Lied to Husband Years Ago; Hurting Us Now

[LoveAlways12]

Hello, I need some advice and to get this off of my chest.

Years ago when I was dating my husband in college, I told him many many things about my background that were not true. I grew up in a family that did not allow for a social life until I left for college. I didn't leave for college until my 4th year of school. When I met my husband at work at school I really liked him, he was very social and had a lot of friends. We didn't get together for almost a year and a half after we met. When we first got together I told him a bunch of things that were not true about myself, including things about past relationships and hook ups because I didn't have a past for the most part and couldn't relate in general to everyone else who did. My friends at the time (we were in our early 20s) were very worldly and had many experiences and I felt like I did not fit because of my lack of experiences so I made some things up to both my boyfriend (who became my hubby) and my friends. I also held back emotionally and did not really open up about my life or my family for a long time after we were together. I was very insecure and immature at the time and had a lot of angst about the way I was brought up.

Before we were married he was able to piece together on his own that most of what I told him was not true. The fact that I was not honest and that I held so many things back bothered my husband very much at the time but he was able to overcome them because he is a really good guy and because he truly loved me. However, I did have a boyfriend prior to him that lasted about 5 months or so. This relationship was the only one I've had before my husband. I had very, very strong feelings for this previous boyfriend but things didn't work out (obviously) because I believe that I held back much of my life and emotions from this guy in similar fashion and he dumped me. This relationship was both emotional and physical, he was my first love. Regrettably when I came clean to my husband about many of the lies and fabrications that I had made up years ago I was still not completely honest about this relationship and downplayed it to him at the time. Not because I necessarily wanted to hide it from him, but because I had caused him so much pain that I didn't want to hurt him any more. So my husband has thought for all of these years that he was my first love. He is my one true love but I did have strong feelings for this other guy. I don't have feelings for him now nor would I as I adore my husband.

Recently while discussion the past I made a subtle remark regarding our relationship that was slightly off base and my husband, who is extremely analytical, realized the slip up and we got into a discussion about the past. I then told my husband the truth about this past boyfriend and how there was a high level of emotional intimacy that had included some physical intimacy. My husband is very hurt by this both because I think I have shattered his image of our relationship and because of the lie that I told years ago that has lingered for all of these years. He says that this brings back haunting memories of having to deal with this stuff when we were dating and that he feels betrayed. I honestly don't blame him. I feel terrible for having lied yet again (even though a long time ago) and having this rear its ugly head so many years later when for the most part we have a very good marriage.

I want to stress that my husband was never the type to ask me questions about my past or be insecure, he was upset when we were younger because of the things that I made up.

Any advice on how to help my husband get over this or for us to deal with this? I know this is hurting my husband very badly, I can see it in his face and I hear it in his voice. I feel as though there is a distance between us. I am completely honest with him now as I believe he is with me, this is not the issue today. However I'm very worried that this has driven a wedge between us that will permanently damage our marriage and the worst part about it all is that it is my own fault. Any thoughts or advice are greatly appreciated.

[cool hwhip]

It seems as the entire fight was about your past (long long ago now). Yes, you used to be an immature scared liar back then, making stuff up to feel more comfortable or gain certain advantages. But you grew out of it! You should be happy you did not become a compulsive liar as an adult.
From what I can see you did not cheat on your husband or did anything else to hurt him in the present. I think he will realize that, and if there is no similar issues now, this whole fight will be in the past as well.

[basilandthyme]

Your husband is overreacting.

My best advice is to not pander to his reaction. You can't change your past, but you have changed your present and grown up significantly. I suggest you ignore his reaction but keep being kind and pleasant in all other areas of your life with him. If he brings up blame, ask him if he'd like you to go back in time and change the past.

Also, apologise for the previous lie (if you haven't already done so). Then stop apologising. One apology is sufficient.

In short, don't let him walk over you with this.

[Woods]

This seems like the other side to a story we had on a thread not so long back.... I wonder if it's not the same guy pretending, to be honest. My apologies to you if it's not him and you are actually his wife.

[LoveAlways12]

This seems like the other side to a story we had on a thread not so long back.... I wonder if it's not the same guy pretending, to be honest. My apologies to you if it's not him and you are actually his wife.

This is a true story that happened recently, I'm not making anything up or pretending and I'm not a guy. I think there is zero chance that my husband would post on this site or any similar sites as I just can't see him doing something like that, a girlfriend of mine told me about me this site. I was hoping to get some advice without having to discuss it with anyone in my circle of friends or family because I really want to keep this situation private, I'm embarrassed enough.

[bearz]

No reason to be embarrassed now. You did something which made sense to you when you were younger, something I'm sure many of us have done at some point just to "fit in" and "be cool". The important thing is that you finally came clean and told your husband the truth. Now it's up to him to decide whether he loves the person he originally fell in love with years ago, or the person that you are today. Just be yourself, don't try to act differently around him now, and hopefully he'll come around and still appreciate you.

[michelle23]

You need to talk this out so he understands properly and resolve the issue asap. Dont allow it to fester in his mind. If he cant get past it-get marriage counselling. You need to trust each other fully.