Lost, broken & dead inside. (Someone please help me :( )

[fklove]

I dont really know where to start from, unfortunately, its a long sad story...

So me & my ex-girlfriend we have been dating since February, if i had to describe our relationship in a word i'd say Bittersweet, we fought all the time but when we didnt, everything was perfect, the most perfect relationship i've ever had. It's a long distance relationship, i live in Europe & she lives in United States of America, distance never affected us in anyway, untill now...

Since the start of this month, April, it was the end of everything. She had to go to a rehab and i think that was it, our relationship went downhill since there, i really love her and so i waited for her, it was the most painful week i've ever had, untill now... Once she came back i was here for her, unfortunately she's someone who's always commiting mistakes, mistake over mistake and i dont really trust her ( you'll understand why soon ), so right after she was back, i found a lie. I told her if she lied to me or cheated on me i'd break up with her. The lie i found out was from February, where she ditched me to go to her Ex's boyfriend birthday dinner, when i knew... i literally exploded. Literally.
I started insulting her, telling her the worse things i could ever do because im that kind of person, when things happen in the heat of the moment i dont ever think and that was it, i hurted her and she hurted me, the absolute chaos.

Since that day, we stopped talking, she was on with her life and i was on with mine, we could see eachother's profiles, she said she was better without me, i said the same, etc. I was sad because i expected her to chase me, truth is... She didnt.
After those 2 weeks of suffering she came & talked to me, i told her i forgave her and that everything was alright. Truth is i expected us to re-start talking, but seemed like she didnt want it, she said hi, how are you bla bla then stopped responding, yet, she told me good night.
The next day she didnt even talk to me and thats when i thought... if she loves me why is she doing this? I dont really get it... still in that doubt.

Then, figured that was it. Time to forget her for once and for all, i had already deleted her from all social networks exept one, the problem is that she was on it everyday and i was very tempted to check it, i had to, if i did go a hour without checking it i'd die. So i put on my profile saying i had a girlfriend, expressing how much happy i was and how i was over her, thats when she came... She said 'Oh i see you moved on ~'
That was it, i had every change to get rid of her, even thought it would kill me i was gonna be able to forget her, but no... Love makes us all weak doesn't it? She was already saying that she was dying without me, that she wished luck for me and my new gf and that she was gonna delete that social network and i could finaly move on... but no. I gave in, once again, i gave in and guess what? I suffered and this time its the worse.
We started talking about how much we missed eachother, the memories, how we used to be, what we used to say, etc. One thing led to another & i ended up admiting i had no girlfriend, she said she was very happy and that she was gonna fight for me... and i was happy untill something happend...

Right after that, she told me to re-add her where i had deleted her, i did it but then... she vanished. She deleted the social network we were talking about (idk why, if everything was alright why would she do it) and then she simply vanished, its been a day and half and i havent heard from her, its not normal... She doesnt do this, theres always contact, shes always on something.

And im dying because im here, in Europe and shes in America, i have no idea of what happend, if she left me, if she died, if shes hurt, if she was kidnapped, i have no idea and im so lost i dont know what to do, i really dont...
What if she died? She's very suicidal and she threated to suicide before but she had no reasons to do it... if we were gonna be alright... why?

I dont get it, what should i do? I've never been this lost.
Is it worth living? I dont see a reason to live anymore tbh, im so empty...

[lostlub]

she is playing a fool with you. move on/

[fklove]

How? How can she be doing this to me? How?

She has no idea of how i am now, i wouldnt do this to my biggest enemie..

[michelle23]

jeez man you were together like 3months? how can you say your heart broken and dead inside you drama queen.

cut all contact with her ang get over her. shes obviously not worth it

[Resessions]

You are in Europe and she is in the USA. I'm going to say she is probably messing with you. The two of you have an ocean in between you. It likely hurts but your best bet is to move on. Sounds like she did.

[fklove]

@michelle, dont call me drama queen when you dont know how i feel, i really love her or else i wouldn't be posting here, im desperate.

Resessions, it kind of makes no sense because she said that she loved me we made up and then she deletes her account and vanishes?

She would atleast tell me something... shes killing me.

[smackie9]

Wow you are a very very lonely person to be so invested in someone you talk to on a computer screen....doesn't that sound pathetic? It's time you took a good hard look at what you are doing with your life and where you are going with it. You sound like you have an empty life and she was the only thing you had. Truly you need to get yourself a life. Focus on your self worth because right now you ain't got none. Fill your life with a few good friends, go out and be in the world doing things for yourself. Join a gym, get involved in a sport, join a club, get a hobby that you can share with others......just do something positive and constructive. The internet is full of nonsense and you can't take a relationship that is only a few months old with someone you have never met seriously.....it's not her you desire, it's a desire to love and be loved.....you can't get that on a computer, you need to go out irl and physically find it.

Forget about her....her problems are not your responsibility...if anything is wrong it's up to her family and friends to deal with it.

[fklove]

I am not a lonely person nor i need to get myself a life, i just fell in love by someone, is that a reason to mock me? I fell in love for her and for the connection that we had, if it wasnt love i wouldnt be here posting this, trust me. I go out plently of times and nothing satisfies me, i feel like utter crap without her.

Ressesions, this is what i dont get, she begged for me back, then when we make up why does she delete her account and vanishes? It makes no sense..

I think she probably died and i cant stand that fact

[smackie9]

I wasn't mocking you. People who invest so much in so little time with someone they have never met points to low self esteem. What I'm saying is that you are better than this.

[smackie9]

Read up on "shining knight or white knight syndrome"

[fklove]

I dont know why but your comment made me feel better, i kind of thought it was offensive but it made me realize a few things, if you were like 'ohhh come onnn its okay' id be even saddier, my day kinda got better.

Btw, im a very confident person, sometimes even more than i should, wich takes me away from reality.

[smackie9]

I can guarantee you when you look back on this in a few months and read over your messages with her and stuff, you will see how silly it all was.

[fklove]

The main problem here is not moving on, i know that i will have to. The problem here is that i dont know what happend to her, if she died, if shes on the hospital, i have no idea.

If she's dead i swear i wont be able to live anymore..

[smackie9]

The main problem here is not moving on, i know that i will have to. The problem here is that i dont know what happend to her, if she died, if shes on the hospital, i have no idea.

If she's dead i swear i wont be able to live anymore..

Dear this is why internet relationships are not healthy. IMO you cannot base a deletion of a FB account as a death or kidnapping. I agree with the other poster....she is probably just messing with your head. I feel she is just sticking it to ya.....kind of sick personality that like to manipulate and control those who are in their weakest moment. She's got ya man...you are letting her win this one.

[fklove]

Truth, my friend also said it.

Im weak and i lost it, i recognize.