Confused and in tears

[blue102]

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[VincenzoG91]

You're contemplating putting your whole nice life at risk for a kiss that might lead to more. Your career, your nice husband, your happy home with your kids. From what you have described, it can't possibly be worth losing all that for the fleeting and temporary thrill of a new relationship. Sure, butterflies in the stomach are exciting, but a mature adult doesn't need excitement like that to enjoy a fulfilling life as a parent and spouse. Even if you did have a great fling with your co-worker, do you really think that the reality could possibly live up to your fantasy? You don't even know this guy that well. He might be have some really bad habits, or worse, an STD that might reveal you as a cheater when you catch it. He might just be interested in getting laid, and doesn't give a damn about your children.

But you know all this. You're posting here because you're struggling with this temptation even though you know that it's wrong. You're hoping we can talk you out of a big mistake. So give yourself some credit for that.

Before you do anything reckless, especially getting the hotel room, think long and hard about your marriage, your career and your kids. Think about what you risk losing and what little you might gain. And think hard about divorce. If you're really so unhappy with your marriage that you face this temptation, it's better to get a divorce and be honest with everybody than to sneak around cheating and lying. Just review all of this. What are your values? What do you stand for? What kind of example do you want to set for your kids? What kind of person are you? Figure out who you are and then be that person.

[Gigabitch]

Your eye is wandering. It's pretty normal, actually. Now comes the difficult part. Do you have the strength of character to keep your hands from wandering as well?

One kiss easily leads to a full-blown affair. Don't kid yourself. If the chemistry is as strong with him as you say it is, kissing him will make you nuts. Don't do this to yourself.

And no, the kids aren't making you insane. In my opinion, you were insane before they came along, back when you got married with very little experience with the wide variety of men out there. I think people should sow some oats before getting married. You didn't do enough of that, and now you've got this big old bag of oats and they're weighing on you.

Whatever your dissatisfactions are with your husband, they will not be solved by messing around with this guy. I think if you cheat on a guy who treats you this well, your marriage will collapse and you'll deserve it, too.

[Teddy057]

It sounds like you jumped in to this relationship way too quick, kids came way too quick, and now that you're settled down and in a comfortable environment, you are wondering what could have been. Jumped in to this relationship a week after your 4 yr relationship ended? Dare I say, what the fu** were you thinking?

It almost sounds like you want to be a college kid again and fu** this guys brains out just to be sexually satisfied. Well, guess what.. You have kids and are married, YOU have responsibilities and people who rely on you. What are you going to tell your kids when you and your husband are no longer together? Sorry kids, I just wanted a new guy inside me, your daddy doesn't turn me on anymore.

In my opinion, you are one selfish woman if you put sex before your KIDS, husband, and current responsibilities. Then again, failed marriages and broken families are a dime a dozen , go ahead and be another statistic.

[rbm33]

hmmm, how about a different perspective?

have you talked to your husband about the lack of sexual excitemnet between the two of you?
let him know that you want some excitement with him. you never know their may be this sexual dynamo buried inside of him that he is afraid to explore.
do something different together. take a trip to vegas, let loose together, explore some new sexual experiences together.
just think, if you can find that sexual erotic side of your husband you will have the best of both worlds!
you owe it to yourself, him and the kids to give it a try!

[RdHrshyKss]

wow i don't even know if there is anything else i could say here, these ^^ guys have pretty much said it all.

if you love your husband and you are happy in every other realm of your relationship, then i would sit your husband down and explain to him how you are feeling. that you aren't being satisfied to the extent you need to be and if this relationship is going to continue, he is going to need to work on it with you.

DO NOT do anything with this other guy. like they said, a kiss will definitely lead to something more and it will get to a point that you won't even be able to salvage ANYTHING. your KIDS should be the first thing you think of. everything else should come second. you rushed into this, and now you have to deal with the consequences. to be selfish in these moments will only be deflecting your consequences onto your children and they didn't ask for this, neither do they deserve to deal with the pain of your mistakes.

talk to your husband. get that communication going that you obviously don't have. go to therapy, get someone to help you before it's too late. it is all up to you, you can make this happen. make the right choice...

[blue102]

Thanks for the replies. Hubby knows I have a crush on the guy, and that the guy has been making advances. He doesn't seem threatened, just says "you won't act on it!" I have even told hubby again and again that something is missing in our marriage, and I have been considering an affair. He just says "we are in the trenches right now, with the kids, and things will get better when they are older." Then he asks me "did you forget to take your Zoloft?" He just does not take me seriously. And I'm confused, maybe I am just taking out my frustrations on him. I appreciate his logical viewpoint but I want to bang my head against the wall when talking to him sometimes. I think I may sign up for couples counseling.

[lahnnabell]

Are you actually taking Zoloft or any other meds like it? It is rather selfish and stupid of him to cast your concerns aside so carelessly. I think counseling is a great idea. Hopefully this will help him take you seriously.

