New-just need to have someone listen

[AnaisNin]

Hi, I think my friends are tired of listening to me and hoping I'll get over my heartbreak, so I thought I'd come here instead.

Quick summary:

Was friends with a man I met in my social circle. We hit it off, flirted, started going out.

He's abnormally quirky and there were a lot of red flags, but I ignored them because we'd been such good friends and I couldn't imagine that he would hurt me.

Things progressed slowly, but we talked about not wanting to rush things.

It was a slow relationship, but because it built slowly over time I found myself falling in love with him.

Until he realized I was falling for him and right before I went on a three week vacation told me he didn't think he could be in a relationship. We talked, cried, he ended up telling me it would all be ok. Kissing me as I was crying.

We emailed the whole time I was on my trip, he said everything was fine.

Came back, all good.

Then he got distant, didn't communicate with me at all. Not out of the blue for his personality, since he's a withdrawn introvert. And had warned me he'd be busy with a lot of things.

Then an email saying he wanted no further contact with me.
Sent back a present I'd given him, which had a lot of sentimental value.

We dated over a period of 9 months, had been friends for over a year.

I find myself still crying and upset that it's over.

When I write it out, it seems evident it was never going to work. But my heart is still broken. And when we were dating, we seemed perfect for each other. Made each other laugh, so many of the same interests, enjoyed each other's company, were attracted to each other, listened to each other,could talk for hours had so many of the same values and concerns.

I don't know what went wrong, except as my friends say, it had nothing to do with me.

But it still hurts.

It's been almost two months since he dumped me by email and I'm still hurting.

Time heals all wounds etc, but right now I just want to get through this.

We both belong to a group that might entail that we'll see each other again. We have a lot of the same friends in common. He's avoiding seeing me (as a friend told me), so I don't know what's going on.

I feel like I walked into an alternate universe.

Thanks for listening.

[Wakeup]

Sorry you're hurting, however:

He's abnormally quirky and there were a lot of red flags, but I ignored them because we'd been such good friends and I couldn't imagine that he would hurt me.

Don't do that anymore. Red flags are red flags no matter who is flying them.

Try your best to change the subject of him as soon as he pops into your head. Consciously change the subject to something else instead of talking ad nauseum until your friends won't listen and then starting all over again in a forum which will just keep the topic of him forefront in your mind. When you're alone stop wallowing in your thoughts and get out of your own brain.

Its been two months now so try to turn that curve onto the road to recovery.
Help yourself through this.

[AnaisNin]

Hi, thanks, Wakeup.

You're right. I guess I just need to hear someone tell that to me. Thanks.

[Wakeup]

You're welcome, Anais.
Stick around and contribute to other threads as well as your own, hopefully it will help you forget ole "whatshisname."

[michelle23]

you need to keep busy, distract yourself and focus on positive things such as family, friends, work, study, hobbies.

join something new thats out of your comfort zone, something exciting and fun where you can meet new people.

it will take time but you will get ver him.

and wakeup is right. never ignore those red flags. be more cautious in future. have a checklist and make sure he ticks every box

best of luck x

[stan92964]

Your friends are right, it probably wasn't you. The problem is his inadequacies. A loss of this kind always hurts, there's no getting around it. Getting better is like watching the clock move ... you can't see the progress but you slowly are getting better. Talking about it does help and you are right again, your friends often get tired of hearing it. It's sad that so many people are that way. It might interest you to know that there are more than 125 million people on the internet looking for love. That's just an average cross section of society ... some good and some bad. I believe there is always many people out there who would be a much better fit than what you just experienced. Just learn to ask the right questions so you will know. Join a dating site and write to several guys at once ... enjoy the process. It will help you a lot. And by the way, just ignore the ones that don't answer you ... that's just part of the process. Remember, you only need 1 that works.

[AnaisNin]

Thanks, Wakeup. I'm about to go get some fresh air, but I'll try to see what I can contribute when I get back home.

Thanks, Michelle. Good advice and I'll try to follow it.

The only thing that makes getting over him difficult is that we do have quite a few friends in common and there's a weekly group we're both a part of that we'll eventually see each other at, unless one of us drops out. I've been a member of the group for several years (it's a small group) and he joined a little over a year ago. So I don't want to drop out, since the other people in it are good friends.

So that keeps tearing open the wound.

But I'm trying to be strong, move on and let it go.

[AnaisNin]

Thanks, Stan. I did try a dating site right after he dumped me and met a guy for coffee. I wasn't ready and am afraid of going on a rebound and hurting someone else. So I want to give myself some time before I venture into dating again.

But you're right. It only takes one.

[stan92964]

I've been married for more than 10 years now but before that I went through a similar experience and can still remember the pain and hurt. I thought I could never love again. I joined a dating site and just emailed ladies around the world. I was genuine and upfront about where I was at in my process. Most of them were not romantic connections but I made some good friends. It helped me a lot. I eventually met my wife and I think most everyone is looking for the kind of relationship that I have found.

[michelle23]

stay away from the group for awhile till your over him . if there good friends they will understand and still be there when your ready.

your right to take your time before dating again and well done for recognizing that but you can still flirt a little and enjoy the attention. it will make you laugh and smile which is good for you.

it was only 9months so dont worry youll be over him in no time at all. 6months tops and then youll never look back