Dead inside.

[michaelking]

Girlfriend of 5 years just left me and now I feel like I am drowning. We've been doing this for years. I wouldn't say her reason for leaving is mainly my fault, but I've made quite the contribution. We have our doubts in one another, especially when we drink. We spent alot of our time arguing and blaming one another for our own insecurities. I woke up and she was gone and now I feel like life isn't worth living. Everything is moving in slow motion and I just feel so damn alone. However, our love is strong and we always end up getting back together. But for some reason, I don't see that happening. I am somewhat abusive. No, I don't feel great about it, nor was I raised that way. But, I just can't stop myself from doing it. I've recently joined a domestic violence support group. Why? Because I do want to change. Tears fill my eyes for the pain I've put her through, and I deserve every bit of it. I just need a way to cope through this breakup. Has anyone been here before. Our love is strong and I "figure" that it will once again bring us together. Until then, I will be lost. Please someone help. I literally feel like I need to hurt myself, but refrain from doing so because I still have a small glimmer of hope.

[VincenzoG91]

Think of this breakup as a wakeup call and an opportunity. Take this time to work on becoming a better person, and if she wants to get back together with you later, there is a chance that you can share a better relationship because you became a better person. Getting back together tomorrow or next week would probably be a waste of time, because there wouldn't have been any changes that would lead to a better outcome.

Maybe this already covered by your support group, but an anger management class might be a good idea. I was sometimes verbally abusive to my girlfriend, friends and co-workers, but my girlfriend pushed me to take an anger management class. I did it, but thought that it would just be some b-s to keep my girlfriend happy. Instead, it turned out to be a very positive experience that saved both my relationship and my career.

Aside from that, try to find some productive or enjoyable ways to fill your spare time. Learn a new skill, or take up a new hobby. Take on some more responsibility at work, that might advance your career. Adopt a pet. Get back in touch with friends or family that you haven't talked to for a while. Watch some funny movies. And cut back on the drinking, especially if you are an angry drunk.

[SelflessnHumble]

Girlfriend of 5 years just left me and now I feel like I am drowning. We've been doing this for years. I wouldn't say her reason for leaving is mainly my fault, but I've made quite the contribution. We have our doubts in one another, especially when we drink. We spent alot of our time arguing and blaming one another for our own insecurities. I woke up and she was gone and now I feel like life isn't worth living. Everything is moving in slow motion and I just feel so damn alone. However, our love is strong and we always end up getting back together. But for some reason, I don't see that happening. I am somewhat abusive. No, I don't feel great about it, nor was I raised that way. But, I just can't stop myself from doing it. I've recently joined a domestic violence support group. Why? Because I do want to change. Tears fill my eyes for the pain I've put her through, and I deserve every bit of it. I just need a way to cope through this breakup. Has anyone been here before. Our love is strong and I "figure" that it will once again bring us together. Until then, I will be lost. Please someone help. I literally feel like I need to hurt myself, but refrain from doing so because I still have a small glimmer of hope.

Michael, I'm deeply sorry about your entire situation, really I am.
Having been in both roles I can tell you things we perceive as uncontrollable are in fact controllable.

I'm not going to lecture you about alcohol usage and all that but just consider that what it does to both of you:
It Creates the foundation for a broken home. -It gets even worse when and if a child gets involved-not good.
Worse is that the negative vibe/energy gets compounded with both of you together...

Looking back at the countless times I've been dumped (and left) it always feels like you're isolated, alone
and free falling without a thing in sight to break your fall. The first thing to do (should you take my advice) is
to stop for just a moment and write down what it is you want...IF a relationship with your girl is #1 then right off the bat
we need to reassess your priorities in my opinion.

Priority #1 should be YOU, your health, sobriety and overall control of your emotions. This is called reaching out from the inside. It starts with your subconscious, then your thoughts in your mind and it ends with action/inaction. These
actions/inaction are the result of CHOICES that you decide on-you are willing and able to change them.

Please realize that words are meaningless for substance, but hurt like hell when they are cocked, loaded and shot
outward like mental projectiles at people's psyche, insecurities and feelings.

Write down what you want versus what you need.
Write down what she wants and needs.
Then write down what you do to either meet her wants/needs OR what you do that pushes her away from you.

While Physical abuse is pretty ****ed man, Personally I think it is great you want to get help but getting help means that

(1) You are doing it for yourself because *you* see it's a problem, not because *she* does.
(2) You shouldn't be in contact with her period until you've completed treatment.

