6 years.. Now tears

[Makeme]

Hi I'm new and needing support..advice.. Whatever I can get .. I'm going to try and make this as short as I can.. Here goes... I've been with my bf for 6 years.. I'm not going to bore you all with details from year to year.. But I really thought we were going in the right direction ... Let me back peddle a min... When we first got together maybe a good 6 months in I told him I did not want to just date.. We both are divorced ... So I wanted to put it out there... I knew what I wanted.. Fast forward... 6 years later he says one day... I can't make u happy... And I had no idea what he was talking about... So I questioned further and he says I know u want marriage.. But I'm unsure... I thought I was getting there but I'm not.. So I cried.. Said my say and accepted.. But then he keeps texting and emailing.. Like nothing happened? Wtf! So I told him u need to choose... And he says we already talked bout this.? Wtf!,, what do u all think?

[basilandthyme]

I think that instead of telling that he needs to choose, YOU need to choose. Do you want a guy who will marry your or not? He's told you that doesn't want marriage, so now the ball is in your court. Make a decision. And if you decide to end things, ask him to stop contacting you.

[Makeme]

Thank u Basil .. I did that early this morning ... And now I just feel completely destroyed .. I really appreciate your opinion/advice.

[michelle23]

do you believe he is 100% committed to you? ask yourself do you really need a ring or can you be happy and content without one?

your both divorced and marriage did not save either of your previous relationships so ask yourself do you really want to do it all again?

a lot of people only get married for legal or financial reasons but there are other ways to bind you legally so your both protected if thats what your worried about.

i dont think this is something you should break up over if you both love each other, both committed and happy. perhaps hes just afraid of another divorce?

only you can decide is it worth losing him completely over this?

[Ann S]

Oh, you have my empathy. This is so difficult! But I think you have a guy who is commitment phobic, or is having a fling on the side. And HE is NOT the one who needs to choose....YOU are. Do YOU want a guy that needs pushing (at the very least) to marry you? But the other thing I'l like to share with you is that YOU let this go on 6 years without marriage....in some ways, you allowed, "non marriage," into what I like to call the, "OK Corral." That is a place where behaviors go that appear acceptable because WE have not set a boundary about them. What goes unchallenged and not corrected, goes into the, "OK Corral." I support you in NOT texting him or emailing him. I hope you move on! Take Care, Ann

[Makeme]

Michelle-/Ann-I really thought he was 100% committed to me.. I " thought" we were headed in the right direction... I did not force marriage when I first talked about it to him we where in our early stages... I wanted to lay out the path.. So he was sure I was in it for the long run.. I guess when he brought it up upon us making 6 years.. I was comfortable in our relationship... Apparently he had the naggin in the back of his mind that at some point I'd want more... If that makes any sense at all.. Which until he made it real for me that there is no more ... I really felt crushed ... Perhaps even cheated like the relationship wasn't at all important to him as it was to me... We talked earlier on after our initial break, and I told him exactly how I felt... Marriage was not as important as the validation of our relationship ie.. I love him. If he loves me as he says he does then let's quit playing games and just get on... He then said at that time ... I love u ..but I must be lacking something inside to not be able to fully commit to u,! This... I did not see coming at all....

[Ann S]

This sucks! And I hope you move on, honestly I do. Find someone who LOVES you enough to commit to you! Ann

[Makeme]

I know... I have to go to work I cried soo much and yelled and screamed to let out my feelings... Not to him but to myself to let this go.. And I pretty much lost my voice .. Note.. We don't live together but we live right next to each other... So I really don't even want to be home anymore it just hurts and sux badly.. Thanks for letting me get that out sigh*

[michelle23]

some men never get over there first divorce. they become emotionally unavailable and refuse to let you get too close. this actually is starting to remind me of my bfs mums partner and the only word im thinking is RUN.

6years-your not living together, not engaged or married. get over him, get on with your life and leave. thats the advice i give my bfs mum but she doesnt take it unfortunately.

her partner basically uses her so he can watch her sports channels, eat her food and prob for sex. he lets her pay for everything and only contacts her when it suits him. she might see him for a few days this week and then not again for two weeks. hes a ****ineech and i wish shed grow a backbone and dump his ass.

if any of this sounds familiar-i suggest you stop wasting your time on the loser

[Makeme]

Michelle- no it was never like that... Although we don't live together he moved to my apt complex to be closer to me since we always spent each nite together... It was the closest to "moving in" he actually waited until the person above me moved out to rent that space.. Basically he lives right above me.. I always took it as we were headed in the right direction... One step closer to "moving in together" non of us lost independence this way as discussed in the beginning ... I however failed to realize that maybe men remember the ultimatums placed upon them ( I c now he took it as that) from the beginning .. I accept that fault I was soo determined to go about things the right way ( right way in my mind 6 years ago) ... We talked about marriage in between and I've never doubted we wouldn't have reached there in time... Hence... I never brought it up again as I said I was comfortable at how things were going... That I felt inevitably we were headed there... Also we work together soo I know he isn't cheating or anything like that... That is y I was soo blind-sided... Like where the f***k did this come from ? ... Maybe ur right about him being emotionally unavailable because of first marriage... But seriously ... What does it really have to do with here and now? Why should he punish me/us for his/her then mistakes? Omg ? We aren't in our 20's late 30's -40 tops .. So I'm struggling here.. I hope that makes sense... I appreciate all the advice... Suggestions..

[michelle23]

only you can decide now what you want to happen next. If you cant accept this and it really upsets you-I suggest you end it. It may even make him realize that he doesnt ever want to lose you and he may man up and pop the question after all and then you can decide if hes worth it or not

[AnaisNin]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've never been married, so I can't imagine the hurt of having been through a divorce and how that must affect future relationships.

That being said, the hardest lesson I've had to learn is to listen to what people are saying, not try to read between the lines. If he is saying he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to get married.

It's not a matter of punishing you, it's a matter of him doing what's best for him.

What's best for you? If you want marriage, then maybe this isn't the man for you. It hurts, but do you want to spend another six years with him, and have him still not want to marry?

And is marriage truly what you want? It might be, but figure out what YOU need. Compromise is important in a relationship, but to get married or not is a little harder to compromise on...

Anyway, hope this helps.

I truly hope you find what you're looking for.

[Makeme]

It's not a matter of punishing you, it's a matter of him doing what's best for him.

What's best for you? If you want marriage, then maybe this isn't the man for you. It hurts, but do you want to spend another six years with him, and have him still not want to marry?

This Ana is what I've been questioning myself about... Still going over it in my mind... Your first sentence above .. Made me deeply sad.. ( that is really my answer.. I got upset and hurt..that maybe all along its not what's best for him)

Ladies.. I really appreciate your responses.. I feel soo alone..thank u

[cookies&cream]

love in wrong timing.

[Makeme]

Perhaps cookies perhaps