my bf of 4 years lied to me

[Yana1389]

Hi there! I am new here, and I'd love to get an input from love experts. Can I please have your help? There is a man I love more than anything. We have been in a 4 years long relationship, and we have been through so many things together. We really had to fight for this love. We went through long distance 3 times so far (both of us had to move for work several times). We lived together in two countries so far. My fiance is an amazing guy, but he slept with too many girls for my taste. When we met, he told me he has been only with 2 girls, and I loved it since he was the first guy to me. However, it turned out he has been with over 15 of them, but he has been sleeping for longer than a year with only two of them. I found out about that a year into our relationship, and I deiced to accept it. It was always bothering me, but I love the guy too much and since past is past, I decided to deal with my conservative upbringing. I hoped I knew it all, and nothing could surprise me.

Three years into our lovely relationship, I find out that he keeps records of all his trophies (pics of his naked flings, making out photos etc.). By the way, he hides his computer from me, I am not allowed even to look at his screen while he is using it. On the other hand, he even has my password. I have nothing to hide. And I do not mind him using my computer, I really believe in sharing and honesty. We met in a cool country (foreign for both of us) where we lived at the time, and after a month he had to move to another continent. We passed through 6 months of long distance. That was the first time he hurt me. He has found a job for a girl he met at the same time as myself, and it resulted in her moving to the same country as him (he is an investor like myself, and that girl is a model). She was signed first time in her life by an agency ( owned by my bf's friend). He claimed they were friends, but later admitted of sleeping with her once in a past, but they become friends when we became exclusive. He said nothing happened between them after she moved there. I later found out he called her upon her arrival, and made her thank him over a dinner (promised to me not to see her). So, after 6 months, he moves back where I lived (in my apartment temporarily). He said it was too early to live together etc. So his female friend, Alice, had a spare room in her place and he moved in there. He lived with her for 2 months, until he abruptly moved out and moved back to my place.

After 3 months of life in my apartment, we moved to another country together. Admittedly, from that point he was well behaved mostly (I was always around). We recently got engaged. And planned to get married. He wants to move in back to his country of origin, Brasil, that is so far from my home (Europe). That is a big decision, and I need to be damn sure what am I doing. I am absolutely sure I love him, and I'd be crushed to loose him. I've never loves a man like I love him. But things from his past keep popping out. Whenever I ask him is that all, he says yes, and another girl pops out soon after. For instance he kept pics of his ex gfs on fb until 2 days ago when his friend explained to me they were not friends as my fiance explained. He keeps texting models, wanna be actresses and doing everything to help them with their careers. Whereas he has no interest in mine career. His fb page has 400 female friends, at least 300 of super hot and 50 guys. Many of them, he did not know as he lied to me. He was trying to get in touch with them by donating to their fund raisers etc. When I am in the country he behaves well, whenever I travel, he starts seeing them again. He has bunch of different excuses. He usually met with them "to see if they were single, so he can hook them up with his mates". Thing is I know he is not sleeping with them, but he loves flirting and creating back ups and future opportunities. I am not afraid of them, since I am easily model looking, and I have a normal great career on top (a real job), and I make good money too. I want to understand his need to have all hot girls around him. I do not know why, but it bothers me.

In 6 months, I suppose to leave my continent and move with him to Brasil. And I'd love to, I would not like to lose him. Because when he behaves well, he is the best guy on Earth. Thing is, we need to do another round of long distance (6 months). And from our experience, he is not behaving well when I am far away. Also now, after 3 years, I find out Alice was not a friend, she is a girl he used to have a sex with no strings attached until he met me. Unknowingly, I was giving my best to be friends with her, and until now I did not realize why was she as bitchy to me. I pray nothing happened between them while we were together. But I doubt it. I remember that one night when I was staying at his and her place, he went to her room (she was away), and knew exactly where her condoms were, and borrowed one. So, I also realized that I am getting married to a guy that choose to live in a place of his fling instead of mine. The number of his amazing friends that he was ditching me for keeps increasing. And in 90% it turned out that they firstly used to be sex mates, and only friends afterwards. I am having serious trust issues. He was the first guy I slept with (and the only one). I fail to feel a special girl. He is the one insisting to marry me. I am 26, and I am not in a hurry. He popped the question out of blue while we were in Seville, visiting my parents. I actually wanted to wait for the moment when we get to the clean slate, and he tells me everything, so I do not get new surprises after the wedding. I am sure that I love him, but I am not sure I can trust him. Would you move to Brasil? The Alice was just the final drop for me. And I hate that I had to find out about her from my friends. I love him. I want to be with him. But I hate his lies. I put 10 times more effort in this relationship. He fights, he is cruel for days after I discover something from his past, but than out of blue he insists on the wedding. He asked me marry him in front of my father. I want to understand him. I always thought I'd marry someone that loves me to the bones, for whom I am special. But all those girls in his life... I fail to feel as a special girl. I want to improve our relationship? How can I make him honest, and more importantly what can I do to make myself feel like this guy is only mine. I wish

Thanks!

[HeartIsAching]

This has gotta be a troll.

[Yana1389]

It would be great that you provide me your input. I am dead serious. Am I being overly jealous? Thanks!

[HeartIsAching]

No. You live with a controlling twit that cheats on you. It's time to move on.

[Yana1389]

So you think he is cheating ? I believed him all those think happened in the past, and that he changed. I also believed that he only met up with those girls while I was away for a dinner, and that he didn't technically cheat on me. Any idea why would he want me to move to Brasil? It came out of blue. I do not speak Portuguese, and I am scared my career will suffer. What if I realize it was all wrong, and destroy my career at the same time. But feels horrible to lose someone after 4 years.
Thing is, I am not sure he loves me (dispite of the proposal). At times, I feel as a throphy to him and his family. But not as someone that he loves, more as a girl that ticks all boxes.

[HeartIsAching]

No, I don't 'think' so. I'm sure of it.

[Yana1389]

Wow, all this time I thought I have a problem of accepting reality. I started believing that I am not open enough. I realize I have serious trust issues. Do guys normally bring girls from their past in their life as awesome friends, and at times put them before their gf/fiance? I am coming from a bit closed community, so for me it was not normal. I thought I am a bit odd. Thanks for your advice. It is very helpful

[HeartIsAching]

No. My wife knows my past. I know hers... but that's the extent of it.

[Boisdevie]

Dump the jerk. Or are you really so desperate that you're prepared to put up with all this crap?

[TablesandChairs]

He wants to be with you because you're conservative, you're decent and he knows you won't cheat on him. He also thinks you're innocent and naive and therefore he will find it easy to have people on the side. He's manipulative and you're a bit silly - you can't even get close to his computer? Why do you think that is? Alarm bells.

[michelle23]

OP I think you are very very naive. There are so many red flags here, so many lies and he is so secretive. He has definitely without a doubt cheated on you and will do it again. Id say you are in denial and do not want to face up to reality but its time to do that now and end this destructive relationship.

The first thing you need to do is dump him and cut all contact with him. You will get over it in time. The second thing you need to do is get yourself into a clinic and get checked for stds/stis/viruses etc. He has been around the globe by the sounds of it and you could catch anything off him.

He is either a narcissist or a sex addict (or both) and you need to run a mile from him. I bet you don't even know the real him. Noone does as he lives a double life and is a master of disguise like all narcissists.

Wakeup here and open your eyes. It is obvious to us that he is cheating on you. You need to admit it now and get rid of him. You can do better