[Gigabitch]

Look, I have some experience being in an unsatisfactory marriage and having a mad crush on another guy. I had a crush that went on for four years. My marriage finally came to an end and you know what? As soon as I was free and available, my crush on the other guy evaporated completely. It wasn't even about him so much as it was a projection of my unfulfilled needs.

Sign up for that counseling. I suspect you're feeling like your very humanity is being subverted under all this wife-and-mommy stuff and you're struggling to make room for yourself. You don't have to cheat on your husband to do this.

In my view, any man who would go after a married woman is a real dirtbag anyway. Learn to see this about Work Guy.

[RdHrshyKss]

therapy will really help, i promise, now go!

[Chris819]

Don't do anything you will regret.

If you are having doubts about your marriage and the fact that you don't love him anymore then you need to address these issues before embarking on any other relationship. I myself was married for 17 years, I am in the army and married young and was foolish. However I had children and dearly wanted to be with them and bring them up. This would of been difficult if I had left and carried on with my career. For this reason I stayed with my wife in a loveless marriage for 17 years until the kids were grown up and then parted ways. I am not saying you should do this, what I am saying is that you have to make a decision and you will have to live by it whatever you decide.

Until you decide what way you want your life to go in, don't start another relationship, be friends but not lovers, this will only cause you heartache if you leave your husband for someone else who might be playing you!

Take care and good luck in which ever path you choose.

[cflython]

If you are this tempted by the new guy, you have to be extremely careful. In situations like this it is so easy to give in to the temptation by rationalizing* your actions away, basically lying to yourself to get what you want by creating nonexistent justifications for the action you want to perform. I can see that you are already starting to do this by telling yourself that you want just "one kiss." Once you give in to that, it becomes even easier to give in to the next thing, and in all likelihood you will not be able to stop yourself.

In my opinion, if you keep hanging around this new guy, you will most likely give in eventually. It is hard to stay away from someone you are attracted to on such a primal level, but I think this guy does not respect you. Think about it, he is going after a married woman without regard to her marriage, her children, her husband, and even herself. What kind of man does that?

It may help to remind yourself that he is acting like a dirtbag whenever you find yourself thinking about him. I know things with your husband aren't the way you'd like them to be, but I can tell you really don't want to do this. You may want it physically but emotionally it sounds like it will be very harmful to you, not to mention the other parties involved. Work with your husband to try to resolve your difficulties with your marriage, and if he continues to ignore or downplay your unhappiness, discuss the possibility of separation or divorce. He may not realize how serious your concerns are until then.

If you are truly this unhappy in your marriage, your children will suffer more than if you split up with your husband. An unhappy mother is not a mother that can give a child the environment it needs to develop into a happy and healthy young adult. Staying together for the children is not always the best option, in my opinion.

Lastly, you are not a terrible person for having these thoughts or feeling this way, you are human. It may be that you went into this marriage too soon, or your husband wasn't the right guy for you, but it is too late to change the past now, all you can do is deal with the situation at hand. You are obviously extremely conflicted by your feelings at the moment, this is something called Cognitive Dissonance, and it is totally normal and human. The problem is, you cannot reconcile your desire for the new guy and your desire to be faithful and provide a stable environment for your children. Giving in to the new guy will not solve this, it will only make it worse.

I think the best course of action for you is probably marriage counseling, as well as talk therapy for yourself. If you actually are taking Zoloft, I hope you already have a therapist. An anti-depressant shouldn't have to be a lifelong thing. In case you don't, I'd suggest looking for someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy** (CBT), as it is just as effective as Zoloft for depression (even better when you have both), and VERY good at helping with situations like you just described. There is no shame in seeing a therapist or a counsellor, you'd be surprised at how many people see one.

Keep in mind that all of this is just my opinion, so take it as such. I hope things turn out well for you.

*According to the DSM-IV, rationalization occurs "when the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by concealing the true motivations for his or her own thoughts, actions, or feelings through the elaboration of reassuring or self serving but incorrect explanations."

**Cognitive behavioral therapy (or cognitive behavioral therapies or CBT) is a psychotherapeutic approach that aims to solve problems concerning dysfunctional emotions, behaviors and cognitions through a goal-oriented, systematic procedure.

[blue102]

cflython-- Wow thanks, that was very interesting and helpful.... I don't have a therapist right now, but I should probably get one, I've had clinical depression since I was 14. I'll look into that CBT thing. Thanks everybody

[Kaius]

This is the beginning of the end. I know 4 couples (including myself) in exact same situation, and we all ended in divorce within 2 years. I am a man, and I did not cheat on the woman I had a crush on. But I realized that the marriage was bad, and there really is no way of saving it once you have those thoughts in your head.
They can disappear for a while, but will always come back. Perfect or not, once you lose interest in your spouse, it's basically done. I suggest you start planning a divorce and think about how the kids will be taken care of. Start separating out your assets and belongings. Statistically, no couple has really survived
stuff like this. It's a deeper problem than people anticipate.

[Gigabitch]

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