Ladies, am I being too critical of his female friendships?

[michelle23]

Its not insecure or controlling. I have a few male friends who i see every now and again on a night out in a large group. My bf comes with me and is friends with them too. He also has a female friend who he grew up with but they are not best mates. We all go out on a night out together sometimes.

The difference is i dont ring or text them, i dont spend one on one alone time with them, i dont tell them my problems or lean on them for emotional support or go shopping with them and neither does he.

[lalalita]

Its not insecure or controlling.

Thank you :]

[lalalita]

I'm not amazed at all because I know the sorts of insecure, controlling, and self-centered women that frequent relationship forums, and the white knights who support them.

I'm not being controlling, because I have never once even suggested that I would ever want him to stop whatever friendship he has with her, or anyone else. I'm just not sure if it's something I want to be involved with.

[searock]

Yes, it is. No one has to drop a best friend - member of the opposite sex or not - because a romantic relationship comes into play.

It's amazing this is even being discussed.

Again: nobody said that you should drop a best friend when you start a relationship with someone. Just that it's natural that once your relationship is strong and long-term, your best friend is your partner. It's not about cutting off friendships (although you are going to have to respect basic relationship boundaries, of course, which includes no date-like activities or constant communication with any member of the opposite sex that is not your partner), it's just what spontaneously happens (and should happen) in a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.

[lalalita]

Again: nobody said that you should drop a best friend when you start a relationship with someone. Just that it's natural that once your relationship is strong and long-term, your best friend is your partner. It's not about cutting off friendships (although you are going to have to respect basic relationship boundaries, of course, which includes no date-like activities or constant communication with any member of the opposite sex that is not your partner), it's just what spontaneously happens (and should happen) in a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.

Do you think there is a way to bring this up? I would tell him that exactly. Most of our communication is through text since we haven't been able to spend much time together, and I don't want to put a damper on the up beat usual conversations by being dramatic and saying WE HAVE TO TALK AGAIN. I don't want to drive him away with constant serious discussions.

[smackie9]

To me this is just a losing situation. he ain't gonna give up his female buddies and his doings with them for you. Sure you can point this stuff out to him, but it doesn't mean he is going to do it. I think he is just going to tell you to accept him for the way he is...take it or leave it. If he hasn't reset his boundaries with his friends for you by now, it's because he doesn't feel he should. It's going to be a loss I can see it. He might bend a tiny bit but not to where you want it to be. I still say you both have different expectations on how a relationship should be...it's your opinion against his.....

[fearoflove]

I am female and I have more guyfriends than female friends. I have one or two guyfriends who I tell everything to but I would never consider those friendships superior to a guy I am dating (who I really really like). Maybe superior to a guy who I would date casually but never intend to have a future with. I would get angry if a guy tells me to cut out all my guyfriends so I can keep him though because that would mean I would practically have no friends (as most of my friends are guys). But I would never be "best friends" with a guy other than my boyfriend.

[searock]

But I would never be "best friends" with a guy other than my boyfriend.

Which is exactly the point. No one is saying that you shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex per se. I have guy friends, my bf has female friends, we are both ok with it, it's perfectly normal. But we are each other's best friends, that's what's important.

Lalalita, I don't think you should be afraid of talking to him. This issue is clearly important for you, and this is a bit of a "make or break" point in your relationship, so it's fundamental that you lay your cards on the table and he does the same, before you decide whether to become more serious or to stop seeing him. Talking about it via text is not a good idea, so I think you should wait until you see each other, in your next date. It doesn't have to be a dramatic or sad discussion, it's just you explaining to him what you think good relationship boundaries are, and asking him what he thinks about it... it's stuff that the both of you need to know before you move forward.

[basilandthyme]

Do you think there is a way to bring this up? I would tell him that exactly. Most of our communication is through text since we haven't been able to spend much time together, and I don't want to put a damper on the up beat usual conversations by being dramatic and saying WE HAVE TO TALK AGAIN. I don't want to drive him away with constant serious discussions.

I'm not convinced that you should bring it up. He's made it clear that this is important to him and it's now up to you to decide whether or not you're compatible with him. If you can't be comfortable with it, then the breakup talk is the only one you need.

[michelle23]

OP i dont even think the issue is with his "sis" right now. That is a long term issue and a potential red flag for the future but may not affect your relationship with him for 5 years.

The real problem in this other "friend" who stayed in his apartment and you were not invited to meet her and he acted as if you dont exist for 2-3 days while she was around. That is a HUGE red flag and you should break up with him because of it.

I dont think hes trustworthy and he has too many females in his life.

It has only been a month and you already have all these questions, doubts, insecurities, anxiety. Your instincts are screaming something is not right here and you should listen to them. If I were you I would ditch him and find someone else who doesnt create all this negativity and worry in you.

Best of luck

[HDBadger]

Here's the bottom line for this thread: You don't get to tell someone who he can and can't be friends with. Nor do you get to qualify a man's friendships (saying he can have female friends, but not female *best* friends).

Read the following very closely: A man or woman can have a best friend of the opposite sex who isn't the person in question's significant other. If you refuse to believe this, you have much deeper issues no one on the forum can help you with.

For the OP: It's simple. You obviously have problems with the people he associates with, and you obviously have trust issues. So ditch him. He doesn't need you nagging him about who he texts or spends time with.

[smackie9]

I think what she is pointing out is that he isn't treating her as a GF should be treated....and like what has been posted by others, you change your boundaries with your friends out of respect for the relationship, not totally deleting said friends. That is all she really wants is to see him change the way he spends his time with them, and have him focus more on the relationship. I totally agree with this. When you start out in a new relationship, you want to feel like you actually mean something to that person or an importance to them and vice versa.

[Wakeup]

This situation hasn't anything to do with trust but rather respect and priorities. This guy op is on about will always have the same problem no matter who he tries to form a relationship with. No woman/or man if the situation were reversed, wants to share their partner. I suspect that is why he is upfront about not giving his female friend up, because it's likely that he has a hard time finding someone that will accept his attachment to his friend so, now he gets it out immediately before he gets too involved.

Op: Don't let any of the men here convince you that there is something wrong with you because there is not. You will hardly be this man's SIGNIFICANT other if he continues to basically date her doing one-on-one activities or hanging out without you there. Anyone who says anything different has likely never been in any type of long term relationship or they have an inordinate attachment to their own opposite sex friend and rather then change the dynamic with that opposite sex friend, they'd rather turn it around on you or anyone else to make you think you're insecure and non-trusting when it has nothing to do with either of those things.

Thank god I'm from the days when men hung out with men and women hung out with women and we had same sex friendships for hanging out with and we were all friends who got together to party etc... that, everyone was quite content with.

[michelle23]

People make their own rules to suit themselves. Most would agree that nobody wants a partner who is that close to an opposite sex friend and most men and women would be uncomfortable with it.

It has nothing to do with insecurity or control or trust. It is about being put first, being respected and understood as well as knowing your partner has empathy for your feelings and would not want to upset or hurt you. It works both ways.

You men who say there is nothing wrong with it. Good luck finding a girlfriend who will stick around and put up with your BS. Its always the same type of losers who are always single coz theyd prefer to be some girls male girlfriend or emotional tampon than actually have a proper gf who they can do all of that with plus have sex. I call those morons betas. There balls have not dropped yet.

I know Id prefer to have one man who ticks all my boxes rather than someone who only meets the emotional aspects and no physical. Makes no sense *shakes head*

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Lalalita, it's early. Regardless of all the opinions about opposite sex friendships, the most important thing is how you fee. In your first post you said that this situation makes you want to run away and not look back. That's a really clear, sharp feeling to have. Just get out now.