Best friend or boyfriend?

[michelle23]

If you are really confused and cannot decide. Take a break, move out and cut contact with both of them until you have your mind made up. I think if you dump your bf for someone else you will regret it. So break up with him to be alone for awhile and see if there is any way back if you start to regret it.

I think you should stay away from your friend completely. Hes not a good friend to do this to you when he knows you are in a happy long term relationship.

I also think you were probably very content and happy until he pushed himself in between you.

[skybeam29]

Thank you.

I have spoken to my boyfriend and we are talking more which is helping our relationship. You are right, that I was very content and happy until my best friend told me these things. But, I have other male friends - if they told me the same thing I know I would not be interested at all. So, the fact that I am kind of interested worries me - does that mean my relationship with my current boyfriend is not the right one? When I think logically, there is nothing I would change about my boyfriend, but when I think about my best friend there is just this nagging feeling that maybe we are meant to be - I have questioned that before but not seriously, when we used to hang out all the time because we lived near and when people always used to comment on how perfect we'd be together! Do you think I should listen to other people's opinions on that?

[TablesandChairs]

Break up with your boyfriend. Give it a go with this other guy. Satiate your curiosity. You have to be able to handle the risk of losing your current boyfriend forever, though.

Are you an adult? If so, why are you taking what other people say flippantly so seriously? People used to comment that my best friend and I were 'made' for each other and that we should 'get married already' etc. He was gay. Goes to show how stupid outsiders can be.

[michelle23]

Its called an emotional affair OP. Your thinking the grass is greener. Its quite common and most people regret it. There is no such thing as "meant to be". You are compatible with your bf-he makes you happy. You could be compatible with a million other people too but it doesn't mean you should trade him in. You have been together a long time. You should look up the 9 stages of a relationship. You could be in stage 6 or 7 by now with your partner and if you end it with him-your just going to start all over again in stage 1 and the chances of it working out are slim.

You need to hurry up and make a decision. Your bf could just walk out the door any time if you leave him hanging. You are causing him a LOT of pain right now. I bet hes trying to stay strong but is actually falling apart so make up your mind now and once it is made up-there is no going back.

Friend or boyfriend? And no matter which one you choose-you lose the other for good. You cannot stay friends with either of them once the decision is made

[michelle23]

friends and family say those things all the time to people. They dont really have a clue whether two people would be good together or not. I went out with a male best friend once. We got on like a house on fire as friends but as a couple...... nightmare! Never again!

[skybeam29]

Thank you - this is helping, as I am fully aware that I could be potentially throwing away something good for something that may not work out at all! It's just frustrating and I don't deal with what ifs very well. I do feel I should concentrate on my relationship, and if we do not work it should be because we are not happy not because of a 'what if.'

Thanks again

[michelle23]

Yes I agree. I think you should only break up because your sure its not working-not because you may have a plan B. If I were you I would get rid of the friend-tell him you cannot be friends anymore and then put all your effort into your happy relationship.

He sounds like a keeper and he obviously makes you very happy. If you did go out with the friend it would probably be a rebound. Youd compare everything about him to your bf and end up resenting him.

Anyone who has ever had a rebound will tell you it doesnt work. When I was 17 my bf at the time cheated on me and I was feeling like crap and someone else came along-gave me loads of attention and boosted my confidence a little but because I was still hurting I was emotionally unavailable and therefore it could never ever work. Because of that rebound I understand now that if me and my current bf broke up-Id be better off to try and get over him completely before meeting someone else.

Its never a good idea to hop from one relationship to the next. you need time in between to grieve the loss and heal emotionally. Theres probably a 1% chance of it working out and the fact you never even thought about him in that way until now says that you and he are just friends.

but you really do have to respect your current bf-if you choose him you have to cut contact with your friend. Hes toxic to your relationship

[skybeam29]

Thanks for this.

Yes, my boyfriend is being extremely understanding about the whole thing. I think he wants to make sure that if I have issues now, we sort them now so that they don't rear their heads later. And if we can't sort them, better to break up now then when we may have kids etc.