Just for a moment take it easy and think to yourself why is it that your emotions are in disarray?
If she is all you rely on I think you should start to rely on yourself and build your independence mentally, physically
and verbally. If someone wants to be a part of Michael's life cool...If not? Cool just the same. Being dependent
on your partner is an unhealthy state of mind because it robs you of your personal self worth and potential (take it from me!)

A woman doesn't want to be yelled out, told she is wrong, insulted, demeaned and subsequently beat physically.
She wants to be appreciated, given attention, affection, complimented, given security, respect, compassion and love.

All you have to do is to become aware of what you do, and then put it in check.

I would like to think that you want to break this repetitive cycle of breaking up, making up, breaking up, making up, right?
Well if so this is what I did, and what I feel you could do as well to better yourself and this situation.

-Step 1 is to identify your issues.
-Step 2 is to take responsibility for them and be held accountable for them (this means possibly losing her due to your treatment of her)
-Step 3 is Accepting everything you've done and said and humbling yourself and apologize to her for everything regardless
of the consequences that come from doing so.
-Step 4 is treatment to resolve any issues you have...

Once you've addressed all of these steps/your issues, THEN this is when it is appropriate
to see her. What you don't do in my opinion is to keep her with you while you "change" because
many times it won't work. But hey, it's only a suggestion based on what you've stated here.

I would approach her and set up a meet at her place, or at a place she is secure and familiar with (public is best)
Then address steps 1-4 to her and show her you realize your treatment is horrendous and that you will take
the necessary steps to achieve your goals: to be in control of your emotions, to limit or seize from drinking period, and
that she deserves to be treated with love, respect, honor and dignity...

The fact she drinks as well seems to me like you two aren't a good match for each other.
But these are only suggestions man, nothing more. I've been there but taking care of YOU is more important than salvaging a broken relationship at present.

[michaelking]

Very insightful thread. I do depend on my girlfriend. Especially when it comes to my social anxiety. When she is here, I will cook, clean, and find all sorts of things to do. When she isn't here, I always find myself trapped. I won't cook anything other than a microwavable meal. Why? What's the use, it's only going to remind me of her. Just being in the kitchen alone, reminds me of her. I avoid it.

The abuse has been a problem for a while. I just recently decided to get some help for myself. I messed up by putting my hands on her, once again. After I promised to never do it again. I regret it and wish to death that I could take it back. Every day waking up is similar to feeling trapped within a dream. For the first time, I confessed to my mother of my physical abuse towards my ex. She was disappointed but still understood. Her advice was similar to yours, finding anger management classes to combat this.

What really worries me is that I don't know if she will come back. In the back of my mind, I think she will. But who's to say that she's had enough of it. She usually calls me a few days after she leaves in order to talk to me, but my phone number has recently been changed, so how's that going to happen? I guess if she loves me as much I do her, then she will find speak to me on facebook? Time will hopefully heal the two of us.

I love her more than life itself, and I would do almost anything for her. However, I just can't imagine this as the end. I believe that the love we share for each other is too strong.

[SelflessnHumble]

(1) I do depend on my girlfriend.
(2) I guess if she loves me as much I do her, then she will find speak to me on facebook? Time will hopefully heal the two of us.
(3) I love her more than life itself, and I would do almost anything for her. However, I just can't imagine this as the end. I believe that the love we share for each other is too strong.

(1) You shouldn't depend on people you hurt. They will leave eventually.
(2) Love has nothing to do with this. She could love you all she wants but self preservation and basic human instinct (life) supersedes an emotion.
(3) Just another opinion but you should never love someone more than life itself. Your disappointment will never subside and you will eventually obsess over her if you aren't already.

See, I could see her coming back IF this was the first time, but it sounds like you've been hurting her for a while.
Women eventually get fed up with the BS...The best thing to do is to better yourself FOR yourself and even let her know this, you know?

Something like, "Hey (insert name), My words cannot express how sorry I am for arguing with you, yelling and laying my hands on you like I did...
I don't expect you to understand what I'm feeling but I'd really like thank you for being there for me when I know I didn't deserve it..." Then tell her:

"I'm going to (insert facility name here) for treatment." (and some anger management classes would be great too) Then, give her your new number.
Tell her that you will respect her decisions whatever she chooses and that it's time you take responsibility for your actions whether alcohol was the catalyst or not.

Then you could state you would really appreciate it if she could call you just to check in and see how she's doing, to establish a new friendship which will
hopefully lead to the kind of relationship she deserves.

This tells her:
You are willing and ready to accept whatever consequences (even her meeting another guy) and that you cannot get jealous nor act belligerent towards her...
And it also says: You are truly sorry about what you did and that you are optimistic you will emerge a person with a new perspective.

It has to come from the heart. People can spot BS quickly.