If this is in the wrong place please move it for me

So this will be long,

So my history with this girl is a bit weird in my opinion. I had a dream in grade 9 about a girl and we really hit it off, though I had no idea who it was. i hadnt had a relationship really at this point so it was a strange feeling for me. fast forward to highschool, first day of grade 10 art class, I was looking around to see my new classmates and low and behold there she was just sitting there. For that whole year I never really thought about her, but one night during the summer I went to a party and she was there. We started talking and hit the ground running, I left early with my friend and she told him to give me her number, so we started texting, became best friends and almost a couple. We went to the city's park together for walks, to concerts, to parties, etc. we'd stay up every night talking to each other. Now the hitch here is she gave me all of the signs she liked me, and I gave them back but never acted on it. She would kiss me on the cheek, hang off my arm in public, sit with me/sit in me, hug me everytime we'd meet. I would compliment her, carry her things if we were going to class together, open doors, buy her movie tickets or lunch/dinner. I think we were at the point where we were both fully aware of how each other felt but just too nervous to act. Then came the fateful day in grade 12 when another guy asked her out and she said yes. I was crushed but i like to think I'm pretty strong so I just kept on keeping on. I figured at that point I had missed my chance, but everytime they'd be around she would act unhappy with him, or push him away when he'd kiss her in front of me, almost act like they weren't actually dating. Still I was really hurt and blamed myself for taking too long, I was very depressed and basically sat at home doing nothing for a few months. Then I decided I need to move on, so I got up and decided to cut off contact with her. We met at a few parties and she'd ask why we didn't talk as much anymore and why we'd grown apart, i told her i didn't know. It was hard but I found myself a girlfriend, who went to prom with me and we dated or two years. All was going fine but about a year and a half in I had another dream about this girl and when I awoke all of my feelings came rushing back to me. What's worse is that all of my feelings for my current girlfriend went out the window, almost like she was a rebound and I suddenly realized it. I tried for 6 months to fix it but it was over and eventually I gave in and ended it. A few weeks after that ended I found another girl and we started dating. Now fast-forwarding to my current situation. We fight and don't get along about 30-40% of the time, we live together but I feel like its too much and want to move out, and a week ago I had yet another dream about this girl having almost the same effect in this relationship. I still care about my girlfriend but I'm sad about this other girl and its one of my biggest regrets in my life.

So now this is my dilemma, I've decided I will contact this girl via facebook (only way i can really) but I'm not sure exactly how she'll feel. I would like more than anything for us to be friends again and I'm not really interested in rekindling our relationship any further than that. At least not while I still care about my girlfriend. I was thinking something like:
"Hi there, it's certainly been a while. I'll just be blunt, i feel like I owe you a much deserved apology for the way I treated you at the end highschool, I don't expect forgiveness or anything, I just wanted to make the gesture."

Now the problem is this might come off as sad and if I want to rekindle the friendship I don't want that, who wants to hang out with the emo kid?

Anyways I'm set on messaging her so my question is:
How should I do it?

Ps. I don't want to say I was just browsing and came across her profile or something like that. Something a little more meaningful so it makes her think rather than glancing over it and ignoring it.

Thanks!

Pss. Who am I kidding I still love this girl, I haven't felt the same way about either of my other long term relationships. Though I am prepared to be turned down I'd still like advice.

**VerticalMoon** · 31-03-13, 12:31 AM

I think you should break-up with your current girlfriend first. It's really not fair to her that you're getting in contact with somebody you claim to feel more strongly about while you're still with her. You're basically keeping her hanging around just in case you can't find anybody better. If you want to explore your options with the first girl, fine. But do the right thing and break up with your current girlfriend first. Don't try to pretend that you're doing something innocent and only contacting a friend when your motives are obviously about more than that.

It's likely the girl you like is still taken or will be uninterested in you. But then, if you're single, you'll have time to yourself to figure out what you want in a relationship. You'll have opportunities to meet other girls. But you're really cutting off your other options when you're wasting your time on somebody you know isn't right for you. It sounds like a lot of the problem with the first girl may have been a timing issue. You waited too long, and then you couldn't pursue her because she was in a relationship. Now, it's possible she may be single, but YOU'RE in a relationship. If I was her, and I did have feelings for you, I would stay far away as long as you were living with another girl. If you were single, that would be a completely different story. But as long as you're jumping into relationships too quickly and staying in them too long, there will always be a timing issue. Not just with her, but with other girls that might come along in the future as well. You’ll be spending too much time on the wrong ones and missing your opportunities with the right ones.

**smackie9** · 31-03-13, 12:46 AM

You keep having these dreams every time you fail with a girl, because you keep trying to achieve to have those feelings you had with the girl from your past. High school was a long time ago, and it's time to bury it and move on. You may not have had a chance with her anyways...it's possible you were friend zoned.

So you want to take the chance? Just message her, and have a get together with her to talk about life. If she is single, and she seems interested in you, ask her out on a date. Don't apologize.....it's too late for that. You are better to start fresh, be positive, and greet her with a smile.

**Anemena** · 31-03-13, 12:48 AM

Thanks for the reply. I completely understand what you mean about leading my girlfriend on. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel about her, I love her very dearly but when I look at the future I just don't see her as a a mother or a wife in my life. It's not as though I feel nothing and probably somewhere I'm just afraid to be alone, almost like I'd rather sit and be comfortably in a relationship than risk it going after this other girl.

As for the second half, to the best of my knowledge this other girl doesn't have a boyfriend currently. We were very close so I don't see us being friends again as too big of a leap I just don't know how to break the ice to initiate it.

Ps. Nice signature but scientifically speaking you would go into shock, pass out and probably die of blood loss before you could accomplish that haha.