Regarding my friend, that's the difficult thing - he certainly is not the type to try and steal someone else's girlfriend, hence why I think he didn't say anything to me for 10 years! He was very good friends with my ex, and had become friends with my current boyfriend. He is a decent guy, and I can understand why he told me - I think if it were me I would have said something sooner but for various reasons he didn't. I hate the thought of not having him in my life, he's been such a big part of it. Do you think that once we've both had space and time and he can move on, we can resume friendships?

[michelle23]

I dont think its a good idea. He has crossed the line of friendship. First he said he wants to bang you-next he said hes in love with you and has been for 10 years. Its all or nothing. You cant be friends with him as long as you have a bf. Its not a good idea to be best mates with any other man unless he IS your boyfriend. You would not be in this situation now if you were not this close to him and you and your bf would still be happy and probably planning a wedding

[skybeam29]

Honestly, my mind is like a yo-yo at the moment! I want to concentrate on my current relationship, but I have this nagging feeling that there's something there with my friend and I can't shake it! I guess time will help that as we have agreed not to contact each other - he needs time and so do I.

The thing is, he is a friend from uni, and there's a group of us that get together quite a lot, so I am guessing even if we don't see each other how we used to, we will in those situations. What happens if we do see each other again as friends, and these feelings come flooding back? Would that be a sign my relationship now isn't right?

[michelle23]

It has no reflection on your relationship. It doesn't mean your not meant to be. Your infatuated by your friend and the closer you get to him-the more you will push your partner away. You should do your research and look up emotional affairs. Also talk to a relationship counselor.

It sounds as if you are now looking for an excuse to end your current relationship. I think you will regret it if you do but only you can decide. The only way to really shake that nagging feeling is to go and experience reality with your friend. Right now your partner is your reality and your friend is a fantasy. In order to realize that you prefer your reality more than the fantasy-you need to live it.

But if you do that-you will inevitably lose both of them and end up alone 6-12monts down the line. Your partner wont be able to forgive you coz youll break his heart and you and your friend will probably just have a rebound relationship and one or both of you will get hurt.

The only way to be sure that you keep one of them is to end your relationship and wait at least 6 months before getting back with A or starting a relationship with B.

[michelle23]

But bear in mind a lot could happen in 6 months. Your bf could get with someone else, he could fall in love, she could get pregnant or he may decide that he cannot forgive you for all your doubts and not want you back

[skybeam29]

This is what I am most scared of - if I do ask for some space, I might lose my boyfriend and I may realise that actually, he is who I want. I just wish the nagging stuff would go away without having to experience a relationship with my friend. Maybe it will, with time? I know that if any of my other boy-mates said all of this stuff to me, I'd have instantly told them I wasn't interested. Which is also slightly worrying for my relationship now - having said that, this guy is a great friend and so inevitably maybe I would wonder what it could be like...

[michelle23]

You dont know how you would react if anyone else had said the same thing to you. It could have the same affect.

Only you can decide but if you do let your current bf go-remember you cant go running back if it doesnt work out with your friend. It wouldnt be fair on him.

How would you feel if this situation was reversed. If your bf told you that hes wondering should he be with one of his (girl) friends and not you?

[TablesandChairs]

Do you think you might not be ready for a committed relationship at this point in time?

If you were absolutely 100% sure about your boyfriend, you would not contemplate anything with your 'friend' - at most, you'd just be a bit flattered. Think about it: what is missing in your current relationship that makes you even contemplate the other guy?

I was in a long term relationship with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. It didn't work out that way but during that time, I never once contemplated anyone else; sure, guys flirted with me, friends from Uni or work tested my boundaries but there was never a chance.

You need more self-insight - is this about the friend, or is this about the fact that you're not truly happy in your relationship? If you are truly happy (and be honest with yourself), then you would be a fool to ruin things. In life, there will always be other people of the opposite gender who you 'click' with or have a connection with. Are you going to lose your head every time that happens and put your partner in a really unfavorable position every time?