**smackie9** · 31-03-13, 04:23 AM

The chewing off your arm is in context to when you wake up next to a coyote uggo from the night before and you don't want to wake them up for you want to leave undetected so you chew off your arm as to not disturb them. Losing an arm is so worth it.

**smackie9** · 31-03-13, 04:25 AM

How about saying hi, I would like to meet up with you to catch up.

**lamobatsman** · 31-03-13, 04:31 AM

i think u were already friendzoneddd

**michelle23** · 31-03-13, 05:41 AM

Man you need counselling. Clinging onto a girl you had a crush on in school is not normal. Most people get over all their stupid crushes and get on with their life. Its ridiculous that all your feelings for ur girl who you have shared a hell of a lot more with just go out the window over a stupid dream. Thatd got to be a sign of low self esteem at the very least-mental disorder at the worst.

Look break up with your gf and persue this girl. Your always thinking the grass is greener with her anyway no matter what so go out with her. I bet alk your illusions of her will be shattered and youll realize you wasted a lot of time obsessing over her.

You were infatuated by her, you put her on a pedastal and have daydreamed and fantasized about her thinking shes perfect. The reality with her will prob be hell compared to your daydream but do it so you can get over her once and for alk and so the next time you meet a girl you may focus all your attention on her.

**michelle23** · 31-03-13, 05:45 AM

But do not be an ass and start contactimg her while ur still with your gf. Give her the respect she desetves and end the relationship with dignity and pride.

I would almost bet 100quid-2months with the other girl-youll wana run straight back to your ex and shell tell u to go **** youself and then youll spend ten years obsessing over her.

Like i said you need counselling!

**Valixy** · 31-03-13, 06:18 AM

I really think the age factor has such a strong influence in your drama and it's not much you can do about that. You are only 20 years old and still so close to who you were 4-5 years ago and this can be so confusing. I can tell you though that the new person that you will become from 20 to 30 is going to be a new man and you will experience love in way that will overcome your nostalgies from adolescence.

Try to live the moment with your current girlfriend and solve the issues you have the best you can. Don't worry if can't see her as a wife or a mother in your life, I doubt you would be able to see any woman in this way because you still have a long way to go until you'll be ready to become a husband or a father.

I agree with you that you have a special connection with the girl from your dreams, but only that, a special connection. This doesn't mean that she is the one. You will experience a special connection with many people in your life, men and women, some will stay longer in your life, others will not. I think you owe to yourself to contact her, keep it simple and positive as the other posts said too. You'll be able to see who she is today, maybe a totally a new girl that you could only have a normal friendship with, maybe she'll want to be in contact with you again, maybe not. Anyway you'll have a chance to give your fantasies a reality check. What you'll find out, it will help you understand the relationship with your current girlfriend and make things better in a way or another.

**Anemena** · 31-03-13, 07:37 AM

Again thanks everyone for the replies. As for the arm thing I was simply making a joke no need to be so uptight haha.

I figured I should share a few things about myself. I would never cheat on a girl, so I won't disrespect my girlfriend ever, even drunk I've tuned down many a chance. Another thing is I am not hung up on this girl I don't obsess or think about her on a consistent basis, only when I have the odd dream, at this point I've almost gotten over it again. The thing that bothers me is that is was my first real crush, and the feeling was retuned by her. I could have seen myself spending my life with her, I understand that I've made a symbol in my mind of how she was and I realize she will be very different now. I've lived my whole life with the ideology that if I wanted something I got it, not in a spoiled way, I would earn it. My parents both raised me to live like that, and this was the only real thing I never got so in a way it's my only regret. On a deeper level I simply want to achieve it to be able to clear my slate and say that I've obtained everything I've tried for.

This whole thread was about how I should approach it and not what is wrong with me psychologically by the way, so is prefer if more people could stay on topic.

And just out of curiosity how was I friendzoned? I've friend zoned people myself, been friend zoned, and seen it happen many times and I honestly don't feel like this is the case.

Also I already feel like this relationship is slowly but surely coming to a close so I won't go back, I've never done it before and it's almost abusive at the moment (towards me). Not somewhere I want to be.

**lamobatsman** · 31-03-13, 08:15 AM

She would kiss me on the cheek, hang off my arm in public, sit with me/sit in me, hug me everytime we'd meet. I would compliment her, carry her things if we were going to class together, open doors, buy her movie tickets or lunch/dinner. I think we were at the point where we were both fully aware of how each other felt but just too nervous to act. Then came the fateful day in grade 12 when another guy asked her out and she said yes.

thats friendzoned. if she liked you she would have asked you out at the least tehn adn not said yes to that guy. i dont think she saw u more than a best friend back then

**Anemena** · 31-03-13, 10:26 AM

Haha I'm not trying to defend myself or tell anyone they're wrong, but I don't have any other friends who did these things on a regular basis, and girls don't really ask men out at any age as society teaches them that's wrong. I have seen friends go through situations like this and settle because they didn't want to wait any longer. I didn't see it as her being moving on or anything, simply as her settling at the time. Maybe that was just my way of seeing it who knows.

**smackie9** · 31-03-13, 11:19 PM

Maybe this is you opportunity to come out and ask her. You are adults now, ask her if she was waiting for you to make her your GF or were you just really good friends...I dare ya.

**Anemena** · 01-04-13, 04:18 AM

Haha I like the idea, but I wouldn't do something like that while I'm in a relationship. If she were to come back into my life as more than a friend that would cause huge problems. Slowly but surely over the past few days I've stopped feeling anything about it again, and I could only see us as friends now. Weird I know, but it seems to me that my cool down period is decreasing for her, maybe eventually it'll just go away.

Thread: Lost love. Warning: long story

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